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Pee Wee and Jason are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend. "Man this weekend was the best!" Pee Wee says. "I finally scored!" Jason says, "Yeah, well I scored too, and it was the worst experience I've ever had." "How so?" asked Pee Wee. "That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me, and she said 'no problem.' In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out." "Damn!" Pee Wee says. "That's terrible! What happened?" Jason says, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts."
After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?" "Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!" When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?" "Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drank."
Pee Wee walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" To which the Pee Wee replies, "Make it 100 then..."
Q. What do you do in case of fallout? A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when Gail came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to Gail's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied Gail, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "The dresser, honey!" screamed Gail. "Try standing on the dresser!"
Curly David and Pee Wee are having a conversation. Pee Wee: "My doctor says if I don't give up sex I'll be dead in a week." Curly David: "Why is that?" Pee Wee: "I'm playing around with his wife."
The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more." The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say 'ain't'!"
The Italian says, "When I've a finsheda makina da love with my girlfriend Igo down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy". The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy". The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my gal, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me dick on the curtains. She hits the f*cking roof !!!"
A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor, "I believe I am losing my mind...I can't remember ANYTHING after five minutes!" The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone, "Just take off all your clothes, miss, and lie down..."
A guy walks a woman to the door after there first date. He asks her if she has had a good time.She tells him yes but that to get her really horny she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish. The next week the guy picks her up for there evening out dressed in a bikers black leathers. He grabs her throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley and away they go to the nearest bikers bar. The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers. When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom. He asks her "Well, was I Rough?" "Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively. "and was I Tough?" he asks. "Oh yes " she moans. "Well them its time to be selfish". So saying he whips out his penis and gives himself a handjob.
A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and says: "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I looked to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?" The startled mother recovers quickly and she says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him." The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting your time." "Because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up!"
When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested. Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?" The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother. So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough. Expecting to only pick up the biscuit she had a very unexpected episode of gas, which made a thunderous growling sound. Her husband was startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong honey?" she asked. He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"
A little girl is walking her dog, when a priest comes along and says, "Hello, little girl. What's your name?" She says, "Rosepetal." He says, "That's a nice name." She says, "Yeah. When I was a little baby a rose petal fell on my head and my daddy's called me Rosepetal ever since." The priest says, "That's so nice. Is this your doggy?" She says, "Yeah." The priest says, "What's his name?" She says, "Porky." He says, "Oh, I guess he likes to eat pork." She says, "No. He likes to fuck pigs."
