| December 30,2002 - Crapperton, my high school town |
| Dear Friends, over the weekend I realized I could use my webpage to vent about one my favorite objects of scorn: the town down Souf' where I attended junior high and high school. I definitely will not get all maudlin, because the town is ridiculously pathetic. Nor will I let my hatred for the place obscure the humor of it. Let me introduce you then to that small town somewhere in the Souf' which I shall call CRAPPERTON. *thunder clap* It was a rainy day in February when we first approached CRAPPERTON. The first thing I noticed was a banner that said "CRAPPERTON, All American City". I couldn't figure it out; the town looked horrible whereas the town we were moving from was beautiful, and it had never received All American City! Well, at any rate, my father had had difficulty finding us a house so we had to move into a rat-infested trailer! Could anything be any less fantabulous? I went out back of our mobile home to throw away some garbage and stepped in a pile of mud caused by a backup from the septic tank that wasn't functioning properly (the charm is just increasing, isn't it?). Actually, the area around the septic tank was the only place where any grass ever grew; the rest of the yard was just sand. So as I struggled to pull my foot out of the mud, my shoe came off my foot and mud poured into it. Now, mind you, this was a shoe that had a zipper up the side as was the style then, so it didn't really slide that easily off and on. That shows you that was some mighty strong mud! So after my bout of mud wrestling, I had a vague idea that life was not going to be all that bootilicious in CRAPPERTON. The very next day after our move I was supposed to catch the bus to school, but I had eaten some fast food that caused me to have diarrhea for a full week, so the pleasure of meeting my future classmates (all of whom were related to one another) had to be postponed. A few days after my illness began, I felt well enough to go outside for a bit. I stepped out the door where I was accosted by the next door lady, who asked me "Do you live in that thar trailer house?" In CRAPPERTON things are either that thar or this har. Her accent was so heavy that she had to repeat the question a few times before I understood her. Her family's house was insulated from the cold by empty cigarette cartons that had been wedged up under the tiles that lined the house. They had a pump on the back porch because there was no running water inside. When they needed to wash clothes, she would haul out this really old wringer washing machine and set it in the backyard. If I remember correctly, she and her husband had about 4 kids. Oh, yes, no running water inside meant they had no toilet either. I would see people going back and forth into what I thought was a toolshed at all times of the day and night. I finally got up the nerve to ask one of the kids what they kept in the toolshed. Boy did they have a good laught at my expense! Oh, and I forgot to mention the yard was full of chickens! Between the kids and chickens running around all the time, it was a constant hullabaloo! Well, even after all these years, that house and that trailer are still there. People in CRAPPERTON dislike change. The trailer has been painted a dirty brown color (it was blue and white when we lived there). The house looks like it's been fixed up a bit, but I don't know if it has running water or not. Dear Friends, have you ever heard of places that seem to have curses on them, you know, like the Bermuda Triangle? Well, when I finally left that thar town, I was convinced it was built on top of a Native American burial ground or at least near a portal to Hades. I think I should give the phenomenon a name like the CRAPPERTON Octagon or the Devil's Shopping Outlet. If you can think up a good name, submit it through my guestbook and I'll be happy to consider it! I don't know how often I'll write about CRAPPERTON for your enjoyment, but rest assured I have plenty of juicy stories about life there and some of its residents. So check my website often to see if I've updated it with more horror from CRAPPERTON! Next entry Previous entry Go to diary entries Go back home |