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Dear Pee Wee: We wish to thank you for your letter and Polaroid photo which we recently received. We regret, however, that we will not be able to use your photo as our "Playgirl's Man of the Month". When rated by our AAW (Avaricious American Women) on a scale of 1- 10, your body was rated a minus 2 (-2). The panel is comprised of widowed females ranging in ages from 50 - 75 years old who have been deprived of sexual activity for a minimum of five years. To confirm your below average rating, we submitted your photograph to a second panel, the HUHA (Horny Undersexed Housewives of America), whose age range from 25 - 35. However, we could not get them to contain their laughter long enough to rate you. Please be assured, that should the tastes of American women deteriorate so drastically that a body such as yours would be in demand, you will be notified. Meanwhile, please do not call us, we will call you. Sincerely, PLAYGIRL INC. P.S. It pains us to inform you, that had your photo been used, the staple holding our centerfold together would have completely obstructed what you refer to as your "love tool of the 21st Century".
A guy goes to a single's bar to find a bedmate for the night. He sits at the bar and has a couple of drinks while surveying his possibilities. He finally decides on a cute redhead that seems to be having a great time dancing with different guys. So he has another quick drink while waiting for the music to stop, making sure he is positioned to ask her for the next dance. He gets it, but after gyrating madly on the dance floor with the gal, after the dance he feels a bit woozy from the drinks he'd had. "How many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?" he asks the perky redhead. "Oh, four or five." she answers, adding "And don't call me Dizzy."
When Felix, the regional sales manager for a machine tools company, got home from the office, his wife couldn't help noticing that his tie was loose, his fly unzipped, his hair dishevelled, he smelled of perfume, and his collar was covered with lipstick. "Rough day at the office?" she commented. "Not too bad," he said non chalantly. "Had to break in a new sales associate, but I think she'll work out." "Does she take shorthand?" asked his wife. "No," blurted Felix, "but she gives it."
A man was telling a friend about a nudist party he'd been invited to. "I rang the bell, and the nudist butler opened the door." he started. His friend interrupted, "How did you know he was a butler?" "Well," he answered smoothly, "I could tell right away that it wasn't the maid"
One summer, the company Pee Wee worked for transferred him to another city, and Pee Wee was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor. All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Pee Wee had the smallest dick he'd ever seen. "Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" the doc asked. "Shit, no," Pee Wee said. "I've got a wife, three kids, and a great sex life. But I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime." "What about at night?" the doc asked. "Nights are no problem," Pee Wee said. 'cause there's two of us looking for it then."
Gail our favorite blonde runs crying into the office. "Whatever is wrong?" gasps her best friend Susan. "It's my boyfriend Pee Wee the PORSCHE DRIVER" gushes Gail. "He was working on the engine of his 911 when the hood came down and cut off a finger!" "My God!" shrieks Susan. "Did it cut off his WHOLE finger?" "No thank goodness" sniffs Gail. "But it was the one just next to it!"
A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks
down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on
the creatures rather hideous appearance.
Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"
Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."
Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you."
Frog: "Look, leave me alone lady. I told you, it's a really bad spell."
Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?"
Frog: "I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take a blow
job."
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. In my script it clearly said "Enter Juliet from the rear".
� 2000 Email