Movies

Ah, movies. Now here is an important topic. I grew up in the eighties, you see, and the motion picture was an important part of my upbringing. If done correctly, a movie is an effective storytelling medium, at least as powerful as the written and spoken word, because it has the added effect of visuals. I've watched many a movie, and I have determined for myself what makes a good movie, and what makes a bad one. I even have a rating system and I can (and do) usually assign a numerical rating to every movie I watch. I will now share for you the titles of a number of movies I've loved and hated, and perhaps this will compel you to experience my joy or pain yourself.

I suppose I should pre-empt my attempt at movie criticism with a brief description of my rating system. A great movie, one desrving of a 10, has to move me in some way, usually to tears or laughter. It has to be believeable, insightful, and most importantly entertaining. The script has to be intelligent, and because I am a very visually-oriented person, highly visual movies usually score higher. Choice in music is a large factor, as music can be used very effectively to convey mood.

Certain movies rate 10 on another factor: coolness. These movies are movies that may or may not score well on my conventional scale, but regardless, win a 10 by attrition. Star Wars movies are the best example. I don't bother analyzing Star Wars. It simply receives a 10.

The scale starts at 1, and this is where the really bad movies sit. These are movies that fail in every single criterion that I listed above. They are rare, but they do exist. In addition, there have been a few instances where movies have ranked BELOW 1, just to emphasize how heinous these films are.

Because of the way I approach things, most films fall into one of three categories: 1's (really crappy), 5-6's (neutral), 9-10's (amazing). I rarely rate between 2-4 and 7-8 simpy because I find if I'm going to be wishy-washy, I may as well be clear about it and go with a 5. I mean, the difference between a 6 and a 7 is so subtle that it is of no use to me or to anyone else to rate movies here unless I have a clearly definable reason. I leave the range between 1 and 10 instead of 1 and 3 for the few movies I have ranked in this area. So, without further ado, here we go.

10's by Attrition - I will refrain from saying anything about these movies. They speak for themselves. Most people will either agree with me completely, or disagree completely, regardless of what kind of review I give them. They rate 10 simply because they were an integral part of my childhood and thus made a significant impact on me (of course, Episode I was not part of my childhood, but you know what I mean).

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Transformers the Movie

10's by Merit

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon - Despite my love for Star Wars, this is simply the best movie I have ever seen. I'm not going to use that often-repeated quote about how this movie is like another Ang Lee movie with something else added in. Why? Because it means nothing to me; I never saw that other movie. This film has it all: great acting, great story (simple and to the point; Lee doesn't try to do more with the plot than possible), great cinematography, great costumes, beautiful locations, wonderful music... and beautiful ladies who could kick your a$$ six ways to Sunday. Don't think of it as an action film. Think of it as a film, and you will be quite astounded, I assure you.

Aliens: Special Edition
The Abyss: Special Edition
Blade Runner, Director's Cut
The Prince of Egypt
Mr. Holland's Opus
Leon The Professional, International Version
Princess Mononoke

Other Movies

Ghostbusters
The Sixth Sense (9.6)
The Matrix (9.6)
Mu'Lan (9)
Macross Plus The Movie

Horrifyingly Bad Crap Movies

Batman and Robin (0.0) - This is easily the worst movie that I have ever ever ever seen in my life. I went to it for free, and after 45 minutes, I still felt ripped off. Usually, a hollywood blockbuster can save itself a zero rating by at least having a hot female in a title role. Nope. The best you get here is Uma Thurman dressed up as a plant.
The Blair Witch Project (0.1) - If I wanted to see stupid teenagers doing stupid things and swearing at each other for an hour-and-a-half, I would ride a city bus. As a bonus, a city bus only costs $1.75. This movie earned its one-tenth of a point by connecting the very end with an obscure statement made at the beginning, which is the only evidence that someone didn't get so goddamned bored during filming to forget what happened at the beginning. The only reason I watched the whole thing was that I had heard so much about how good the movie was, I was determined to stay and figure out why. As it turns out, my hopes were shattered. It was crap from beginning to end. I should have gone with my instincts and went on a hour-long pee break during the middle chunk of the film.

Friday the 13th (0.2) - This movie is just bad. I saw it some time ago with Poltergeist on a Hallowe'en night. Thankfully, Poltergeist was second in the line-up. There is nothing much more I can say since this movie remains a distant memory, and I have no intention of watching it again in order to write this paragraph.