FAQs

Who are you?

We're still working on that. It'll be in the next upgrade.

Do you have any other hobbies?

I eat.

How old are you?

To the tune of "I Can't Drive...," in the style of "Ol' Man River" as done by the Ravens:
I have all my joints and most of my teeth, yeah.
I just bought a gravesite 'cause one day I'll need it, yeah.
I've got caffeine and fatalism to keep me goin',
If you want to ride the highway you've got to pay the toll.

Just last week I was twenty-five.
Now here I am, I'm barely alive.
A look in the mirror shows it's no lie,
I just turned fifty-five.

I wear baggy shirts just like Sammy Hagar, yeah.
Even he sounds good if its loud in the bar, yeah.
Hang up my guitar, it's not goin' far,
It's too late now to become a rock star.

Just last week I was twenty-five.
Now....

So sign me up for A A R P, yeah.
Give me a collar for my fleas, yeah.
Hand me down my cane and my amplified phone,
Point me toward my heavenly home.

It's been so long since twenty-five.
Now....

Are you a superhero?

No, I'm a secret identity.

Why did you allow the word "shit" to appear on one of your pages?

Hey, it's not me! That's in a quotation! But, as a dear brother in the Lord once said to me, "Sometimes you just gotta stand out in the middle of the street and yell 'f---!'"
Incidentally the geocities Terms of Service says "You understand that by using the Service, you may be exposed to Content that is offensive, indecent or objectionable" and immediately afterward "You agree to not use the Service to: (a) upload, post or otherwise transmit any Content that is unlawful, harmful, threatening, abusive, harassing, tortious, defamatory, vulgar, obscene, libelous, invasive of another's privacy, hateful, or racially, ethnically or otherwise objectionable...." I was confused by this, but I guess it means they can do it, but not us. Well, shit.

Are you a pacifist?

Yes, violently so, especially the fist part.

Why?

Given the alternatives, why not?

What should we do in Iraq? (January '07)

Requiring pacifists to solve problems created by non-pacifists is not a good argument against pacifism.

What do you want on your oatmeal, honey?

Marmalade but we don't have it, so honey, honey.

Why aren't you more critical of President Bush?

It's true he's not pretty, but you haven't seen me, though I am running for president.

Do you always drive like that?

Only when I'm awake.

I can't get this damn software to work!

We can't either, but you must admit we have a clever marketing department.

Are you a sexist?

Yes, I am in favor of sex.

Are you a homophobe?

Only on Tuesdays.

Are you a racist?

No, because I'm overweight and would never win.

What are you, some kind of idiot?

Back to the driving question, is it?

Who did you vote for in the 2000 presidential election?

Given the choice of which whiney spoiled rich kid should implement America's conscience, I got sick and stayed home.

Who did you vote for in the 2004 presidential election?

Given the spectacle of friends thinking one of those two guys was the "peace candidate," I got sick and stayed home.

Do you think you're smarter than everyone else?

Yes, and from the look of things it seems the web was made for people like me.
Yes, and that's why I'm running for president.
No. Pogo is smarter.

What do you want for Christmas?

Oh, probably something guitar-related.

How many guitars do you own?

Enough for the New Christy Minstrels (that dates me, don't it?) to become a folk-classical-blues-rock band. Now that's a scary thought.

How many banjos and accordions?

3 and 2

Any other bad habits?

I might take a close look at your daughter if she walks by.

You are disgusting.

That's not a question, just a slam on banjoists and accordionists. I'll have to report you to the BAPAADL. Their lawyers will be contacting you. Or their thugs.

I think God wouldn't send anyone to hell. Don't you agree?

That's called universalism. Everyone is going to heaven. As for me, I think a better case can be made from the Bible for reverse universalism: we're all going to hell.

Who are you, really?

Okay, here's something. Remember, you asked.
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