THE CHSF - FIGHTING FOR YOU!

Now that the Cole Harbour parliamentary elections are officially underway, CHSF candidates have been working tirelessly towards being elected so they can enact their seperatist agenda vision for the people. Here's a look at how our candidates have been doing.

CHSF party leader John DeWolfe has been up against some stiff challenges in the rural riding of Sunset Acres. The Conservatives have nominated Maureen McTeer, wife of federal party leader Joe Clark. DeWolfe has been making accusations of nepotism, which McTeer denies "There is no favouritism at all involved in the way I became the PC candidate for this riding.", she said just before giving Clark a blowjob. Meanwhile, the Liberals, in an effort to tie up DeWolfe from helping other candidates' campaigns, have resurrected McKenzie King through a complicated genetic procedure that was financed by an election slush fund. When asked if the campaign would get "down and dirty", King replied "There will be mudslinging if neccesary, but not neccesarily mudslinging."

Meanwhile, CHSF candidate Nic Carmichael is the runaway leader at the moment in the middle class riding of Forest Hills North. Carmichael warns his supporters, however, about taking victory for granted. "Sure, I have my shit seriously together", he said, "but if my homies don't get out and mark that X, some beeatch Grit will probably win. And we don't want that." Carmichael's main challenger at this point is Reformer Steve Greene, who responded to reporters' requests for an interview by shooting at them and yelling "Get off my property!"

The CHSF faces another tough battle in Colby Southwest, where party insider Chris Windeyer is locked in a battle with Reformer Jason Kenney, who mistakenly thought the riding was "Calgary Southwest". When informed of his mistake, Kenney still decided to run against Windeyer; "Maybe if I can knock this guy off, I'll finally get laid. Damn, I don't wanna be a virgin into my thirties like my parents were!" The CHSF also faces trouble from former Liberal MP Dave Dingwall. When asked how he would combat the political veteran, Windeyer replied "I vow to out pork-barrel the pork-barrel king!". He then misappropriated an ACOA grant and handed out free rum on a street corner.

The outlying riding of Astral Drive could prove to be one of the deciding points in this campaign, and CHSF candidate Daniel Hicks says that's the way he likes it. "Tell 'em to bring it on." He says. Hicks faces a tough challenge from the Green Party candidate, noted environmentalist David Suzuki. "The people of Cole Harbour just love the Nature of Things. It's one of our best demographics for ratings. I should kick Dan Hicks' sorry ass in this riding.", says Suzuki. Hicks replied by displaying his three foot long penis, which we must agree was quite impressive.

Well, there you have it. Current polls show the following voter trends, with a 5% margin of error, 18 times out of 17, give or take a little bit, rounded off to the nearest tenth of a percentage point, seasonally adjusted, converted to metric.

CHSF= Cole Harbour Seperation Front, LIB= Liberal Party, PC= Progressive Conservative Party, REF= Reform Party, NLP= Natural Law Party, O= Others

If you'd like to run for the CHSF, there are still ridings open, and I might even give you a cushy cabinet post with little to no responsibility, like Youth Minister or Deputy Secretary of State for the Environment! Drop a line to the Party.