The Last Great Bastion of Communism

John Lehning

Half a century ago, one of the primary fears of the American people was communism. The military fought against it abroad, while our government and the American people fought its domestic manifestations. A decisive victory was achieved in that struggle about a decade ago. Forty years of mostly-peaceful struggling finally wore out most of the commie bastards, and we smashed the Berlin Wall and brought the free market into many formerly communist lands. Although we hardly got to shoot any of those reds, and didn’t get to nuke any of their cities, we did end up winning the peace.

Today, many of my fellow Americans feel that communism is dead. Although we all wish it were, unfortunately, this is not the case. Communism has been defeated, but not completely eradicated, as it must be. Much of the newsmedia today, including this leftist paper, has tried to divert the public’s attention away from the weakened, but still existent, threat of communism, and to soften the public’s intrinsic hatred for it. But today, I have bravely taken a stand against this deception to bring to the public’s eye the final fortress of communism. I don’t refer to China, North Korea, Cuba, or Canada, although a case can be made for each. No, I’m talking about a much more sinister and insidious infestation, one which has sprung up from an institution deeply rooted in American culture.

I refer to the American family. Yes, it’s true, as much as it bleeds my red, white, and blue blood to admit it: the American family is the last great bastion of communism. Outside forces, of course, still pose some threat, but many of the recognized ‘communist’ nations are being infiltrated by the West even at this moment. And we all know that Cuba will become capitalist the second that old commie kicks off. The American family, contrarily, is a firmly entrenched institution that significantly determines America's future by influencing the development of its youth. So clever were the communist agents! They placed their seed so deeply into our culture that most Americans are completely unaware of the implantation.

Though I know that my parents were only victims of an insidious communist subterfuge, I don’t believe I will ever be able to forgive them for their ideological weakness. I realize the wrongs they committed in my upbringing, and I will never do the same with my own children. See, my parents raised my four siblings and I by loving us all equally, regardless of our accomplishments, our work, or our value to the family. Then, as a child, I supposed equality sounded fair and true; at that age, even I fell victim to the communist trickery. However, I have undergone extensive indoctrination in capitalism since becoming an adult, and I realize now the Marxist sedition of the philosophy of my parents. And as much as I love my parents, deep down inside, I know that they deserve to be shot. But readers, please do not act rashly, for they did not know any better! Though they do not deserve it, let us attempt to rehabilitate our parents with the enlightenment of our capitalist ways.

Let them know that, rather than loving us all equally and giving to us in equal measure, that they must give in proportion to our fair market value. For example, in my family, I was the biggest and strongest, and the one who always did the most work. My siblings were smaller and weaker than I, and never had as great a production value. Clearly, my parents should have loved me more than them, but no, it was always this everybody-is-equal pinko rhetoric.

But it will be different in my American family, yes sir. Whatever benefit my children provide to me will merit how much food they receive. In a free market, there can be no inefficient external subsidies! For Christmas, I’m just going to buy the presents and let my children fight over them. If the younger and weaker don’t get any, that’s their problem. My family shall not be a welfare state. Is it the fault of the strong that the weak can’t take care of themselves?

You, students of the University of Michigan, will soon be founding American families of your own, and it is primarily for your benefit that I write this column. I have done my best to elucidate for you the communist ploy which has fooled nearly the entire nation of America. The leftist columnist who writes tomorrow will surely try to convince you that I am wrong, but please, for the sake of America, believe me; do as I say! God bless you all!