Jokes 25
Father Murphy is a newly-ordained priest, fresh from a big midWestern seminary. He gets assigned to Saint Patrick's Cathedral in downtown New York. After the ten o'clock mass, the Cardinal suggests he take a walk through town to get a "feel" for his parish. As he is walking through Times Square, several "ladies' approach him and offer this, "Hey Father, five bucks for a blow job" (must have been many years ago). Murphy is somewhat naive and not sure how to respond, so he just smiles and goes on his way. That night the rectory has the nuns over from Saint Mary Margaret's convent for dinner, and he finds himself seated next to Sister Bridget Marie, a very attractive, redheaded, green eyed little colleen. During the course of dinner, Murphy turns to her and says, "You know Sister, I'm sort of new in this town. What's a blow job?" She replies, "Five bucks, same as anyone else".
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff". He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Child's View of the Government Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school, can I ask you a question? Dad: Sure, son, what's the question?? Son: What is politics? Dad: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me Management. Your mother is administrator of the money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your and your needs, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid The Working Class and your baby brother, we'll call The Future. Do you understand? Son: I am not really sure, Dad, I'll have to think about it. That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room , where peeping through the keyhole, saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking was totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. THE NEXT MORNING Son: Dad, now I understand politics. Dad: That's great, son, explain it in your own words. Son: Well, Dad, while Management is screwing The Working Class, the Government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored and The Future is full of shit.
A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure-she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible the best sex he'd ever had! He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"
One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one`s mouth. Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit lightbulb in one`s mouth." The teacher says "that is correct, but why?" Little Johnny answers "I don`t know, but my mom always tells my dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"
Three engineers got on a crowded lunchtime bus. They somehow worked their way to the middle of the bus where they found three girls willing to exchange their seats for a place on the guys' laps. After they got settled and had ridden that way for a while, the first girl suddenly asked the gentleman under her whether he might be an electrical engineer. Surprised, he replied, "Yes, I am! How did you know?" "Easy," she said. "I'm getting shocked by your soldering iron." Just a few minutes later, the second girl asked her guy, "Are you a mechanical engineer?" He said, "Why, yes, ma'am. How did you know that?" "Simple," she said, "Your piston is scraping my cylinder." Shortly thereafter, the third girl turned to her fellow and asked, "Are you a civil engineer?" "I certainly am," he answered. "How could you have known that?" "Well," she said, "I figured it out as soon as your dam burst and flooded my village."
A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!" She yells, "Whose Jimmy Poole?" This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole." "Well, Jimmy, your staying after school! The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE."
Gail told me of a book about finding the G spot. I went to a bookstore. I couldn't even find the book ... Gail bought it for me. There were no pictures, maps, or diagrams. It just said it was about two-thirds of the way in. Great. Compared to who?
Completing his examination of the uncommonly well-built, beautiful blonde, the doctor said solemnly, "You are a very sick young lady. I don't want you returning to work this afternoon. Go home, get undressed and get into bed. Drink about a third of this bottle of medicine I'm preparing for you...it will make you drowsy. I don't want you to answer your phone or let anybody into your apartment until you hear three short knocks..."
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