The one “True” Religion

As human beings we like to feel safe and secure; religion does fulfill those wishes by telling us of an afterlife in which we may live forever. Most people find comfort in such ideas; however, what about the negative effects of religious suppositions? Do not most religions—with the exception of Buddhism and Hinduism—also tell us that if we do not believe in them, we will go to hell? If most religions say that we are going to hell if we don’t believe in them, then how can any of them be right, and if they’re not all right, which ones are?

Those questions also can’t be answered. Whether I am going to heaven or hell is all the luck of the draw. Due to our inability to concentrate on more than one thing at a time full heartedly, it would be impossible to worship and believe in every major religion. One would have to have split personalities, each one believing its own different set of dogmas and beliefs. The ten person split personality—one for each of the major religions: Hinduism, Buddhism, Confucianism, Taoism, Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Mormonism, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and all the other ancient religions—sufferer would be the only one to go to “heaven,” or at least one of them would.

“So, is it possible to figure out which one is the true religion?”

Let’s find out… I am going to make a table comprised of all the ten major religions—I consider Mormonism and Jehovah’s Witnesses different religions because they are so far off of normal Christian orthodoxy that they can’t even be considered to be the same—each one of them will be asked the same four questions, and through a process of elimination, you can decide for yourself, which is the “true” religion for you.

Question #1: If a religion can best be defined by those who believe in it, how have those who truly believed acted by way of the religion?

Question #2: Does the religion allow belief in a “heaven?”

Question #3: Does the religion allow belief in a “hell?”

Question #4: Does the religion claim to be the only “true” religion?

Answer#1 Answer#2 Answer#3 Answer#4

Hinduism	By being content with nothing and the way things are. (caste system)	Yes, in terms of becoming one with god.	No, but if you’re bad, you’ll come back as a fly.	No, Hindus believe that all religions are just different paths to the same goal.
Buddhism	By staying “Awake.”	Yes, in terms of becoming one with god by reaching enlightenment..	No, but if you lose, you get a “Sorry, please try again” bottle cap.	No, Buddhism seems to struggle more within its own different sects than it does with other religions.
Confucianism	By writing the phrases and neat sayings that will be later put inside of fortune cookies.	Yes, however, your dead ancestors reserve the right to watch over your affairs and meddle in your personal life.	No, but there’ll be hell on earth if you don’t do what they say.	Its more like a social ethics than a religion, so sure why not.
Taoism	By starting off right with some t’ai chi, followed up by a long day of performing exorcisms, and practicing magic tricks.	Who knows what’s good or bad?	Who knows what’s good or bad?	Taoism is more a superstition than a religion, but It probably doesn’t care.
Islam	By taking hostages and non-believers and cutting their heads off.	Yes, where alcohol and prostitution is legal.	Yes, where else would all the infidels go?	Yes, Jihad on your whole family.
Judaism	By killing all non-warlike sons of God, and being very tight with money.	Yes, it is the land of milk and honey.	Yes, they call it Israel.	Yes, and they have a powerful enough military to back them up.
Christianity	By killing everyone else and by blessing and then slaughtering babies.	Yes, in the land of the sugar plumb fairies.	Yes, eternal damnation, brimstone, Hey, Hey, Hey, stop poking me!	Yes, and every one else can go to hell.
Mormonism (a.k.a. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.)	By going on missions riding bicycles wearing shirts and ties and making paper-Mache egg cartons.	Yes, but once you die, you are God.	Yes, hell is comprised up of those who fought on the side of Lucifer the son of God and the brother of Jesus Christ.	Yes, that’s why they must go on missions to spread the word of their savior—Joseph Smith.
Jehovah’s Witnesses	By going door to door and passing out magazines.	Yes, but there are no more vacancies; you’ll have to wait.	Yes, hell is comprised of everyone who is not a Jehovah’s Witness.	Yes, but there are so many contradictions; you could probably find a loop hole.
all the other ancient religions	By putting on bath robes and worshipping trees.	Some do, Some don’t.	Some do, Some don’t.	Some do, Some don’t.

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