deer04

He dreamed about a system that would be right, where everybody treated each other fairly. Everyone got along with each other in this new brotherhood. It was very peaceful to watch. Almost like watching Fantasia, the Amish people, Cleo the psychic card lady, and Richard Simmons all rolled into one.
    He dreamed of himself being the emperor of this beautiful land. It wasn't a hard job. Most of the time he watched his perfect kingdom. Then, one day, a stick hit him in the head. Now, this deer was no expert on observing and then pondering, but he knew foreshadowing when he saw it.....
     Chaos broke out! People lied to each other. Men raped their mothers; men were sold into slavery; men killed one another. The sky broke out into fire, large purple dinosaurs started hopping around singing retarded sing-alongs, and there was a widespread feeling of hate. A driving system was created where illiterate fools could walk into the DMV and walk out an hour later with a liscence, yet educated, decent people became playthings to stand in lines, wait, perform impossible feats, and STILL never be allowed to drive.
    The deer knew he had a problem. He set out to create laws. Unfortunately, they were a little bit unfit for the people: no stick-throwing, no yelling "ponder that, bitch!", etc. The only one that made sense was that the fuckers from the DMV were all imprisoned and tortured to death.
    He hired a man named Edgar. Edgar Hammurabi, he thought, surely could relate to the people. So Eddy wrote his new laws, which were better suited towards the people. They worked very well. Not nearly well enough though. Bad people still did bad things. He needed a way to force the people to listen. He told them all about a thing called "Heaven".
     It was a magical place. Everything you want, and more, as long as people were decent to each other. The deer was making up no stories. He had seen this Heaven. He used to be the emperor of it. Sadly, the people didn't care. They didn't even listen to him. One guy punched him.
     So our deer created Hell. He gave them pictures of the DMV in Hell. It was the worst thing imaginable. I don't want to upset you, wo I won't give you the details. The main points are fire, darkness, hatred, evil, teletubbies, and Gilbert Godfried.
     People still didn't care. Baffled, the deer showed them the one with Gilbert Godfried again. No response. "What do I have to do?!?!" He created an omnipotent, all-seeing, all-knowing, everywhere, lord of the universe, to make people know that no evil is allowed ever.
     Well wouldn't you believe it? They didn't care! The deer had no choice. He had to terrify people into being decent! Here are pieces of the pamphlet he published, which I so conveniently found on the fruit snacks shelf at Food Lion:

This is a real pamphlet that I really did find in Food Lion. I'll put pictures of the real thing up as soon as I find a scanner. Quotes in black, descriptions in blue, and my original comments in purple.

"As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:" "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God."

Many people are afraid of what others will say about them, and they will end up in Hell.
"For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved."

Next comes a picture of an angel in front of a man, with this exchange:
You died as a sinner, without repenting.
God help me, I've been a fool.
It's too late to pray now!
He struck fear into their hearts.

Look, if God is the Father of us all, would He send one of His own children to Hell?
Your father is the Devil! You must be born again of the Spirit of God in order for God to be your father.
His explanation on why God would punish his children was simple: he abandoned them (?!) Don't see how that's much different. But he was only a deer. We have to give him props.

SHOW US HIS LIFE...
Just a picture of the guy sweating profusely out of his face.

Three guys standing around, with the angel and the guy tiny and on the side, watching his life play out:
Angel: Here are your teenage years.
Teenager: Have you fellows heard the latest dirty joke?
Man: Don't show that one! Not here!
quote: "That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgement"
Uh oh.

Guy peering around a corner at a lady walking by. Angel and man watching:
Guy: My what a nice one!
Man: I remember that but no one saw me!
quote: That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."
Show me a man on this planet who has not "looked on a woman to lust after her", and I'll show you a fag.

Sweaty guy's face, surrounded by these words: Lying, Homosexuality, Hypocrisy, Filthy Speech, Disobedience, Stealing, Despiser of Good, Idolatry, Sodomy, Whoremonger, Covetousness, Cheating
Nobody told me about all this!

Yikes.
The funny thing is that it started to work. Things are still horrible, but at least not completely evil. Too bad he didn't include slavery, discrimination, or rape. That could have prevented a scuffle or two.