My thoughts, My concerns, My real world.

By John Harms

I will tell you about myself. I am a gay, 20 year-old male student (sophomore level) at Central Michigan University. I live in a dormitory room, having two other roommates besides me. One is a completely straight freshman here at the university, and the other is a senior about to graduate and go on to graduate school. As of this time, neither of them know, although either may have a suspicion. This place isn't the best place to publicize my gayness, so I will tell only those who ask and whom I can trust. I am confused about my sexuality as of this date. I dated one woman about 2-3 years ago, we never had sex, nor had I even thought about 'undressing her with my eyes' – there was no physical attraction and no building emotions. I felt out of place somehow. I knew then there was a possibility that I was gay. After that, she moved on and obtained a job in a city about 45 minutes away from where I live during the summer (my home town).

I came to college about two years after she left. I have not tried to contact her, although I would sincerely love to go out with her again. She loves to be massaged and relaxed and I would love very much to meet up with her again and do the same things we did before – as friends – go out on a social level and talk, with nothing to come of it. I have more of a physical attraction towards men and a desire to date one.

Why don't I just come-out as everybody expects a gay man to do? Being gay here at Central Michigan University, from what I have heard from others and experienced since I've been here, just isn't acceptable. I want to make a lot of friends while I'm here – both girls and guys. I would want to date a man over a woman. I will tell only those whom I can trust, only by their inquiry. I don't want to be a flamer, like some gay flamers I've seen here at college so far. That just doesn't seem to gain the respect for the man who does it. This is just my opinion about those types of gay people, but they are people too – and they have their own desires and feelings. I won’t speculate further about why some gay men ‘flame’ in public as they do, because I am not the expert, I am not the one who does it to truly know what it feels like.

I want to go out to gay bars and meet different kinds of men to talk with and make friends. I want to find a man to be with, to share feelings – the good or the bad, to go out and do things with, and, most importantly, to share a friendship and have a special love bond.

What's wrong with that? I feel the answer is society. The one place that I have to watch out for is the place in which I live. There are people out there who would rather run a gay person down and stomp on him than accept him as being a part of society. A large part of society, that is. Even one person like that on the face of this earth is too many people. It is a question of who will hurt you and who will help you, who you can or cannot trust. There are many beliefs and myths about gay men and women, but the only one that I will believe is that I am completely gay. I don’t care if it’s hereditary or caused by social influences. I was meant to be gay, I am happy with myself, and I know what I want in life.

It is hard to live two lives as I believe I am doing with my life right now. The one thing I worry about is somebody finding out about my feelings, a kind of person who would enjoy seeing me hurt when news spread around. So, for now, I will live a separate life in society, and the second life in front of my computer talking to other gay men or going to the campus' gay support group to make friends who share that one common quality – being gay/bi/lesbian. One day, I will get away from this keyboard and have a real life gay experience, of which I will probably never forget. I may have to start learning about life all over again, at least from the perspective of my true self and feelings.

Learning from success and failure is a difficult process, but it is something that occurs naturally. I will have to learn to accept myself the way I am. If I ever have to explain my real self to those I love (ex: my parents, sister, entire family) they may accept me as well. I am hoping they will support me, stand behind my real life, and they will not be ashamed that a member of their family is gay – slightly ‘different’ than the rest.

I am almost positive that my mother, whom I've loved for a very long time, will love me just the same. She will continue to support me and the decisions I will make in the future. I have nothing to be scared about when I explain myself to them. I cannot and will not regret being who I really am. I know that they might not look at me exactly the same way they always have, but that they will love me forever. I just don't want to go through life carrying such a secret. I do not want my mother to die before she knows what her son is really like on the inside. I want her to fully understand me before her life comes to an end – that time of which I hope never comes. I honestly don't want to lose her. It seems as if she is all I have sometimes. She has always been the one I've turned to in my time of need. I like to think that we are the ultimate best friends in the whole world. Nothing can and ever will break us apart. When she dies, I will always remember her, no matter what happens between us.

I have spent 21 years with my mother and stepfather. We have told each other so many things, shared so many experiences with work, school, and friends. Our relationship has been so great – all the sharing and trust. They love me and I love them just the same. I have truly known that I am gay for probably 2-3 years now, and that is one part of my life that I have not shared with them. I have thought it over many days and nights about coming out to them. Sometimes I could not sleep. I could not live with myself if one of them had died, not truly knowing their son. We have shared so many things with each other, and this was my life that I had not been able to share with them. It was destroying me from the inside. I was all ready to come out to them a few months ago, with information in my head about how and when to tell at least one of them, as well as something I found on the internet for them to read. However, events had been coming up left and right – from the death of one our their friends to holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas). I wanted to wait for the right time to tell at least one of my parents.

It was on a Sunday morning in April, my mother and I had just gotten back home from going out to breakfast – she took me out to breakfast at Home Spun, where we love to go to breakfast together whenever I come home from being at college. We were sitting in my car, parked in the driveway at the house. I had to tell her about my sexuality – it was killing me from the inside. "Mom… I have something to tell you. You know when I was younger, I would always ask you about our love – and if anything could happen that would make you stop loving me. You always told me that no matter what I did, you would always love me." Unfortunately, she did not remember those chats. "Well, I am gay." At first she paused, then said "you know, I’ve been wondering about that." Wow. I couldn’t believe it. She then said that she still loved me – obviously having her son turn out to be gay was not even enough to tear apart our good relationship. I was so happy that I cried a little. It made me feel so good to share the biggest part of my life with her. No more big secret to hide. No more hiding my true self from her. Being gay has been the biggest part of my life because it is my life. It’s who I am and I was overjoyed for her to accept it. I had heard of so many gay children telling their parents and become disowned or kicked out – I was afraid it might happen to me. She loved me so much that it didn’t matter. I felt good about myself. I could tell her where I was going, to the gay bars, instead of making something up. It was a good time to tell her, and later it turned out to be an even better time.

It turns out that about one month later, my stepfather asked my mom about me. My timing couldn’t have been any better because there might have been a fight between them for sure if he had asked her before I said anything. I went home for another weekend about a week later to have her tell me that he knows and that he’s okay with it also. It really turned out well. My stepfather and I sat on the back porch that night, talking about things. He told me that he kind of figured it out a few years back, but wasn’t sure and didn’t want to upset my mother by asking her. I am really glad to have parents that I know love me, and have such a good bond. I asked my mom about whether or not I should tell my sister, who has a son and daughter of her own. (my nephew and niece) I know that if I tell my sister, then my nephew and niece would find out from her soon after. That wouldn’t be the best thing, since were only 10 and 9 at the time (nephew being the oldest). They were going through the usual elementary school system – where they hear from all of their peers about gays and lesbians, which is usually not of the best ways to learn about that subject. So I don’t expect to tell my sister very soon. Although we have this bond between us where we ‘know’ if something is different with the other, I am not sure if she may or may not be suspicious.