[Where known, the joke suppliers name is in brackets]

A beautiful woman is about to undergo an operation. She's laid on a trolley Bed by a nurse and wheeled down the corridor to the operating theatre. Before they enter the theatre the nurse leaves her in the corridor to go in and check whether everything is ready. A young man in a white coat approaches, Takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations. When the third man starts examining her so closely, she grows impatient and says: " All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugs his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
[Lozza]

*** So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quite, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, Shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more then ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks bird the in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quite. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says. "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
[Lozza]

*** VET EXPENSES.
A man took his dog to the vet . " Doc my dog is really sick" "Put him up on the table and we'll have a look. Sorry mate but your dogs dead" Said the vet. " No way he's just sick." said the man "I want a second opinion" So the vet asked the nurse to bring in a Labrador. The Labrador sniffed the dog all over, hung his head and walked out. "There you go." said the vet "told you, he's dead. The man asked for another oppinion. The vet told the nurse to bring in a cat. The cat rubbed up against the dog, licked its face and walked off. "I belive you now, if he was alive that cat would be dead. " Said the man. "That will be three hundred dollars, thank you." Said the vet "but out side it said consultations $30" said the man " Yes." Said the vet. "But you also had a lab report and a cat scan, hence the $300 dollars."
[Steve and Sandie]

*** How do you drown a blonde? Glue a mirror to the bottom of the pool."
[Steve and Sandie]

*** THE BEER PRAYER.
Our lager
Which art in heaven
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk
(I will be drunk)
At home as in tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those that spill against us
And lead us not to incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager
Forever and ever.
    BARMEN
[Steve and Sandie]

*** Why did the coach give al his players a lighter? Because they keep loosing their matches.

How do you make a hankie dance? You put a little boogie in it.

A lady got on the bus one day with her baby. "Gee that babys ugly." Said the bus driver. The lady ran to the back of the bus crying. The man on the bus said "Whats wrong love" "the bus driver just insulted me" She said "He can't do that." said the man "You go up there and tell him off" " Oh no i couldn't do that" She said " yes you can" said the man " I'll hold your monkey for you."

A man took his dog to the vet. "Doctor! doctor! help my dogs got no nose" "How does he smell?" Said the vet "Bloody awful" Said the man.
[Steve and Sandie]

*** THE TRUTH ABOUT CALORIES.
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soft drink when eating chocolate, the diet soft drink cancels out any calories in the chocolate.
3. When eating with someone else, your calories don't count if you eat less then they do.
4. Calories in food used for medical purposes NEVER count, eg: hot chocolate, brandy, etc.
5. Movie-related foods do not add calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package. eg: Jaffas, buttered popcorn, minties, etc.
6. Biscuit pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
7. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something, because calories only become part of the complete meal when it's cooked, eg: ice cream off a spoon, icing off a knife, etc.
8. Foods that have the same color have the same number off calories. Examples are, spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.
NOTE: The harmful effects of caffine, fat and sugar in hot chocolate drinks or cappuccinos will be neutralised when you drink them with skim milk.

***