The time in which we live is an ever-changing one. The political and social climates are today quite different from those of just
10 years ago. Technological advances have made science fiction science fact. Now we have personal computers instead of feather
pens, and motorcars instead of horse drawn barrels. What�s more, George Foreman is no longer merely a pugilist, but rather a
culinary wizard, casting his spell over all Americans. Truly our nation has never known such a splendid evolution as this.
Unfortunately, there is not unity in our great leap forward. There is one area that stubbornly refuses to advance, lagging almost
an embarrassing length behind the rest of the country. Until this molasses-footed menace is dealt with, our nation will never reach
its full potential. Of course, I am discussing dirty pirate jokes.
Before I go any further, I want to make one thing clear. Although on-line and software piracy do technically involve many of
the same aspects of the traditional sea-going pirates of yore (however with only pillaging and no rape, there is a vast gap between
the two), they are not going to be the focus here. Computer jokes are their own entity and are best left to people who knowingly
and publicly speak of such things as "https" and "dot-coms" without fear of reprisal, and those who are heavily
endowed with heavy blankets of body odor worn as pungent shrouds. The pirate jokes I am focusing on are those enjoyed be
robust, manly men such as you gentlemen, who enjoy high-seas adventure and keelhauling.
It goes without saying that the pirate joke has fallen by the wayside in recent years. Many believe this is due largely to the
proliferation of the aforementioned computer humor. I think a more telling and chilling factor is the stagnation of the entire genre.
Piracy has been a part of world history for hundreds of years, yet still it has been reported that over 84% of all dirty pirate jokes
involve the word "booty" in the punch-line.* I firmly believe it is time for some serious ingenuity in this realm.
There are so many other pirate phrases that give way to wonderful double entendres. For example, there are terms such as
"hoist the mainsail" and "walk the plank." Even "land ho" and "Jolly Roger" are both ripe with possible sexual euphemisms. One
could go even further in creating jokes based on particular pirates such as why Redbeard's beard is red, why the captain's leg isn't
the only wood on the deck, or perhaps some joke involving the "captain's hook."
I am not suggesting a total abandonment of the "booty" centered pirate joke. To do so would like pillaging a barony and taking
only some of the doubloons! What I am calling for is merely more creative usages of it. There are only so many times a person can
hear the phrase "plunder the booty" before it stops being funny altogether. Perhaps instead, the joke could involve burying the
booty or perhaps even a pirate selling his booty. The possibilities are endless and it is a sorry state on the human species that we
have gone so long without fully exploring all possible "booty" punchlines.
So gentlemen please, I implore you. Do your best to keep this proud and filthy tradition alive. Reinvigorate this fine class of
jokes with new life. Lift it up from the gutter, dust it off, and place it a different gutter. The kind where jokes about the penis size
of the Greeks and quips concerning the libidinous nature of mustachioed Italian women reside in harmony. I, and our nation, thank
you.
Sinc-arrr-ly yours,
Captain Dick Lovencrotch
*Yellowbeard, Captain. �Yarrr, Here Be Statistics" Pirate Statistic Weekly, April 2002.
Copyright John C. Meyers 2002