Jokes 26
A girl saw an attractive man in a bar. She sat next to him, ordered a drink and introduced herself. They became friendly and she invited him home. When they arrived she gave him a drink, turned on the TV and went to get into "something more comfortable." She came out in a flimsy negligee, paraded back and forth and announced, "Paris, 1998." He smiled and continued watching TV. She went back, changed into a topless bathing suit and announced, "San Francisco, 1997." Again he smiled and continued watching TV. This time she went to extremes, she came out wearing shoes and nothing else and announced, "Here and now, 1999." There were still no results. She screamed, "What's the matter with you anyway?" The man jumped up, jerked his pants down and said, "Mowing machine, 1996!"
A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?" The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it." "Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested. "Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried. "Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt. Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!" The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "Tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."
Several years ago I returned home from a trip just as a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I entered my bedroom at in the morning I found my two children in bed with Gail, scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with mom when the storm was bad, but that when I was expected home, to please not sleep with mom that night. They agreed. After my next trip several weeks later, Gail and the children picked me up in the terminal. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for the plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "The good news is that nobody slept with mommy while you were away this time!", he shouted.
He laid her on the table So white, clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat, He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast, And then, drooling, felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide...he looked inside," All was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms," And then he stuffed the turkey.
A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something
was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his
pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower.
"Help, Help !!" The tower came back and asked what was wrong. The blind
guy says " Help Me !! I'm blind, the pilot is dead, and we're flying
upside down !!" The tower comes back and says "How do you know you're
upside down ?" The blind guy replies, "Because the SHIT is running down
my back !!"
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey Dad! What are you doin?" His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank." Johnny says,"Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."
� 2000 Email