An account of my early struggles in Christanity.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I never really understood the meaning of that phrase until I became a Christian. The road I followed to get there was filled with viney rosebushes covered with thorns as sharp as razorblades, stabbing and twisting my feelings in every which way. Despite this hurt, a powerful force, always by my side, protected me from death and allowed my wounds to heal. It may have hurt, but becoming a Christian was the best thing that ever happened to me.

The first step was baptism, but I didn't really choose that for the right reasons. I still remember Wednesday three years ago when my grandmother and I were attending church. Her home had recently become my own, so I was always looking for ways to show her love. She always wanted me to choose the Lord and become heavenbound, so that night I choose a beautiful way to please her. I had my sins washed away and began a new life as a child of God, all because she wanted me to.

When I actually committed getting baptized, I was nervous on the outside and afraid on the inside. I came into the ministers office answered his question, "Do you believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross so you may be saved?." My anxious answer was "yes". A series of questions like these made me feel like I was interviewing for a job. Next, the church's service had to complete before the baptismal ceremony began. During that time, hundreds of questions ran through my mind: "Will I still enjoy scary movies? Can I still play violent video games? Do Christians have any fun at all?" Although all of these concerns frightened me, something kept me from calling it off. Finally the time came to be dipped in the water, so the minister asked me once again, this time in front of the entire congregation, "Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?" I gazed helplessly at the audience as every tense emotion ran through my body. My expectations were nothing but the worst, but somehow, miraculously, my head turned and my throat muscles contracted forming my reply, "Yes?".

This was the first of many deep challenges ahead of me. The next obstacle I faced was ignorance, since I was in the dark about how to live my new life. To combat this, I began to bring my bible to school so I could learn about God whenever I had a free moment. Since I was only a high school freshman, doing this presented me with the new challenge of ridicule. I felt hurt and alone when people accused me of carrying a purse and labeled me "bible boy." These weren't my only challenges. I battled temptation to stray, laziness in sleeping too much, greed of family members, people using me as well as those I care about, and deadly influences from people labeled "freaks" at school. Then, last summer, I faced depression. My life was full of stress including an ungodly girlfriend, lots of homework, family feuding, and literally no time to myself. I felt lonely, inwardly furious, worthless, and like I would always be miserable. I even felt the Lord had given up on me, and it crossed my mind to give up on him. Yet, somehow I survived.

Not only did I survive, but I gained invaluable wisdom from those experiences. From facing with cruel teasers and mockers, I learned that silence is powerful at the right moments and my beliefs are not necessarily those of others. I stopped bringing my bible to school, but something wouldn't let me stop reading. Even when I was sad, my faith stayed inside and I never lost hope. Experiencing depression taught me that after every dark valley in life there's a bright mountain up ahead waiting to reveal it's flowers. Psalms 29:11 reads, "The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." I know now that God let me feel pain, but he used that pain so I could grow.

It hasn't been easy, but it has certainly been enriching. My choice to climb into God's arms was the most significant moment of my life. I now look toward the future with joy, knowing that this path will one day reach it's end, and my soul will be with that caring, loving Lord in a beautiful place. I always prayed that I would never give up. Now I see that the "something" which always tugged at my soul, and kept me going, was my Father, answering that prayer, right by my side.

Version 7
Brandon Layne 2000

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