| May 22, 2003 - A haiku to my colon |
| Oh, colon most fair! Words fail me when I see you. Mt. Fuji is calm. Yes, Dear Friends, the doctor gave my colon a clean bill of health. Even the Department of Homeland Security has declared it terrorist-free. And, contrary to popular belief, Iraq's weapons of mass destruction have not been stored up my bum. Of course, I know you've all been dying to find out about the proctoscopy. Well, he showed me the instrument (herein affectionately known as the Disemboweler). The Disemboweler was twelve inches long and as big as the nozzle on a gasoline pump. Oy! Anyway, Dr. Gonzalez knew what he was doing so it wasn't that painful. However, as he wiggled it around to look at the walls of my wonderful colon, I could feel it moving around. I had to wonder to myself if that's what it feels like when a pregnant woman feels her baby moving. If so, I don't think I'd make a very good pregnant woman. The moment I felt the baby squiggling around I'd be screaming, "Get this creature out of me!" Anyway, as I was hunched there on my hands and knees I told Dr. Gonzalez that the only thing that kept me from panicking was the realization that hundreds of people have proctoscopies all the time and somehow survive them. And he said, "JOHNNYLEEN, the Disemboweler is not much bigger than stool and you can pass that. It was designed to not be bigger than that." And I answered, "Dr. Gonzalez, I'm sure that's true, but stool doesn't normally try to climb back inside of you." Now on a less anal note, I'm reading Pippi Longstocking in Swedish! I actually have Lord of the Rings in Swedish, too, but it's just too advanced vocabulary-wise for me. Reading Pippi is difficult enough; I have to look up every other word. I'm sure everyone on the subway finds it amusing to see a grown man sitting there reading Pippi Longstocking, although my flipping through my giganto Swedish dictionary should give them a clue that I'm trying to improve my Swedish. But I point at each word and move my lips as I'm reading it, so they probably take note of that and write about it on their own webpages. One thing I've realized just in the 20 pages I've read is that Pippi Longstocking is fantabulous...just like me! However, unlike Pippi, I don't have hoards of gold coins lying around the house and I don't have a pet monkey. I also tend to be a little more respectful to adults than Pippi does, although I know a few I'd like to give a swift kick in the tushie to. Well, Memorial Day is almost here and I have absolutely no huge plans for the long weekend. On Saturday a good friend of mine is coming over for a few hours and then I'm getting my haircut. On Sunday night, Miss Diva has asked me to go to Ye Olde Watering Hole to hear a Zydeco band that her boyfriend is playing with. I would dearly love to treat myself to a big chunk of juicy cow meat on Sunday followed by a few vodka drinks, but I don't know that I will. If it rains as expected, I'll probably just stay at home until time to go to hear the band. I wish I had more to report, but unfortunately I don't. Perhaps if I go out to lunch today I'll run into some weirdo that I can write about. There's a guy who occasionally sits outside hateful ol' work asking for money. It's always a treat to see him, because if you don't give him money, he says things like "I hope you choke on your lunch, you m.f.!" Now, yesterday I did pass by a guy who informed me that he hates white people and wanted to know why a black man couldn't get a white woman. Since I took it as a rhetorical question from an alcoholic mind, I didn't bother trying to respond. Next entry Previous entry Go to diary entries Go back home |