April 02, 1997

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am sure that you must get asked this question frequently

Have you ever wondered who would kick as in a bare knuckled, eye gouging, hair pulling, testicle crushing, spleen rupturing, kidney annihilating, shoulder separating, bone breaking, skull fracturing, lung collapsing, nosing bleeding, toe sucking, eye brow plucking, no holds barred, drag the bitch from the ring kicking and screaming fight between Rodney King and Michael Jackson?

On the one hand you have Rodney King. A veritable human hackey sack. His threshold for pain seems to be abnormally high. This provides a formidable defence. Combined with his attacking style which consists of an unorthodox four legged stance, his opponents have no choice but to fear him. Rare fottage has surfaced which shows this fighting machine in top physical condition beating off four or five attackers at once! It is clear he manages with ease to fend off and frustrate the would-be-assailants. In a girlish tone he responds to the attack by saying, "Can we all just get along." It is apparent that Rodney King is well versed in the field of trash talk.

On the other hand you have Michael Jackson. A technician when it comes to evasive maneuvers; he has mastered the art of passive aggressive retreat. He too has an uncanny tolerance for pain as proven by his apparent wish to be a roasted marshmallow. These advantageous qualities serve as a virtually impregnable defence. His offensive skills match, if not surpass, those of his defence. The "ball breaker" has got to be the most feared tactic in his vast arsenal. Once the hold has been secured there is no one who can withstand its nut numbing effects. When asked about his opponent this is how he responded, "You ain't bad!...You ain't nothin!...You ain't nothin!"

I would greatly appreciate your opinion as to the outcome of such a bout. In closing, I thank you for your time and I am anxiously awaiting your reply.

NO REPLY

Best Regards,


John Doh
P.O. Box 2959
Hearst, Ontario
P0L 1N0