| CABIN FEVER I know what you might be thinking. �Why am I reading a Cabin Fever review? Doesn�t Joe owe us a fantasy football review? Doesn�t Joe have a week of FAFG to post? Doesn�t he have tons of papers to grade and lesson plans to write?�. Yes, I do, but every now and then, a movie compels me to write about it. As usual, don�t read ahead if you don�t want me to spoil anything. Wait. There�s nothing to spoil. �How�s that, Joe?�. You see my friend, this is the worst movie I�ve ever seen. It�s not only worse than the Battlefield Earths and Whatever it Takes of the world, it may have started its own league. This movie is terrible. Unfortunately, this paragraph might not hit home for you. We have an epidemic in this country in which people tend to exaggerate: �That is the cutest cat in the world�, �That is the easiest class�, and �He is the worst player� are all examples of things you may have heard before. Thus, statements of large proportions go generally unnoticed. Please take my advice when I tell you not to watch this movie, even out of curiosity. To start off, it�s a cheesy horror movie. Now whether or not it was �supposed to be like that� is irrelevant. Whether I try to write a terrible review or try to write a good review that turns out terrible (which I�m doing now), it�s still terrible. The 5 college kids start out going from college to their cabin in the woods to have parties. I think before we saw this though, we saw some guy hunting in the woods come across his dead dog. Anyway, they are on the road to the cabin when they stop at a general store for alcohol. There�s a retarded kid sitting on a swing, so one of the guys sits next to him, and gets bitten. The father is very apologetic, but the college kids are asses to him. Then a guy in the store makes a racist remark. Then the kids leave, and get caught stealing a Snickers bar. They get to the cabin and we start with a gratuitous sex scene. Then the other couple wanders off and does something stupid. Probably went swimming or something. The 5th wheel goes out to shoot some squirrels. When asked why he would shoot squirrels, he tells them �cuz they�re gay�. That may have been my favorite part of the movie. The 5th wheel accidentally shoots a guy. The guy starts coming towards him, and Mr. 5th wheel sees that he�s really sick. The sick guy asks him for help, and the 5th wheel runs away. Around now we find out that the second couple is really an awkward not-quite-couple. I guess now we saw the bonfire scene. They�re sitting around the campfire and one of the guys starts talking about a traumatic experience he had. Apparently in the bowling alley he used to go to, all of the employees were executed by a crazy guy. Then some guy jumps out of the woods and scares the bejesus out of everyone in the theatre. Now, I didn�t think any of this movie was scary, which just made things scarier for me. Imagine if you were watching a commercial for Fruit Loops or something not scary like that and all of a sudden, at the same time, 549 people around you scream. You�ll start to get jumpy, right? Because now you have no idea what�s gonna set these people off again. Back to the bonfire. Luckily, it was some other college kid that somehow got to their secluded camp site. The kids were a bit spooked, so they sent him away. Then the new college kid says �I guess I�ll have to go smoke all this weed by myself then�. They invite him back. He leaves though, because it�s about to start raining, but he plans to come back. The kids are in the cabin now, waiting for him, when there�s a knock at the door. Now, obviously, it�s gonna be the scary sick guy, but again everyone screamed. The 5th wheel hadn�t thought it relevant what he saw in the woods while they told these scary stories, but whatever. The scary guy tried to come in to get help. The kids chased him out. The sick guy went into their car and started vomiting blood. The kids tried to chase him out with bats and guns and somehow disabled their car. Then they lit the guy on fire. He probably died, we assume. Also, the college guy with the weed died and played no part in the movie at all. Why was he here? To make the movie stupider is the only logical answer. The 5th wheel never told anyone that he accidentally shot a scary guy in the woods by the way. The next scene showed the kids arguing. I don�t understand why you wouldn�t go straight home if a sick guy vomited blood all in your car and all over you and then you killed him. Instead, they walked around looking for help, and ran away from anyone who could possibly help. While they were doing this, one of the girls canoed away. There was a significant scene of her leaving her canoe. It was a slo-mo shot of her ass that lasted about 10 seconds. While this search went on, the police came to the cabin and asked the fake couple what happened. He told the officer what happened and the police guy was only interested in partying. Now somehow, the girl that canoed across the river came into the same house as the other guys, even though she was on the other side of the river. Other stuff happened. We�ll just cut forward. Everyone started vomiting blood and getting scared of each other. Instead of finding help, they locked their friends up in sheds so they wouldn�t get infected. They kept getting infected. Then a dog came and chewed the face off of one of the girls. The girl lived through it. The other part of this couple-to-be put her out of her misery with a shovel. The scene of the movie. One of the guys made it back to the general store. The retarded kid stood up and yelled �Pancakes!!!!�. Then, I swear to God, he stood up and started doing crazy matrix kicks. He kept kicking and kicking until he got to the guy. The guy didn�t move. Then the kid bit his hand. The kid�s dad got mad at the guy and they chased him with a gun. Next comes the thrilling closer in which everyone started killing each other. Phil�.Now, Phil liked the movie, or �the second half was fun�. I look on www.rottentomatoes.com and come to find out that it got a 74% on the tomato meter. I�ve never wanted to move away from this country so badly. This is a stupid, stupid movie. Phil can�t be my friend, and I�m considering kicking Kris off of the friend list for telling me the Hoff was showing it for free. This was a free movie and I�m angry. You know it must have been bad. No clich�d �I want my money back� phrases here, but I really could use that time back. This is a stupid fucking movie, and the fact that � of movie critics gave it a good review shows that you can�t listen to them sometimes. Cathy left the movie after the "Pancakes" scene. She put the advertisement for the movie in her mouth and ate it. She attacked me out of rage, and I had nothing to do with it. Phil has tried to bring her around onto his side, but she's going through a phase in which she pretends the movie doesn't exist. I tend to agree with her methods. Eating the advertisement is the only logical move. I don't care. No matter what the point of a movie is, it�s not good if it doesn�t have a plot or storyline. There was apparently an aim towards a cult classic, according to Phil. Again, I don�t care what the point was. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He yelled �Pancakes�, and then ninjad his way over to the guy. 0.8 |