Everywhere I've gone during this election campaign, the voters of Cole Harbour have spoken to me with one voice. Deep down, you all love this great community of ours, yet you are uncertain if independence, and the CHSF, are the best guardians of Cole Harbour. You ask "What is your policy on taxation? On gun control? On pay equity? When is my kickback showing up?" I hope this document more than answers all those questions. Well, except the kickback one... those will be coming through in a week or so, I promise.
For too long, the Cole Harbour economy has suffered, its autonomy lost due to the control multinational fast food chains hold over our work force. The Liberals and Tories are both in bed with big business, but we in the CHSF promise a new Cole Harbour economy, one controlled by the workers and taxpayers of Cole Harbour. To that end, we propose the following measures:
- The minimum wage will be increased to $7.00 an hour, unless you work at Walmart. Then it's $10.50
- Treaty Gas will be nationalized, and renamed "Petro Cole Harbour". All other gas stations will be forced to close. Anyone seen wearing an "Irving's" hat will be kicked, hard, in the genitals. The price of gas will be set at 49.9 cents per litre.
- The Atlantic Credit Union will be renamed the Bank of Cole Harbour, and will assume the duties of the central bank. Although we will continue to use the Canadian dollar, we will spruce it up - instead of printing pictures of dead Prime Ministers on it, we'll put pictures of naked chicks on it. This should cause sufficient demand on world currency markets to provide Cole Harbour with a very strong dollar.
-The income tax system will be overhauled. The current provincial tax rate will be cut in half, with the difference to be made up on a new "Rich People Tax". Anyone with a household income exceeding $100 000 dollars per year will be taxed on 97% of their income. In order to prevent the upper-middle class from leaving, anyone making over this amount will be forcibly interned in the new Cole Harbour Forced Labour Camp. (Formerly known as Cole Harbour Place).
The most important key to a truly effective nation is a truly effective foreign policy. The CHSF recognizes the importance of having good relations with our neighbours, while at the same time maintaining our territorial defences. If elected, a CHSF government will:
- Tell the Americans that they fucking well suck, and we don't need their money. We would decline to join NATO, NORAD, the OAS, NAFTA, APEC,
or any other organization dominated by the Americans. We would consider joining the United Nations if we were guaranteed the permanent Security Council seat we deserve.
- Establish good relations with countries that kick ass, such as Sweden, Israel, India, Cuba, and the Czech Republic (just because Vaclav Havel is the man.)
- Convert our CHSF paramilitary forces into the Royal Cole Harbour Armed Forces. We would seek to increase enlistment to 500 within a year. If finances allow. we would also look into purchasing some 70's era Soviet submarines on the cheap.
Our position on holding a referendum around the question of complete separation from Canada is clear. We will hold such a referendum when the conditions exist to win, if such conditions exist during a month with an "r' in it. Otherwise, we will just threaten to hold a referendum to keep the CHSF hardliners pacified. Our ultimate goal, of course, is to secede from the Canadian empire, and to liberate our other traditional homelands, which include Woodside, North Dartmouth, parts of Eastern Passage, and the entirety of Guysborough County.
The CHSF candidates and members are staunch supporters of a strong safety net. The Canadian Empire has, in recent years, slashed at the support programs, like medicare and welfare, that made it a once tolerable place to be oppressed by. A CHSF government would seek immediately to:
- Restore hospital funding to 1990 levels, and secure an agreement with the Canadian government to allow Cole Harbourites full access to the best medical facilities available. Failing that, we'll go to the Dartmouth General.
- Increase Welfare and UI funding by 40% a month, with this to be paid for by the "Rich People Tax".
- Smash Mike Harris in the kneecap with a golf club.
- Convert Auburn Drive High into a military training academy. We feel this can be accomplished with almost negligible disruption to the learning environment. Hell, 60% of the students won't even notice!
We hope this policy book has helped you make the very tough decision that awaits you on June 8th. We didn't include our environmental policy here because, well, our focus groups didn't give a shit about it. So, on June 8th, vote CHSF - the only party that wants to hit Mike Harris in the kneecap with a golf club!
