| The Ignorant People of Crapperton |
| If you've read my entry about MR. CASSIDY, then you already are aware of at least one ignorant person in CRAPPERTON; that is, if he's still alive. But, Dear Friends, there are many ignorant people in CRAPPERTON. Now mind you, it's been many years since I've lived there, but people can't just keep in-breeding like that without producing dullard progeny. My first tale of ignorance begins at a supermarket years ago where I was standing in line waiting to pay for a few items that my mother had sent me to pick up. A woman, about 60 or 65 years old I'd say, wanted to pay for her groceries with food stamps. For some reason the clerk needed her signature to which she answered, "But Ah cain't wraht." So he then asked, "Well, what's your phone number?" "Ah don't know," she said. "Well, then, where do you live?" She pointed vaguely off in some direction and said, "Right up thar." He asked, "What's the name of the street?" "Ah don't know," she said. "OK," he said, "How long have you lived there?" "Twenty-five yahrs," she responded. How is this possible, you may ask. "It's CRAPPERTON!" is the answer. I personally feel that "Ah don't know" should become the town slogan, don't you? My next tale takes place in our living room, where a fairly well-off friend of both my sisters was telling me that he was about to graduate from high school. I asked him what his plans were. He had grand schemes, I can tell you...."Ah'm stayin' raht cheer and workin' in my daddy's gas station." I asked him if he didn't want to move away and see a little bit of the country. He answered, "Shoot, I ain't been nowhere but CRAPPERTON, 'cept for SPEEDBUMP raht up the road." I thought about it and realized he was being very Hamletesque; why face unknown difficulties when familiar ones are more comfortable? I mean, if he were to move away, then he wouldn't have an immediate support group if his tractor broke down. But if he stayed in CRAPPERTON, then his daddy (who was probably also his brother) knew people who could fix things if he got arrested for that moonshine distillerie in his backyard. Ah yes, it doth bring a tear to mine eye to remember the good ol' days in CRAPPERTON. However, my own move away from there brought a big surprise to me. I had always been a GENIUS compared with their "half a bubble off of plumb" DNA, so when I went to Big Name University, I was disappointed to learn that I was only slightly above average. But I was still fantabulous! Go to important matters Go back home |