Like a free flowing river in the Alaskan wilderness it hits you without warning. Swoosh! Plop! Swoosh! Suddenly an urge to travel to India and join your brothers and sisters in a synchronized squat in the shallow water on the river's edge. The camaraderie! The intensity! The self sacrifice! The emotions, which would no doubt run through your body, can only be described as religious in proportion! The mere sight of the once light brown water turning dark brown before your very eyes brings back vivid memories of your early years as regional manager at Mc Donald's as you went through your daily ritual of preparing the secret sauce. Such painful yet powerful memories. They haunt you at all hours of the day and night. Why was I terminated? Fired? Let go? Kicked to the curb? Told to get the fuck off their property and never show my face there again? I would tell you but then I would probably be sued. And I don't want that. That would be wrong. Instead it seems proper to continue with Hooked on Phonics, IT WORKS FOR ME! I wear those funky earphones pretty much twenty four hours a day. Is that all right with you? It had better be! Let you be forewarned that I am an accomplished shiwala stickfighter. In fact I don't mean to brag or anything but I finished 5th in my weight class in the pre-pubescent category for competitors with severe physical disabilities and mild retardation. I am proud to say that I am the forgotten Gracie. My brother Horse actually wears women's underwear and dances like Paula Abdul! It is understandable that my butt itches constantly since diaper rash runs in the family. The pain and anguish which I am forced to endure every day of my life. It isn't fair I tell you! It just isn't fucking fair! I doubt quite seriously that I, an accomplished athlete, suffer alone from this debilitating affliction. I have therefore come up with a medical solution to this common problem. I toiled for weeks to attempt to come up with an original yet recognizable name for my invention. It finally hit me. It was to be called Ass Scratcher-Mixer Too! The idea was simple. To build into one single machine the ability to accomplish two separate but equally important tasks. The finger like protrusions would act as felicitators to quiet itch nerves. Once this has been accomplished and the itch has been brought under control you will no doubt be left with the urge to bake. That's the beauty of this machine! The massaging fingers double as batters allowing you to have your cake and eat it too. The flood of taste you can feel in your cheeks, just too good to gulp. Hey. Jump around. Jump around. Sorry I got side tracked. Sometimes my mind wanders. I guess licking semi-dried paint off walls might have a small part to play in a short attention span? Or is it sniffing concentrated amounts of deodorant at the pharmacy. Who knows? I found a penny on the ground. It was brown. I found a nickel on the ground. It was shiny. I saw a man walking down the sidewalk. I kicked his ass and took his wallet! Jump around. Shut up! Is that burned toast? Strawberries? Suddenly I feel very tense? What about you Eric? Ditto. Jump around.
