When I was young and had no sense
I had a piss on an electric fence
It tickled my prick
and shivered my balls
And made me shit in my overalls!
***
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?
To which he replied. That would be fine with me.
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye...
***
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
***
Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters.
The Brunette said, "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes."
The Redhead said, "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks.
The Blonde said, "I was looking through my daughters things and
I found a pack of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"
***
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink the next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen. So, he says, "Okay", and sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."
He makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.
Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly!"
He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer.
"My name's Father O'Malley."
***
When short hemlines came back into fashion, I dug an old miniskirt out of my closet. I tried it on, but couldn't figure out what to do with the other leg.
***
Every man needs a wife because there are a number of things that go wrong that one cannot blame on the government.
***
It's a very strange name they picked for "Social Security".
For what they actually send you, you can't afford to be "social" nor can you really feel "secure"
***
The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
