To lighten things up, I have a collection of "down-home" humor, stories, and jokes to share with everyone. Smile!

1. West Virginia is the only state to be created from another state (Virginia...in 1863).
2. Berkley Springs, a resort town, has more massage therapists than lawyers.
3. Berkley Springs is the only place in the U.S. to boast: "George Washington bathed here."
4. W.V. has had the nation's lowest crime rate for the past 26 years.
5. During the Cold War, a sprawling 112,000 sq. ft. shelter was built to shelter members of Congress in the event of a nuclear attack. It's located beneath the famous Greenbrier Resort in White Sulphur Springs, WV.
6. White Sulphur Springs has the only private residence in the U.S. that is made out of coal.
7. The city of Bluefield, WV bills itself as "America's Air-conditioned City." They back up their boast by serving free lemonade anytime the temperature reaches 90 degrees.
8. St. Andrew's Methodist Church in Grafton was the site of the first Mother's Day celebration in 1908.
9. Two West Virginia men have built castles for their wives. Stephen Elkins built "Halliehurst" in 1890 for his wife Hallie Davis Elkins...the only woman in American history to be the daughter, the wife, and the mother of a U.S. senator.
10. In 1885, distiller Taylor Suite began building Berkley Castle for his new bride, Rosa Pelham, who was 31 years his junior. He died in 1908, a year before the project was finished. Rosa completed the castle but went on the squander her inheritance on extravagant living and wild parties and ended up losing the castle and living in a shack and raising chickens to make ends meet.
11. Philippi, WV was the site of the first land battle of the Civil War.
12. In 1921, West Virginia became the first state to have a sales tax.
13. The mother of Abraham Lincoln, Nancy Hanks, was born near Romney, WV.
14. The largest single shipment of matches...20 railroad cars full...was sent from Wheeling, WV to Memphis, TN in 1933.
15. In 1947, Chuck Yeager, a native of Hamlin, WV, became the first person to fly faster than the speed of sound.
16. The Old Stone Church, in Lewisburg, was built in 1796 while George Washington was President and has been in continuous service ever since. (It is Presbyterian)
17. At the end of the "Guilded Age" in the late 1890's, the town of Bramwell, WV had more millionaires per square mile than any other city in the U.S. Many of their mansions have been restored and can be visited by the public.
18. With an average altitude of 1,500 feet, WV is the highest state east of the Mississippi.
19. The first brick street in the world was laid in the city of Charleston in 1873.
20. The first concrete street in the world was laid in the town of Webster Springs, WV in 1903.
21. Indirect artillery fire (action against an unseen target) was used for the first time in military history at the Battle of Fayetteville on May 20, 1863 by a 19-year old Confederate, Sgt. Milton Humphreys. Virtually all modern artillery fire is now indirect fire.
22. Confederate general Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson was born in Clarksburg, WV. A very religious man, he was credited for coining the phrase "Kill them all, let God sort them out". A brilliant tactician, Jackson was responsible for many victories for the Confederate army until he was accidetally killed by his own troops.
23. In 1956, Cecil Underwood (age 34) became the youngest governor in the U.S. In 1996, Underwood ran again and became the oldest governor (age 74) in the U.S.
24. The hardwood flooring in the famous Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in New York was manufactured by the Meadow River Lumber Co. of Rainelle, WV.
25. West Virginia has the oddest shape of any state. This was because Union officials, during the Civil War, arranged all the pro-Union counties of Virginia into a state which then seceded from that Confederate State.
26. Olympic gymanst Mary Lou Retton is originally from Fairmont, Marion County.
27. And may we add, Mingo County, WV, the Heart of the Billion Dollar Coal Field is home of the "Coal House", which holds the Chamber of Commerce. It is located in the county seat, Williamson and is constructed entirely of local coal cut into blocks.
28. And lastly, WV was the first state to utilize foodstamps!

Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Oklahoma family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whisky vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated. He burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your favorite Aunt, Mom

To: Mr. and Mrs. Braithwaite Backus, Bald Buzzard Ridge Mountainville, WV RFD 2

Dear Ma and Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. (but am getting so I like to sleep late.) Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near big as a chipmonk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving son, Zeb

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her:

"Hello. How are you? We've been waiting for you. Good to see you."

Then Saint Peter came by. The woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" asked the woman. "Love," said Saint Peter.

The woman correctly spelled "L-O-V-E" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter asked the woman to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While she was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"Oh, I'm so surprised to see you!" said the woman. "How have you been?"

"I've been doing really well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I shared and moved into a big mansion. And then my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation today, water skiing, when I fell and hit my head on one of the skis, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," said the woman.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"CZECHOSLOVAKIA."

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "branding".

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

1. Only a true West Virginian knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption.
2. Nobody but a true West Virginian knows how many fish or squirrels make up a mess.
3. A true West Virginian can show or point out to you the general direction of yonderways.
4. A true West Virginian knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in "Going to town, be back directly.
5. All true West Virginians know exactly when "by and by" is.
6. True West Virginians know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of tater salad.
7. True West Virginians grow up knowing the difference between "pert' near"and "a right far piece."
8. True West Virginians both know and understand the differences between a redneck and a good ol' boy.
9. No true West Virginian would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
10. True West Virginians know that "fixin" can be used both as a noun, verb and an adverb.
11. True West Virginians have always known that the West Virginian is more American than America.

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Where Your Vote Counts....Sometimes Twice!!!
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes.... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce The "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes.... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Gambling!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl.... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si', Hablo Ing'les
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family.... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men.... And The Sheep Are Scared

Once upon a time there was an old hillbilly who had three sons. One evening he was upset with his boys and called them all into the living room. In an irate voice he asked, "which one of you boys pushed the outhouse in the river?" Silence...no response. This steamed the hillbilly and he began whittling a switch from hickory wood. "I'm gonna ask you boys one more time and then I am taking the switch to all of you! Who pushed the outhouse into the river???" Still no answer. The hillbilly had to get his answer, and since threats didn't work, he tried a unique approach. "My dear sons, George Washington was a man of honor. He never told a lie; when his paw asked him who cut down the cherry tree, he stepped forward and told the truth! His father did not give him a whippin'! So which one of you boys, fruit of my loins, will muster up the moral fiber and speak the truth?" Very timidly his youngest son stepped forward and replied "P-Paw, it...was...m-me." The hillbilly immediately grabbed him by the sleeve, spun him around, and swatted him three times with the hickory switch! Rubbing his sore behind, the lad asked in tears "Paw, I thought George Washington didn't get a whippin' when he told his paw he cut down the cherry tree!"

"SON, GEORGE WASHINGTON'S PAW WASN'T IN THE CHERRY TREE AT THE TIME!!!"

FM COMNAVSURFOR WASHINGTON DC//N001//
TO: ALNAV BT

SUBJ: SAFE WORK PRACTICES IN POTENTIALLY FLAMMABLE ATMOSPHERES

1. A PETTY OFFICER WAS TREATED AT A MILITARY TREATMENT FACILITY (MTF) AFTER COMPLAINING OF SHORTNESS OF BREATH AFTER WORKING IN AN ENCLOSED WORKSPACE WITH SEVERAL OTHER PERSONNEL. THE DINING FACILITY HAD SERVED A MEXICAN MEAL FOR LUNCH, CAUSING SUSPECTED HIGH METHANE AND SULFITE LEVELS IN THE ATMOSPHERE FROM THE CREW'S FLATULENCE.

2. MANY NAVY PERSONNEL WORK IN FACILITIES AND ON SHIPS WHERE FLATULENCE MAY EXIST, AND DUE TO MISSION URGENCY ARE NOT ABLE TO IMMEDIATELY VACATE THE SPACE SHOULD THE AIR BECOME FOUL. THIS MISHAP SERVES AS A STRONG REMINDER THAT THE EXPRESSION OF FLATULENCE CAN BE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS IN THESE AREAS, UNLESS THEY ARE SPECIFICALLY LISTED AS INTRINSICALLY SAFE. THE NAVY HAS DEVELOPED THE FOLLOWING SAFE WORK PRACTICE TO ADDRESS THIS PROBLEM:

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, THE PRACTICE OF EXPELLING FLATULENCE, COMMONLY REFERRED TO AS "FARTING," "BREAKING WIND," OR "PASSING GAS," IS PROHIBITED ABOARD ALL NAVAL SHIPS, BOATS, VEHICLES, AIRCRAFT, AND SHORE INSTALLATIONS.

3. THIS REGULATION APPLIES NOT ONLY TO AUDIBLE FLATULENCE, OR INCIDENTS THAT ARE CLAIMED BY THEIR PERPETRATOR, BUT ALSO TO COVERT EVENTS SUCH AS "DEADLY WHISPERS", "CHEEK SNEAKERS", "CROP DUSTINGS", AND THE EVER-POPULAR "SBD" (SILENT, BUT DEADLY).

4. UNAUTHORIZED EXPULSION OF FLATULENCE IS TO BE PUNISHED UNDER THE UCMJ. "HE WHO SMELT IT DEALT IT" IS CONSIDERED SUFFICIENT BASIS FOR PROSECUTION. "I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GOING TO STINK" OR "I ATE AT THE GALLEY" WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED AS AN EXCUSE FOR FAILURE TO CONTROL ONE'S SELF.

5. COMMANDS ARE INSTRUCTED TO ENSURE KNOWN GAS-PRODUCING FOODS ARE AVOIDED AT THE DINING FACILITIES. MEXICAN-THEMED MEALS, NAVY OR BAKED BEANS, CHILI, CABBAGE, AND EGG SALAD ARE NO LONGER AUTHORIZED MENU ITEMS.

6. THE LIGHTING OF FLATULENCE WITH ANY TYPE OF OPEN FLAME IS STILL PROHIBITED.

CHRUCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS (or why you need to use a spell check!)

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
3.The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:"Searching for Jesus."
4.Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5."Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6.The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
7.Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
8.Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
9.Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
10.Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
11.For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
12.Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
13.Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
14.During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15.The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
16.Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
17.A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
18.At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
19.Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20.Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
21.The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M.. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
22.Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
23.Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
24.The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
25.Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
26.The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
27.This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
28.Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
29.Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
30.The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
31.Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
32.Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
33.The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
34.Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

1. Here is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.

2. While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.

3. A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven..."

4. A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean; same in my business."

5. People want the front of the bus, back of the church & center of attention.

6. Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.

7. Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in world: there are those who wake up in the morning and say ............. "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

8. A minister parked his car in a no parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES. When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.

9. A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' What the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, what does the Bible mean?" "Daddy, It stands for...Basic Information Before Leaving Earth."

Did you hear about the guy from West Virginia who passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There is dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in West Virginia? Documentaries.

Where was the toothbrush invented? West Virginia. If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-70 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"

Did you hear about the $3 million West Virginia State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in West Virginia burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss, too. Both books-poof! -- up in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

A new law recently passed in West Virginia: When a couple gets divorced, they're STILL brother and sister.

1. CHURCH PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY! Trespassers will be baptized!
2. "No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace."
3. "Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!"
4. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
5. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For Fast Relief, Take Two Tablets."
6. "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
7. "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush."
8. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
9. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-Smoking."
10. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives."
11. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
12. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
13. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
14. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
15. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
16. "A ch__ch is a church when (U R) in it."
17. "In the dark? Follow the Son."
18. "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back in.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire steer, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral of this story is: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

When I die, I want to die peacfully in my sleep just like my grandpaw...not screaming like the four passengers in the truck he was driving.

And Lastly: There are three kinds of men.
The one that learns by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

These Ten Commandments are posted at Cross Trails Church, a "cowboy church" in Fairle, Texas.

Just one God

Honor yer Ma & Pa

No telling tales or gossipin'

Git yourself to Sunday meeting

Put nothin' before God

No foolin' around with another fellow's gal

No killin'

Watch yer mouth

Don't take what ain't yers

Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

These humorous pics were sent by my brother. Enjoy!

This hilarious pic was sent by my uncle. It sums it all up concerning the relationship between elected officials and those who voted for them.

This actually appeared in a recent issue of Popular Science magazine. The writer says one can go...FAST...in this beauty! Check it out.

Actual schematic of the hot rod outhouse.



Outhouse on a test drive. Is it baked bean or chili powered?

Because of our mountains, we have rivers. The oldest river in the Western Hemisphere, the New River (quite appropriately named, don't you think) ends in West Virginia. We have the Gauley River, which confluence's with the New River in a magnificent cascade to form the Kanawha River, which in turn flows through the center of the state, and directly through the capital city of Charleston, the largest city in West Virginia. These rivers in addition to the Cheat, Blackwater, Tygart, Monongahela, Ohio and countless others offer tremendous recreational opportunities.

The tallest building in Charleston is barely 25 floors tall, which, if you think about it, is a plus; how could you possibly build a skyscraper more beautiful than a mountain?

The capital city stretches throughout the long river valley encompassing both hill and dale.

The Charleston airport, the largest in the state, sits on top of a mountain.

The crime rate in Charleston, including the entire population of the Kanawha Valley (around 200,000), reflects that of the entire state, the lowest in America. No more than a handful of murders are committed each year.

Charleston has no subway systems, but, truth be known, you can get from one end of town to the other, even in rush ho hour traffic, in less than ten minutes.

There are three major interstate systems going through Charleston, the smallest city in America to make such a claim.

The entire state has six different interstate systems, meaning, from Charleston, you can reach Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, Louisville or Charlotte in four hours or less...

Ah, but once you leave the interstates, the drive becomes a thing of wonder. Two lane roads, winding up and down the mountains, offer amazing views and historic places, small towns, poor in wealth but rich in history.

West Virginia is the birthplace of Mother's Day, in Grafton; and Father's Day, in Fairmont.

We have the oldest covered bridge still in use. We have walnut festivals and strawberry festivals and apple festivals and pumpkin festivals and buckwheat festivals, and arts and crafts fairs and stern wheel regattas and ramp dinners.

We have Bridge Day, on the New River Gorge bridge over 800 feet above the New River; the only standing structure in the United States that, one day a year, allows parachuting and bungee jumping.

We have college basketball, and minor league baseball and hockey, and, just like all of America, Friday night high school football.

We have white water rafting, and skiing, and hiking, and caves, and waterfalls, and camping in every direction.

We have Sundays where a leisurely drive in the car can take eight hours, and only cover 100 miles.

We have bed and breakfasts, and resorts, and golf courses, and museums, and the Greenbrier Hotel. West Virginia has more natural beauty and wonder than any person could ever imagine.

We have all of this, and yet .... our greatest asset is our people. West Virginians are good people. We care about each other. We talk to our neighbors over the backyard fence.

We grow tomatoes for the entire neighborhood.

We turn around in each other's driveways, and yell "howdy" when we do.

We sit on the porch on warm summer evenings, listening to crickets, and watching kids catch fireflies.

We loan a hammer, or a cup of sugar. We don't take two-hour lunches, but we do spend a few minutes each day with a cup of coffee, and our feet up on our desk, shooting the breeze.

We rarely get in a hurry. We have relatives just down the street. We don't just loan someone a socket wrench, we help them fix their car. We share recipes, and gardening tips, and our last cup of coffee. We baby sit each other's kids, we house sit each other's dogs while we're on vacation, and we loan each other our cars if we have to get to the drugstore.

We ask each other if we need anything as we're going to the market.

We celebrate each of her accomplishments, and we cry over each other's disappointments.

We are a friendly folk. We are West Virginians.

Mountaineers are always free! Free to take the time to enjoy life, and hold each moment in our hearts, forever.