Jokes for kids
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Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
(A
really bad joke:)
Q: My dog has no nose. How does he smell?
A: Terrible! (from Monty Pythons Flying Circus)
(2
more bad jokes:)
Person
1: Call me a taxi.
Person
2: Okay.
Youre a taxi.
Person
1: Did you take a bath?
Person
2: Why (do you ask)? Is one missing?
States:
Q: What did
A: A
Q: What did
A: The same thing
Q: So, what was that?
A: I dont know;
Q: What did
A: She hoed her
Q: Who should you call when you find
A:
Oldies:
Q: What has 4 wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
Q: Whats black and white and red all over?
A: A newspaper.
Its black & white and people read it all over.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.
Q:
Why did the duck cross the road?
A: It was glued to the chicken.
Q: Why did Old McDonald cross the road?
A: He wanted to get his chicken back.
Q: Why did the turkey
cross the road?
A: It was the chickens
day off.
Q: Why did the chicken
cross the road?
A: To get The
.....You dont get it?
.....Then perhaps you get The Daily News.
Q: Whats the first thing that happens to you
when you jump in a pool?
A: You get wet.
Q: How do you put a nitwit in suspense?
A: Put him in a round room and ask him to go to
the corner.
A: (rude answer) Ill tell you tomorrow.
Q: How many dummies does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Three.
One to stand on a stepstool and hold the bulb, and two
to turn the stepstool around.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: First it has to want to change.
Q: How many union reps does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Ten. You got a problem with that?!
Q: How many paranoid
people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who wants to know?
4
poems:
Im
a poet
But
I dont know it.
(In
a food packaging plant)
We
bottle what we can
and what we cant, we can.
A little song.
A little dance.
A little seltzer down your pants.
Roses
are red.
Violets
are blue.
Sugar
is sweet.
And
so are you.
But the roses are wilting.
The violets are dead.
The sugar is lumpy.
And so is your head.
Q: Why cant you starve in a desert (or on a
beach)?
A: Because of all the sand-which-is there.
Q: Which weighs more: a pound of feathers or a pound of bricks?
A: They both weigh a pound.
Q: Which side of a chicken has the most
feathers?
A: The outside.
Q: What do rhinoceroses have that no other
animal has?
A: Baby rhinoceroses.
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on a
park bench?
A: Time to get a new bench.
Q: Where do you find reindeer?
A: Under a cloud, darling. (from Johnny Carson)
Q: How do you stop a skunk from smelling?
A: Hold its nose.
Q: Why does the fire fighter wear red suspenders?
A: To keep his pants up.
Q: How do you keep from getting a pain in the
eye when drinking chocolate milk (or coffee)?
A: Take the spoon out of the glass before drinking.
Person
1: Since the circus came to town, you
cant tell the difference between an elephant and a pot-for.
Person
2: Whats a pot-for?
Person
1: Cooking.
Person
1: What are you chewing on under
there?
Person
2: Under where?
Person
1: Ha!
Youre chewing underwear.
Q: What five letter word has six left when you
take away two letters?
A: Sixty.
Q: Whats the longest word in the English
language?
A: Smiles,
because theres a mile between the two Ss.
Q: Antidisestablishmentarianism is the longest
word in the English language. How do you
spell it?
A: I T.
Q: How is a Cyclops like a pig?
A: They both have one eye (i) in the middle.
Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9.
Q: What color was George Washingtons white
horse?
A: White.
Q: How many jelly beans can you put into an
empty jelly bean jar?
A: One.
After that the jar isnt empty anymore.
(I
know, you can hold two side by side and put them in together; so lets say that
this jar has a narrow opening.)
Q: If it takes 2 men 2 days to dig a hole, how
long will it take 1 man to dig a half a hole?
A: Theres no such thing as a half a hole.
Q: Whats the difference between a teacher and a
railway engineer?
A: One trains the mind and the other minds the
train.
Q: Whats the difference between a living room
and a bathroom?
A: (Well,) If you dont
know, then you cant come to my home!
Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the baseball
team?
A: Because she ran away from the ball.
Q: Why was Cinderella such a bad player?
A: Because her coach was a pumpkin.
Q: What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A: A baseball team.
You can pick your nose.
You can pick your friends.
But you cant pick your friends nose.
Some
Dummy Jokes:
(The
light bulb joke was done earlier.)
Q: Why should you never ask a dummy to put on
his shoes and socks?
A: Because he may do it in that order.
In
In
Q: Why did the dummy bear hunter go home?
A: Because he saw a sign on the road that read
BEAR LEFT.
Three
men are traveling through a desert. The
first one is carrying a bucket of water.
The next one is carrying a chunk of ice and an ice pick. And the last one is carrying a car door. (Thats right this last one is a dummy.)
Another person traveling through the desert
crosses their path and asks the first one Why are you carrying a bucket of
water? The first one answers So that
when I get thirsty I can drink the water.
He then asks the next one Why are you carrying a chunk of ice and an
ice pick? The next one answers Its
very hot in the desert, and when I feel hot I chip off a piece of ice and rub
it on my forehead or suck on it. Then
he asks the dummy Why are you carrying a car door? The dummy answers So in case I get hot I can
open the window.
Three
men are running through a forest with enemies chasing after them. After a while they realize that the enemies
are faster and will soon catch up to them.
So they asked each other what they can do. The smart one said Lets climb up in the
trees. Another one said But the
enemies have very good hearing. The
smart one said If they hear us then well make animal sounds. These trees are thick with leaves they wont
see us. So they each climb up in
separate trees. When the enemies catch
up to the smart one they hear sounds in the tree, they listen, and they hear
Tweet tweet. So they say Its only a
bird. Then they hear sounds in another
tree where the next one is, they listen, and they hear Eey. Eey. Eey. So they say Its only a monkey. Then they hear sounds in the tree that the
dummy is in; they listen, and they hear Moo.
Moo.
Q: Why did the dummy take 16 friends to the
movies?
A: Because the sign said Under 17 not
admitted.
The other day I
was watching TV when a man on TV was going on about how lazy Americans have
become. That got me so mad that I would
have changed the channel, but I didnt want to get up to get the remote. (from: Jay Leno)
Fooling
the mind by setting up a pattern of thinking:
Person
1: How do you spell coast?
Person
2: C O A S T.
Person
1: How do you spell boast?
Person
2: B O A S T.
Person
1: Now, what do you put in a toaster?
Person
2: Toast.
Person
1: Oh really, most people put bread
in a toaster.
Person
1: If it costs ten cents to go up an
elevator,
and ten cents to go down an elevator,
then how much does a pound of butter weigh?
Person
2: I dont know, about a dollar fifty?
Person
1: A pound of butter weighs a pound.
Person
1: Say pot fast ten times.
Person
2: Pot, pot, pot
Person
1: Say top fast ten times.
Person
2: Top, top, top
Person
1: What do you do when you get to a
green light?
Person 2: Stop.
Two wrongs dont
make it right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
or:
Q: Two wrongs didnt make it right; but what did
two rights make?
A: An airplane.
(Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.)
A panda walks into
a bar. He eats a hamburger. He then takes out a gun and shoots it. Then he leaves.
A man sitting at the bar asks the bartender
What just happened? The bartender says
to him That was a panda. Heres a
dictionary. Look it up. So the man looks up panda in the
dictionary. Next to panda it says
eats shoots and leaves.
(Note: A comma placed after the word eats changes
the meaning.) (from
the book on grammar)
A man orders
pancakes in a restaurant. Then he asks
the waiter, Will they be long?
The waiter says,
No; they wont be long; theyll be round.
Translating Hebrew
to English:
לִי is me.
מִי is who.
הוּא is he.
And הִיא is she.
Person 1: Your epidermis is showing.
Person 2: It is?
Where?
(Epidermis means
the outer layer of skin.)
What to say to
someone who is hitting you with saliva when he or she is talking:
I asked for the
news, not the weather.
Or:
Say it; dont
spray it!
Person
1: I can read your mind.
Person
1: Youre thinking I cant do it. (from Abbot and Costello)
Song:
How dry I am. ♫
E
How wet Ill Be. ♫
S
If I dont find ♫
the bathroom key. ♫
I found the key. ♫
I opened the door.
♫
But its too late.
♫ 6
Its on the floor.
♫ L
Person
1: Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?
Person
2: Repeat.
Person
1: OK.
Pete and Repeat were in a boat
Person 1: Can you count from ten to one backwards?
Person 2: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Person 1: You just counted from one to ten backwards; I asked: Can you count from ten to one backwards? The answer should be: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Q: What two coins add up to 15 cents? And one of them isnt a dime.
A: A nickel and a dime. One of them isnt a dime That coin is a nickel. -The other coin is a dime. (One of them is a dime, and one of them isnt a dime.)
Fuzzy
Wuzzy was a bear.
Fuzzy
Wuzzy had no hair.
Was
Fuzzy Wuzzy fuzzy?
Was he?
I come before you, to stand behind you,
to tell you something, I know nothing about.
The admission is free, so pay at the door.
There are plenty of seats, please sit on the floor.
Jokes for kids Presented by: www.geocities.com/kendrawsfamilytrees
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on display?
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