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| Once there was a penguin who's car broke down. He took it in to
get it serviced, and while it was being worked on he went shopping. He
returned later that day to see what had happened to his car.
The mechanic told him ''It looks like you've blown a seal.'' The penguin replied, ''No, i've just eaten an ice-cream''.' |
| A reporter asked Henry Ford the secret of his successful married
life.
“Same as with cars - STICK TO ONE MODEL.” |
| Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle
Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, “Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven.” Davidson thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang out with God, Himself.” The befeathered fellow at the gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, “Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?” God says, “Ah, yes.” “Well,” says Davidson, “You have some major design flaws in your invention: One, there's too much front-end protrusion Two, it chatters at high speeds. Three, the rear end wobbles too much. Four, the intake is placed too close to the exhaust.” “Hmmm...” replies God, “hold on.” God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. “It may be that my invention is flawed,” God tells Arthur Davidson, “but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours.” |
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| On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2
French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman,
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Polish
men and 1 Polish woman, 2 Japanese men and 1
Japanese woman, 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman, 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman, 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman. One month later, the following things have occurred.... One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions. The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who called them both “bloody wankers” and is checking out all the other men. Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep. The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any. The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two American men have committed suicide. |
| An alien walked into a shop and told the owner that he came
from Mars and wanted to buy a brain for research. ''How much is this one?'' he asked. ''Well that one is a monkey brain and it's $20,'' he explained. ''how much is that one?'' he asked ''Well that one is a female brain and its $100.'' he explained. ''And how much is that one?'' he asked. ''That one is a male's brain and it is $500'' he explained. ''Why so expensive?'' the alien asked. ''Well it has hardly been used!'' |
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| A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother,
who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'" |
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| With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line
of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society... DIRECTRA -- a dose of this drug given
to men before
PROJECTRA -- Men given this experimental
new drug
CHILDAGRA -- Men taking this drug
reported a sudden,
COMPLIMENTRA -- In clinical trials,
82 percent of
BUYAGRA -- Married and otherwise attached
men
NEGA-VIAGRA -- Has the exact opposite
effect of Viagra.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA -- This drug had the
strange effect of
FLATULAGRA -- This complex drug converts
men's
FLYAGRA -- This drug has been showing
great promise in
PRYAGRA -- About to fail its clinical
trial, this drug gave
LIAGRA -- This drug causes men to
be less than truthful
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| Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Gerald Fitzhenry and Henry FitzGerald. |
| A nun walks into a liquor store and says, "Give me a pint of brandy."
The guy replies, "Sister, I've never sold alcohol to a nun." She says, "It's for the Mother Superior, she's constipated." So he sells it to her. Later that night, he walks out, and there's the nun on the stoop, with the empty bottle, drunk as a skunk, singing and laughing. He says, "Sister, for shame. You told me the bottle was for the Mother Superior's constipation." The nun says, "It is. She's constipated and, when she sees me, she's gonna shit." |
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| Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.
Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"
On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When
he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and
goes back to his mother saying, "I
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