July, 02, 1997
Dear Sir or Madam,
I recently purchased a package of your 'Hamburger Helper'. While examining the box closer I noticed a four fingered hand. I racked my brain for hours trying to figure out its significance. I have yet to solve this mystery. Would you be so kind as to explain the purpose of this hand on your packaging?
I anxiously await your reply.
Sincerely yours,
John Doh
P.O. Box 2959
Hearst, Ontario
P0L 1N0
Canada
July 10, 1997
Mr. John Doh
P.O. Box 2959
HEARST, ON
P0L 1N0
Dear Mr. Doh:
Thank you for contacting us. We're so pleased to learn of your interest in the helping hand identified with our Helper products.
In this case, it was the artist's decision not to conform to any specific design. A four fingered hand was drawn to be fun, friendly and functional.
We appreciate hearing from you. If we can be of further help, please let us know.
Consumer Service
Attention Siggy Dirnbeck
General Mills Canada Inc.
1330 Martin Grove Road
Etobicoke, Ontario
M9W 4X4
July, 17, 1997
Dear Siggy,
First let me thank you for responding to my letter so quickly. With a name like John Doh I find it difficult on occasion to be taken seriously. You would not believe how hard it is sometimes to be cursed with such an odd name. People still come up to me anf ask why I haven't discarded my vessel and joined the others on the spaceship. It's funny for a while but after a certain point it just gets plain annoying.
Enough about me. Let me get back to the reason I wrote this letter. I am still a bit confused about this four fingered hand. I noticed upon closer examination that this four fingered hand was actually a left handed four fingered hand. Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against left hands. I am left handed. Some of my closest friends are left handed. I am curious though, why the decision was made to make this four fingered hand a left handed four fingered hand instead of a right handed four fingered hand.
Any information you can provide me with concerning this pressing question would be greatly appreciated. I anxiously await your reply.
Sincerely yours,
John Doh
P.O. Box 2959
Hearst, Ontario
P0L 1N0
Canada
July 29, 1997
Mr. John Doh
P.O. Box 2959
HEARST, ON
P0L 1N0
Dear Mr. Doh:
Thank you for your keen interest in our product Hamburger Helper. I am sorry but there seems to be no reasoning behind the selection of a left handed four fingered hand.
Consumer Service
Attention Siggy Dirnbeck
General Mills Canada Inc.
1330 Martin Grove Road
Etobicoke, Ontario
M9W 4X4
July, 31, 1997
Dear Siggy,
I didn't want to be forced to divulge this TOP SECRET information but you leave me no choice! I have been informed by high level military brass, including Pentagon officials, the true origin of the left handed four fingered Hamburger Helper Hand. Confidential sources tell me "Lefty" was an active participant in the Vietnam War. His luck ran out during a twilight recon mission behind enemy lines. Accounts of the mission are sketchy at best. It is said "Lefty" put up an admirable struggle but could not thwart the advances of the countless enemies (He did extremely well considering he was just a hand). He was overpowered and placed in a dank urine soaked cell. He was forced to survive solely on a diet of rice, beans, berries, three types of cheese and various strains of wild grasses. As a final punishment for terminating 1000+ enemy soldiers, his captures severed one of "Lefty's" fingers.
Following his release after the war "Lefty" was placed in a variation of what has come to be known as the modern day witness protection program. He underwent radical Albinozation treatment and risky plastic surgery to alter his unsightly scarring from the war. The final piece of the puzzle fell into place when his handlers convinced him that the best place to avoid attention would be somewhere no one would expect: in plain view of everyone. A few strings were pulled, he was offered the job of the Hamburger Helper Hand and the rest is history.
I am curious if you were aware of the Hamburger Helper Hand's background in the military prior to my tell all letter? I hope these revelations have not shattered your image of him? I look forward to your response regarding this most intriguing disclosure.
NO REPLY
Sincerely yours,
John Doh
P.O. Box 2959
Hearst, Ontario
P0L 1N0
