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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber smiles at her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened ?" "Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and she's built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog." "And ?" prompted the doctor. "Well," said the man, "I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick. "It was a great idea and everything was going real good, too. Then someone knocked at her door, and she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove!"
Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them." George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you." It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house. Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry. Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.
One night a man his wife and a friend decided to have dinner together, so after eating they opened a couple of bottles of wine. Upon finishing the wine the friend realized it was late and he should go home, but the man insisted he stay the night, because he was drunk and in no condition to drive. The man finally agreed. One problem occurred though they had no guest bedroom and their couch was small and uncomfortable. So the mans wife said "Why doesn't he just sleep with us?" The two men agreed and promptly headed for bed. A few hours after they had gone to sleep the mans wife woke his friend and said hey, wanna have a good time? The man was like NO he'll wake up. She said no he won't watch, so the woman reached over and pulled out one of the hairs on her husbands ass and sure enough nothing happened. So the wife and the mans friend screwed. About an hour later the wife woke the mans friend again and said I want more. The man decided to test his friend to see if he was awake, so he pulled out another ass hair and he didn't wake up. This happened 2 more times and when the friend pulled out another one of the mans ass hairs the man turned over and said, "Look I don't care if you screw my wife but stop using my ass as a score board!!"
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents "how was I born?" "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us." "OH," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
A man with a terrible sore throat walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something to relieve it, and the pharmacist says: "Well, I could give you any number of things but they won't really do you much good. However, I can tell you what I do when I have a bad sore throat like you have." "Really? What's that?" asks the man. "I go straight home and have my wife give me a good blow job. I suggest you try that." "Sounds great!" says the man, "Is your wife home now?"
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years. As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple heart on!" to which the mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joness' for a couple hours."
Two fellows are out in the forest hunting and one evening they were
sitting around a camp fire chatting..first guy asks the other,"Hey
buddy,what's the second worse pain you've ever felt in your life?"the
second guy looks at the first sort of puzzled and says.."the second
worst pain I ever felt?the second worst pain i ever felt????oh yes,that
has to be,as a matter of fact right near this very spot.I was with some
other fellows here hunting a few months ago and we were sitting around
a fire like this one chatting like we're doing when i felt the need to take a
piss..so i went up in those bushes there and I dropped my pants,squatted
down,and whap!!!! a bear trap caught my love machine".."holy shit", replies
the first guy,"if that was the second worst pain you've ever had,what was
the worst??"second guy answers,"when I jumped up and started running
and got to the end of the chain."
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did,and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and he said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the Daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost!"
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