Sunday, September 18th: Yesterday was something. I called and called and called . . . to no avail. No return. My understanding was that the particular number I was using was in the 'it better be important,' category. But who can say? Maybe there were things that needed some serious doing. After my Thursday evening marathon experience of working in cahoots with my new brothers (and sisters?) in the good old (and quite vibrant) left wing conspiracy, it wouldn't have surprised me. These people are committed unlike any group I've ever witnessed. It drips from their teeth. Quite frankly, it's a little scary. It's become increasingly clear to me that they don't care nearly as much about the double secret probation quality of their endeavor as they say they do. It's there, but it's not. Hillary Clinton says the words "vast right wing . . . . " and we sort of chuckle. But if John and Joan Q. Citizen could just sit and watch for an hour . . . the kind of interfacing I watched/acted-in for six+ hours earlier this week . . . . well, then they'd know . . . the only thing that's crazy about allusions to these 'back rooms' (virtual and otherwise) is that we'd need so desperately to comfort ourselves with enough layers of denial to feel OK with the idea of joking about them at all. You might as well be joking about cancer. No one sees it when it's doing it's worst work. Only when it's in place to hurt you does it rear it's ugly head---Some get lucky and avoid the worst, some don't. The difference is, we all know it was cancer by the end of the journey. Not in this game. Done right, the best you'll ever hope to do is sound just slightly less than crazy when all is said and done. You'll never fair better, which is exactly what the formula demands.

I think history serves it up pretty nicely. We either choose to think we're special (living in an era where no such type of thing could possibly be going on) or we adopt a livable level of cynicism for the rest of the long haul. Well, the latter is pretty much what I'm stuck with. I don't have a choice. At 40, I've built up a bank of favors over the course of 20 years (with the last 8 being the most fruitful) and burned them all in two weeks. I'm proudly 3 grand+ poorer. Along with this, I can look in the mirror and say that I at least own a kernel of the scale-tipping on some Illinois' policy that should be beneficial to the displaced Katrina victims.

Lastly, I've been given a chance to go where I thought I'd never want to go. It may have been only a couple weeks, but that just might be enough in five or six years if I ever want to run for public office. So I'll call a spade a spade right now so that no one can accuse me of trying to hide it on down the road. I briefly worked for an organization that sought, via means that were strictly legal [but most certainly NOT in the spirit of the democratic process], to subvert the electoral interests of the Republican Party.

I feel better. It's here. It's published. I never tried to cover it up. I did what I did out of a fit of rage in the wake of Katrina? That reads about right. Regardless, it doesn't matter now.

I guess I officially still work for this organization, but while driving home from seeing 'Lord of War' (which was excellent, by the way), I turned the phone back on and there was the message on the voice mail. I listened to it and called back (from the Copps parking lot). My concerns were listened to respectfully . . . I hold down a regular, normal, (meaningful) full time job that I dearly value (aka, I have a time structure to my week that you people don't seem to have) . . . I'm a married man who likes to spend time with his wife . . . I have new family committments that require a large amount of my time and energy . . . [And the one that really got me on the shit list] I really like to ride my bike, swim, and run--for hours and hours every week (and for even more hours and hours as we get closer to 9/10/2006)

To write that the response I got was cold wouldn't be accurate. It was actually quite polite, something to the effect of, "Perhaps we can call upon you for input at different points in the future." Flattering indeed . . . if it had been the truth, but I have serious reason to believe that it was what it was, an acknowledgement of what didn't need to be said . . . "You're either in or you're out."

And so, when I went to login this morning and found that my password no longer worked, I just got up and made a cup of coffee, slapped some peanut butter on a piece of bread, and picked up the paper. Page 5, Governor Blagojevich was asked if he was an unnamed person in a pension kickback scandal. Just asked, that's all.

And that's all there needs to be.

I can still teach even though I don't think I'll look at the news in quite the same way as I did two weeks ago. Not that I was totally gullible. Quite the contrary, I thought myself to be operating with a healthy dollup of skepticism. That will largely remain the case for probably 90% of the news I process---but the other 10% will never look the same. And that's my burden. That's what I get for refuting the cliche advice, "Be careful what you ask for . . . " Teaching has always been more theater than soul-affirmation, at least the way I approach it. I think my kids get a good, balanced product. Maybe they didn't as much back in the old days (ahhh, the passion=stupidity of being in one's 20's and early 30's), but they certainly get it now. My most conservative students tend, more often than not, to view me as a balancing voice in an otherwise hyperliberal environment. I'm proud of that because it's really what I am, a moderate. I made the decisions I made in the past two weeks in response to a political construct that had gone so far out of whack with respect to moderation that the only way I saw to fight it was to jump totally to the darkest operating system of the opposite side of the spectrum.

This all goes here . . all of it, in the training log, for a few reasons:

(1) It's public, but it's less public than the message board or a mass email or a press release. The last two options would be pretentious--as if this whole monologue isn't. But it's my 'diary,' as it were (They're kind of pretentious by definition)--and I can put in it whatever I want without the need to respond to anyone who has anything to say about it. I confess only in the form of making nebulous references to even more nebulous 'acts' that can't be proven and, even if they could be proven, were never illegal in the first place. The only thing I've done on paper is be really charitable. Sue me. I wouldn't change a thing because it's all put me where I'm sitting this morning-- with a new sense of who I am . . . . and that I need to accept that this is good enough. I'm already learning to be OK with all of it, nary 12 hours past the epiphany moment in the parking lot of Copps.

(2)Again, it's public. I don't want to live with a big secret. Every day that passes makes me think more and more that I won't ever fill out candidate papers again. I don't like the invasion of self--which is a selfish reason NOT to run, but my primary reason nonetheless. If, somehow-some way-the planets were to align such that I'd actually be crazy enough to dial up the state elections board for some paperwork, then all of the past two weeks stand as they stand, but they'll be nothing new. I can take any reporter's question, look him/her in the eye, and say that none of it has ever been a secret. I did what I did for the reasons I've already given and that will either have to be good enough or not good enough for whatever constituent base I'm trying to convince. (I'm left with the realization that I'd do much better as a Presidential candidate on 'The West Wing,' than as . . say . . a state assembly candidate in the real world . . . . But, again, none of it will likely matter. I haven't had a single day in the past three years where I woke up aspiring to public office MORE than the day before. It's been a long, slow trickle down the ravine's bank . . . into the creek . . . with everyone else . . . non-candidates every last one of us.)

(3)Most importantly, it was the athletic part of my being that really vetoed this entire pursuit. Put another way, if I was able to live on caffeine, slightly warm pizza and two hours of sleep for 3-4 nights a week . . . then I'd be a player with these people already. It sounds cocky, but I found the learning curve to be rather gradual. For a two hour period there on Thursday night (Friday morning) I was into it, pulling my weight. It sounds corny, but I was one of them. This is all in the way of communicating the following: When I'm not pursuing an athletic goal, I'm not complete. I don't go to the self destructive options of the mid-80's, but I do go to a place I don't like, and that place does have self destructive qualities to it. I don't take care of myself in ways that disturb me. I claim no superiority on this count. Needing to be athletic, needing to work toward a physically-based goal . . . it sounds great. In fact, I consider it to be a weakness, one that has cost me opportunities over the years. But all weaknesses have their silver lining, and I'd truly be a fool if I acknowledged lost opportunities but refused to avail myself of these silver linings that come as a consolation prize. And that's my problem, I don't see them as consolation prizes. I see them as grand prizes. The peace of body section of the whole Peace of body, peace of mind thing is my key to survival. It sounds so Goddamned mid-life-crisis-ish, but that's where I'm at---I need to pursue these things (Ironmans? and who knows what else on down the road0 for my survival. I've got three grandparents . . . ages 84, 89, and 92. That's unreal. And the grandparent I've lost lived to 72, breaking every single rule along the way (Most of his friends were shocked that he made it past 55). But I also had an uncle, another uncle, and an aunt . . . and none of them became senior citizens. So that's my lot. I'm running away from my aunts and uncles (who I loved dearly) and toward whatever mojo circulates around my grandparents. I can't 'grow up' and just be a weekend warrior. I can't because, crazy as it reads, I fundamentally believe that that choice will kill me. I don't know what this means for things like writing professionally (columns in mainstream media? books?), but I do know that even writing has to go below this particular priority. We'll see. I fear that my political consulting days may be taking leave of me, regardless of whether I want them to or not. The bridges haven't been burned . . . but their structural integrity leaves a great deal to be desired. That game is all about favors, and as I've indicated, I have no more bonds to cash. The weird thing is this: I feel no sense of tragedy over that reality. What does that tell me?

But if the price for sport is so high, then--at least for the next year--I find only one path to be acceptable: If I want to do another Ironman, then I have to go at it, as always, in the spirit of being on a journey. The lifestyle demands are too high for any other mental approach. Last time, the journey was taken (to coin Everest-ese) 'because it was there.'

This time, it's still there . . . all 140.6 miles of it . . . and it will indeed be a journey. But I need to make all of this parallel universe sacrifice worth the high price.

This time it will be about how fast my then-41-year-old bones can get from point A to point B.

And that's a reality which packs a serious ass punch for the next 358 days.

John D. Jacobson, 'Regular member': MoveOn.org; Past Ironman, Aspiring Ironman.

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Bike miles for the week=37.2

Run miles for the week=0

Swim time for the week=0:54

Total training time for September=15:03

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Saturday, September 17th: Great ride with Wollmer. Rode up to his place and we to the end of the Thiensville U, back down River Rd., up Donges, and in on Port and Santa Monica. You couldn't dial up a better day. I feel much better after nearly 13 hours of sleep. I've done some serious ass thinking. I need to make some phone calls today. Oyyy.

Bike miles for the week=37.2

Run miles for the week=0

Swim time for the week=0:54

Total training time for September=15:03

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Friday, September 16th: Oh dear Lord, this is not going to work. No swim this morning. I'm barely able to write, but I'll just paste part of an email I sent to a friend this morning:
I worked until 4 AM and just got up after 2 hours of sleep. This is not sustainable. I've got to make some changes. I have some things to figure out related to a couple lifestyle decisions I've made (I'm considering going back on them, to be honest). I don't mind telling you that I recently accepted a spot with a privately funded think tank. That's about all I'm really supposed to acknowledge. But, just friend to friend, my dilemma at present is that I don't think there's enough time to prepare for an Ironman, be a full time teacher, and live in this 'new' think tank world. These guys are serious and they expect nothing less from new 'clubmates'. I fear, looking at the man in the mirror, that I'm not serious enough for them. What I mean by that is this: Nothing gets in the way of my teaching (I'm not going to quit my real job for them). And I simply can't live like this if I want to do another Ironman. I can't stress enough to you how much I want to do another Ironman. So I've got some thinking, phone calling, and sleeping to do (But first, I have to go to work and then do a two hour ride tonight).
What a day. I'm so tired I feel high. Going to go home and try to ride.
I'm home. No way. It's 5:30 PM and I'm ready to go to bed.

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Thursday, September 15th: It rained on me. No ride. Also, I was kind of lazy and I'm looking at some good volume days coming up.

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Wednesday, September 14th: AM: Masters swim. Good stuff. Main set of 8 x 100 (on 2 and then 1:50). It's coming along.

Bike miles for the week=0

Run miles for the week=0

Swim time for the week=0:54

Total training time for September=12:42

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Tuesday, September 13th: Wow, a perfect storm of family related responsibilities converged upon my training time. Things have changed. This may occur from time to time. Fortunately, the overall plan has the requisite level of flexibility built in to it. Can you admit it to yourself right now? You want to do this Ironman to see what you can do . . . . even though you're presently a big fatass.

Oh, and 'the man' himself, BB, posted at the message board today. I had put up a little announcement that I was in at IMoo (which filled up in 7 hours). BB responded with this. Classic!

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Sunday, September 11th and Monday, September 12th: Sitting here in line for the '06 signup (now for over an hour with nearly another hour to go), I'm struck by how much I'm looking forward to the next year . . . the journey. Yesterday was brutal. High heat and high winds took a devilish toll. Nearly 20% of the field didn't make it, an IM record. Anyway, the buzz was amazing---better than any drug I imagine they have. There are too many things to do . . places to travel, books to write (?) . . . . money to make (??) . . . but this is the calling that speaks loudest, shouting down the better demons (or angels) for my soul. Signup doors open in 45 minutes.

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Saturday, September 10th: Madison on the eve of IMoo. Wow. It does not disappoint. I can't think of anyplace else I'd rather be than right here. Swam a loop (1.2 miles) on the course. I'm not in such good shape. Did you know that? Anyways, it was fun. They've changed the course a little to angle away from the start line on the first turn, giving everything more of a trapezoidal look. I assume they did it to soften the madness on the first major buoy. We had dinner with Karbo and Mary. He's ready to rock. Didn't see Zak. Talked to Flayter for a bit. Fun to be here. Gotta get up early. Good night (Wireless in the hotel room is the way to go)

Bike miles for the week=40

Run miles for the week=0

Swim time for the week=2:37

Total training time for September=11:48

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Friday, September 9th: Masters swim. Was way sluggish at first, but eventually got my act together. I need to remember the following: Keep the stroke in the front two quadrants--You don't move water with the forward hand until the recovery comes fully into the front quadrants! Gosh! We leave for Mad-City tonight. I'm geeked. Will swim one loop tomorrow.

Bike miles for the week=40

Run miles for the week=0

Swim time for the week=1:53

Total training time for September=11:04

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Thursday, September 8th: Rode SMU. Felt fine. Gotta pack for IMoo weekend!

Bike miles for the week=40

Run miles for the week=0

Swim time for the week=0:56

Total training time for September=10:07

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Wednesday, September 7th: AM--Masters swim. Lots of work on streamlining after the main set. Felt good but already a little out of rhythym being that I haven't been wet since last Friday. I fully intend to swim half the IMoo course on Saturday (wetsuit and all!)

Bike miles for the week=19.9

Run miles for the week=0

Swim time for the week=0:56

Total training time for September=8:51

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Tuesday, September 6th: All accounts after three days of teaching are that I've struck gold with these classes. I think I have five excellent groups of students. Should be fun. Rode up the Santa Monica U and back on the Zurich because the drip from an air conditioner made me think that it was about to rain (It was cloudy . . . in my defense). Felt great. Lots of ZIP.

Bike miles for the week=19.9

Run miles for the week=0

Swim time for the week=0

Total training time for September=7:55

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Labor Day: Monday, September 5th: No training. Just hung out with Mom . . then Dad and Grandma . . then drove home.

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Sunday, September 4th: I rode the Graymont blacktop route from Mom's to Grandma's. Beaufiful day. Had the wind out, but (obviously) not on the way back. 59:46 out, 1:05 back.

Bike miles for the week=105.6

Run miles for the week=0

Swim time for the week=2:50

Total training time for September=6:36

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Saturday, September 3rd: A good ride with Beth to Mequon Rd. up through River Rd. and back. Great day. In the car to go see Grandma and the rest of the fam for a day or so.

Bike miles for the week=70.8

Run miles for the week=0

Swim time for the week=2:50

Total training time for September=4:31

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Friday, September 2nd: 58 minutes of Masters Swim

Bike miles for the week=45.3

Run miles for the week=0

Swim time for the week=2:50

Total training time for September=2.37

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Thursday, September 1st: The month of September calls for 25 total hours of training. Presently for the week, I have 1:52 in the pool and 20.1 miles on the bike. The total training hours restart, though, as I'm now working on a month to month volume basis (which will change to week to week in the winter).Opening day in the classroom! Looks like I have some good groups. Things went smoothly. Rode with Beth (My bike computer died again. Time to get a new battery instead of this reset thing I've been doing). Felt real good, real smooth.

Bike miles for the week=45.3

Run miles for the week=0

Swim time for the week=1.52

Total training time for September=1:39

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