Strange 911 Calls

Another guy called 911 with a most peculiar feeling. "I went out to dinner and brought home my leftover pizza," he told the dispatcher.
"But I left it in the car, and this morning … it was soggy … It tasted kind of funny, so I went back out to the car and noticed that the antifreeze had spilled onto my pizza. Is that dangerous?"
Sept. 11 is National 911 Day. It's time to appreciate the only number you need to remember when everything goes wrong. The brave network of 911 dispatchers across the country field some 250,000 calls each day.
It would be impossible to measure the value of the public service they provide. And it would be equally hard not to laugh hysterically at the stories they tell, as recounted in Leland Gregory's What's the Number for 911 Again? (Andrews McMeel).
911 operators keep records of their work, and Gregory has plowed through hours of recordings to come up with the best stuff. As the co-author of America's Dumbest Criminals, Gregory has a knack for turning public documents into true-life comedy. [Click on the audio box and listen to some call yourself. Gregory sells an audio version of his book at his Web site.]
"A lot of the best stuff, 911 operators send to me," he says.
He leaves out names and identifying information. And that probably saves him a fortune in liability suits. Who would want to be known as the guy who called 911 to ask, "Can my woman refuse to let me shower with her?"
"I guess some people will say things to their 911 operator that they'd be too embarrassed to tell a therapist," Gregory says.
Others seem to dial 911 because they're lonely and emotionally fragile: "The manager of the hotel yelled at me. My self-esteem has been damaged and I'm humiliated."
And there are always those metaphysical emergencies: "If I start losing my memory, how will I know?"
Sucking on the Slurpee Machine
911 operators are sworn to keep a straight face and take all calls seriously, even when someone says, "Yeah, there's a moose running around out here with an Easter basket stuck around his neck."
Really, almost anything can happen. To save a choking potbellied pig, a 911 operator had to talk a caller through "mouth-to-snout" resuscitation. Luckily, the operator was also a veterinarian.
If you're looking for one of those "only in America" moments, how about this call: "Yes, this is the 7-Eleven, I want to report some juveniles sucking on the Slurpee machine."
To puritanical Americans, the mere hint of sex might seem like an emergency. Folks have called 911 to complain that their neighbor's bed is "squeaking too damn loud." And another caller complained, "There is a snow sculpture outside my apartment [with] gross exaggeration of certain male parts we all find obscene."
Free Willy … From the Pool Vacuum
Other Americans encounter 911 with their pants down and their dignity flapping in the breeze.
One unfortunate fellow got stuck in the swimming pool while seeking sexual pleasure from the vacuum intake line. That suction turned out to be a little too strong.
A security guard called 911 laughing hysterically, telling the dispatcher: "He's got his privates stuck in the pump line … He's been in there for three hours … It's got to be shriveled up like hell."
The dispatcher says: "You're the night clerk. You can't keep laughing."
Gregory calls this passage "Free Willy."
Of course, 911 gets a good deal of crank calls. In Port Charles, Fla., Ron Vanname called 911 from a telephone booth nine times in a 16-minute period and said some unrepeatable things. He eventually got arrested for making obscene phone calls.
"Calling 911 is free," Gregory says. "This guy was compulsive and cheap, not to mention a fast-fingered dialer."
These days cranks are easier to catch. "Most cities have an enhanced form of 911 that automatically traces the call back to its origin and puts it on a display for the operator. If there is a quick hang-up or crank call, they Know where it's coming from."
Of course, so many folks have 911 set on speed dial that there are still a lot of false alarms. One couple knocked a bedside phone off the hook while they were in throes of hot sex.
A 911 dispatcher heard moaning and screaming in the background, and figured somebody might be bound and gagged and desperately calling for help. The police snapped into action, responding to a "possible assault in progress."
In the same manner, a cat and a tomato also called 911 in similar fashion.
Once a 8-year-old Irish setter named Lyric called 911, but this pooch really meant it.
Her owner, Judi Bayly, had suffered an asthma attack and couldn't wake up. After licking Bayly's face failed to revive her, Lyric got worried and called for help. "It's amazing," said Charlene Hall, a dispatcher at Nashua Fire and Rescue in New Hampshire. "The dog is trained to go over and hit that phone three times to get 911 and she barks into the receiver."
Lyric is a specially trained medical assistance dog and emergency workers say that day she saved a life and, most certainly, earned her kibble.
One should remember that calling 911 is sometimes a public service, done for the benefit of others. One elderly male caller reported, "There's a woman over here doing some yard work in one of thong bikinis."
"Sir," said an exasperated dispatcher, "911 is an emergency number. What do you expect the police to do about a woman in a thong bikini?"
"Nothing," the guy said, "Just thought you fellows would like to know."

Buck Wolf is entertainment producer

at ABCNEWS.com. The Wolf Files is

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