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Gail is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When we got married I bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready." A few weeks later Gail was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker. "Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?" She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter one iota." The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No shit, what law firm do you work for?"
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer." So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?" He said, "Why yes I am!" so they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"
A mother takes her 5 year old kid to the sporting goods store and says to the man working there," I want to buy a baseball mitt for my son. How much does it cost?" The clerk says, " $50." " That's way to much. How much for that bat?" " $5," says the clerk. " I'll take it." the mother replies. As he's wrapping it up he says, " How about a ball for the bat?" " No thanks," says the mother, "But I'll go down on you for the mitt."
"That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!" bemoaned Rich to Ernie. "That girl is a real mirage." "Aren't you using the wrong word?" asked Ernie. "A mirage is something you can see but can't feel." "Yeah," came the reply "That describes her exactly!"
Correction: The Congressional Democrats are worried about fall elections, not full erections as previously reported.
The handsome construction worker considered himself quite, the stud, and indeed had no trouble persuading a good-looking recent acquaintance to come back to his apartment. After making love to her, he rolled over and lit a cigarette. His self-satisfied smile vanished, however, when the woman hopped out of bed and snapped, "You may look like Mel Gibson, but you're lousy in the sack." The indignant fellow snapped, "I don't see what makes you such an expert after only forty-five seconds !"
Heads up men when you're travelling in the fine, southern state of Mississippi. Lawmakers here are mulling over a proposed referendum wherein a man who is sexually aroused cannot appear in public. The bill "...defines nudity to include 'the showing of *covered* male genitals in a discernibly turgid state.'" The bill supposedly is to give *guidelines* to both *patrons* and *performers* inside strip clubs in the state as to what is to be considered *obscene.* The fine would be a *stiff* $2,000 with the possibility of a year in prison. (**Police are unsure at this point how to bag and hold the *evidence* after an arrest.**)
"Hey! This looks like a great meal! I knew my partner had a beautiful wife," said Bill, "but I didn't know you were a fantastic cook as well." "I feel I should warn you, Bill," she simpered, "that I expect my husband home in an hour." "But I'm not doing anything." he protested. "I know ," sighed his wife. "I just wanted to let you know how much time you had."
This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady". They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an Itchy Pussy", to which he responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!"
Pee Wee is sittin' in his local bar with his buddies, sharing a beer and braggin' about his sex life. Pee Wee says, I have great sex with Gail. She's very vocal, she can really rattle the windows; and *most* of it really turns me on." "I love it when she screams, 'Harder!'" "I love it when she screams, 'Faster!'" "Man, you lucky dog! says his one buddy. But *come on* and tell the truth, isn't there sometimes a problem with your sex life?" "The only problem I have..." Pee Wee said dejectedly, "Is when she screams, 'Deeper!'"
The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life. "Ann," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..." "It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."
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