A Saturday night. A distant city. Elusive memories.
“Are you alright?” Chris asked.
“Yeah. Just thinking about someone,” I replied.
We were waiting for our colleagues in a smoke-filled bar, binging on pitchers of bourbon and cola. They arrived after the third pitcher. Arabad. Christine. Jamie. Sharon. Danny. Susaya.
“Have you been waiting long?” Danny asked. He was our company manager. Susaya and Jamie were chatting in Malay, their voices lost in the conversations inside the bar.
“No, it’s alright,” Chris replied.
Christine’s eyes met mine and she smiled. I replied with a grin.
Arabad was perusing the bar’s menu. Browsing for halal food, no doubt. Jamie was already playing billiards with a rather attractive Chinese girl.
Here we were -- a group of yuppies weaving dreams about conquering the advertising world. I was worried about Sharon, though. Despite the zest she had for the long working hours, family matters held her back from focusing on her career.
“How’s your Mom?” I asked Sharon.
“She’s ok. Although she keeps on telling me to quit this job and find something else,” she said. I understood what she meant. Almost everyone had the same dilemma. Except maybe for Danny and Arabad, who were already earning enough to buy a car and afford the staggering transportation tax. For the rest of us, it was still taxis, buses and the ubiquitous MRT.
“How about you? How’s your new apartment?” Sharon asked.
“It’s ok, although I had to stay with Chris for a couple of days before moving in into my new pad. It’s near Jamie’s flat in Tampines,” I replied.
Andrea arrived, huffing and puffing. “Hey, I thought we would meet at Mahoney’s?” she asked.
“Change of plans. Take a seat and simmer down,” I replied. “Arabad said she sent a message through your beeper.”
“Well, I didn’t get the message,” she said. “So, what’s on tonight’s agenda?”
“No agenda at all. Everyone needs a well-deserved break,” Danny replied. Earlier that day, we wrapped up two rather difficult ad campaigns for a German restaurant firm and a pizza chain.
“Hey, you can now teach me a couple of Filipino phrases,” Christine said, after taking a swig from her Tiger.
Chinky-eyed Christine was the youngest among us and an almost sibling relationship developed between her, Chris, Sharon and myself. “Yeah and you can teach me a lot more than lah,” I said, stifling a laugh. The waiter came with three more bourbon and soda pitchers.
“Hey, where’s mine?” Andrea asked. “Grab one. I’ll just order another,” Chris replied.
The house disc jock was playing a Toto and James Brown medley. Stale cigarette smoke and various scents and fragrances hung in the air.
“…I feel good…I knew that I would… I feel good…”
Yeah right, I told myself. Drowning yourself in liquor to numb the senses is just an escape to not remember. Not feel. Not worry. Not ask why. Deny the loneliness that came each day and each night.
Sharon’s soft voice broke through the haze. She looked at me, knowing what I was going through during those times.
I shook my head and forced a smile. What was there to say?
“I’ll just go outside for a while and get a whiff of fresh air. Take a walk, maybe.” I told Chris.
“I’ll come with you,” Sharon said. I nodded.
“Hey. Learn to let go. You don’t deserve to inflict pain on yourself. Move on.“ Sharon said as we walked across the stone-paved wharf.
I was scanning the crowd for one single face, wondering if she might be here tonight. Another haze. Another slide down the emotional pit.
“Hey…” Sharon said, looking at me with worry in her eyes. “She isn’t worth it.”
I wanted to ask Sharon so many things. But still the silence was more comforting.
“Do the guys know about it?” I finally spoke.
“Arabad, Chris and Andrea. Andrea wanted to talk to you about it a couple of days ago when you suddenly ‘zoned out’ at Holland Village. She was worried,” Sharon said.
Zoned out. What a way to describe an emotional crash. I found myself remembering a night two weeks ago. A car ride. A telephone book. A hotel room. Bitter words. Anger. Pain. Tears. Crash and burn.
“What are your plans?” Sharon asked.
“There’s no reason for me to stay here anymore - despite the job. I’ve booked a flight back home in about a week’s time,” I replied.
She was silent.
“I’ve told Danny, Arabad and Chris about it. Just tell the other guys I had to take care of an emergency back home. ”
The road home will be a long one.