An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

An archaeologist is a person who's career lies in ruins.

An architect is someone who makes beautiful models, but unaffordable realities.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

A chemical engineer is a man who is doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

An editor is a person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.

A journalist is someone who spend 50% of its time not saying what he knows and 50% of its time talking about things he doesn't know.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief".

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

A philosopher is a person who doesn't have a job but at least understands why.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A psychologist is a man whom you pay a lot of money to ask you questions that your wife asks free of charge.

A schoolteacher a is disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A sociologist is someone who, when a beautiful women enters the room and everybody look at her, looks at everybody.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.