Against Corporate Naming
John Lehning
A name is a very powerful thing. I suppose ‘name’ could be defined as a verbal or written representation of an object. Every time something about that object must be communicated, its name must be used. The process of naming things often varies based on the type of object it is. There is a set of names that is normally used for people, new biological discoveries inevitably get some sort of Latin name, football teams normally get tough-sounding names, and new sports arenas and events – well, they get corporate names.
I don’t really enjoy condemning things, for I am not perfect, and, in this case, I know there are a lot of worse problems in the world. However, the corporate naming trend bothers me somewhat. I think that the most distressing example of this is the bowl games of college football. I’m not sure when the corporations began inserting their names at the beginning of the bowl games. I vaguely remember a time when the Sugar Bowl was not the Nokia Sugar Bowl, a time before it was even the USF&G Sugar Bowl. I think it used to be just the plain old Sugar Bowl. But just like the Sugar Bowl, every bowl game seems to be associated with some corporate entity. Even the Rose Bowl is now the Rose Bowl presented by AT&T. In some cases, the parasitic corporate sponsor has even killed off the original name, if it ever had one. A few of these gems are the Micron PC Bowl, the Insight.com Bowl, and my all-time favorite, the now defunct Car Quest Bowl.
In professional sports, there is a similar phenomenon. As many from this area may already be aware, the Detroit Tigers are in the process of building a new ballpark to replace Tiger Stadium. Tiger Stadium is a perfectly functional place, but it seems that it doesn’t have enough luxury seating to pull in the revenue that some of the newer parks do. Appropriately enough, the new stadium may be named Comerica Park, after a banking corporation that has reportedly offered $66 million for the plug. But one should hardly be shocked by this, for many sporting arenas around the country are or are to be named after corporations. Remember Candlestick Park and Riverfront Stadium? They have been renamed 3COM Park and Cinergy Field. And have you heard of Bank One Ballpark in Arizona, National Car Rental Center in Florida, or Pepsi Center, which is being built in Colorado? There are many more, but I only get so much room.
Even here at the university, we are not immune. It hasn’t come to the point of naming yet, but I’m sure everybody is aware that Michigan’s athletic teams now all wear those cute little Nike swooshes on their uniforms. Every time we play State now, though I know it’s still the battle for Michigan, I can’t help but think it’s just Nike versus Reebok. And how long is it going to be until Michigan Stadium gets some corporate sponsor? Impossible? I hear that Ohio State has just opened a new basketball/hockey venue called Value City Arena. How long before our glorious teams are renamed the Nike Michigan Wolverines, how long till the swooshes outgrow the "Michigan" on the uniforms? I used to dream about being an athlete when I was a kid playing sports, but now I’m glad I never made it. I’m sure the athletes still love the game, it’s just that it’s not about the game anymore. I’m not sure when it stopped being about the game, but now it seems to me that the athletes are just puppets playing out an eye-catching drama in front of a great, big billboard with a corporate logo on it.
Even in the most unlikely places, such as my own college, the College of Engineering, this naming trend is present. Although the motivation seems quite inexplicable, the dean of my college is no longer merely ‘the dean.' Nope, he is now the 'Robert J. Vlasic Dean of Engineering.' Now I have the utmost respect for the keen business skills of Mr. Vlasic, and thank him very much for his generous endowment to the deanship – but does the head of our college have to go by the nickname "Dean Pickle" from now on? Am I now just a little engineering gherkin, or what? I don’t care what they say, I’m not wearing some pickle logo like the athletes wear that damned swoosh.
But maybe I need to keep up with the times and get used to the fact that corporate money is the god the world serves. Yes, I think I am going to make my own deal, a separate deal. All CEOs in the readership, consider carefully: for the bargain price of 1 million dollars, I will cease to be called ‘John Lehning’ and will henceforth be known as ‘The (insert your corporate name here) Student of Engineering.’ Every time the teacher calls on me in class, every time my friends or even my parents want to refer to me, they will be forced to provide your corporation with free advertising. I look forward to hearing from you – my email address is below.