I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password.
Now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude
and goes for the shock effect...so when the computer asked him to
enter his password, he keys in "penis"...
I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
*** PLEASE TRY A NEW ONE ***
***
It's Saturday morning. Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello" Says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, Honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming; then she tripped over the rug and fell down the front steps and she's just lying there. I think she's dead."
"Oh my God! And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving. He may be dead, too."
There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
***
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem"
She says "Tell me"
He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand.
She asks him what are they.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh thats no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy".
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement.
He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle, is pussy"
"OK dad, so whats a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
***
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!" said the first doctor. "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
***
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
