08.22.03 THE BIKER CHICKS ARE ON THE GRASS
Kathleen finally came back from Denison last weekend. In preparation for the event I spent all Saturday cleaning our apartment. They say that cleaning is actually a good form of physical exercise. This may be true. For me, the real work out is given to my sense of terror as new pathways of horror are carved along my psyche as I clean: "Why did I leave a spoon in my sock drawer?" "Didn't that smoldering pile of garbage used to be over there?" "Oh look, there seems to be some dried pancake batter in this bowl, but wait, we haven't had pancakes since April...DEAR GOD NO!" Following that, I spiral into a byzantine labyrinth of lemon-scented madness.
I thought that an offshoot of my hysteria was the ever low guttural roar I kept hearing, interspersed with odd exclamations about someone's "old lady." Then I discovered that in order to celebrate Harley-Davidson's 100th birthday, there was a biker bash held right in the park outside my apartment! I wasn't crazy after all! So I hitched up my diaper, covered my face in toothpaste and went to take a peek.
It really wasn't that exciting. No crazy orgies (thankfully) and no loud brawls. Well there was one....I really don't know who had the great idea to hold the biker rally on the same day as the Commie Tree-Huggin' Queers Parade.
Speaking of all things gay, a recent poll revealed that most people are for a constitutional amendment to bar gay marriage. Thank goodness. I mean, my wife, 3 ex-wives and my mistress all agree MARRIAGE IS SACRED. It don't need all homo'd up.
Seriously, if it's really that big of a problem, let's just call gay marriage something else...lessee....uh marriage is a union...a, uh..common bond between souls....yeah, that's it..common bond, union...let's just call it COMMUNION! There, problem solved and everyone's happy.
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Imagine being jolted awake by the loud screeching siren of a passing fire truck. Pretty jarring, right? Now, imagine being jolted awake by the sounds of several sirens and opening your eyes to find a large, doughy head a foot away from yours and a finger on your nose. It happened to Kathleen. Apparently, I thought the sirens were my alarm going off and in a sleepy trance I tried to press the snooze button.
08.06.03 mini-update
Best wishes to the Bartlett family dog Jack who will be having surgery tomorrow.
.....and regards to Jack's missing best friend: Jo-Jo the cross-eyed cat.
As for life back here in Portland it is about the same. Work continues unabated by anything except the four days off I have each week.
I'll update with more as soon as something happens to me.
07.23.03 YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN....OK, MAYBE ONCE MORE
The internship is going well and I'm learning a lot. There really is not much else to say about it.
I'm leaving town tomorrow for Omaha on my "Goodbye Couch Assgroove Tour 2003" in which I will be at my childhood home for the final time. I will be playing on this tour until Tuesday, with a special show in Ames on Sunday.
Since I've lost cable I'm forced to sit through commercials. I can no longer flip through the channels during this time, as once you see what's on the other two channels, there's not really anywhere left to go. So I sit and watch these absolutely mind-bendingly bad spots and they've given me a glimpse into the damaged psyche of our world.
Take for example the Arby's Oven Mitt. Granted, the Oven Mitt on television is a mildly irritating spokesthing. But elsewhere he is far more powerful. The sign outside an Arby's near me always advertises the latest deal with the heading "The Oven Mitt Says..." and this phrase is repeated in the print ads and coupons.
Are we that beaten down as a people that we obey articles of clothing? That any object can issue orders and we just go "sure, sounds good?" But this isn't just any article of clothing, it's an oven mitt. So if this thing were actually real, it would have been driven to Shakespearean depths of madness after having its face thrust up against the sides of hot pans again and again. Do you really want to do what this thing recommends or allow it to dictate how much your Roast Beef Sandwich should be this week?
Also on the commercial rant, why are CDs with "bad language" marked with a sticker and not sold to children, when I walk around all day with a jingle about diarrhea stuck in my head. And why deem some TV programs inappropriate when the evening news takes a commercial break and I get to see the expression on cartoon bears faces as they wipe their asses with Charmin?
Is it any wonder we're screwed up as a race?
Other than damning humanity, I really haven't been up to much else. Still watching a lot of Japanese movies. Most are pretty good, but their remake of Star Wars is a little lacking:
07.02.03 UPDATE ON LACK OF UPDATE
First off, updates. New drawerings and links have been added, and the ever-popular bible ad is now more accessible. Also after numerous mysterious phone calls, death threats disguised as back massages, and wedgies I've decided to finally publicly recognize the some of the staff of this webpage. It will be updated after we fire and then hire back some people.
Now, where have I been? Could I have possibly have found something better to do with my time than puttering about this silly bit of internet. No, not yet anyway.
I've mostly been biding my time in my apartment, where for most of june our heat was on. It's like I'm back in my freshman dorm....you people that went to ISU know what I'm talking about.....you people that went to ISU and lived in towers....ok, Andy, you know what I'm talking about.
Another similarity comes from my neighbors whose noise levels seem to increase with the temperature. The U-shape of my building allows the woman in the apartment across from me to blast showtunes into my bedroom at 9am. There is also the aspiring singer a few floors above that likes to do the Christina Aguilera "make every note into 63 notes." And then there is the next door neighbor Chatty Cathy, named such because she frequently talks on the phone at speeds that would make the Micro Machines guy cry. The worst thing about her is that her bedroom is on the other side of the wall of my bedroom so I can frequently hear her and her fella when they are feeling "amorous." Myself, I like to pretend they are scientists that have just discovered something amazing: "Oh?" "Oh." "Oh!"
When I haven't been hating my neighbors I have been watching Malcom X, JFK, Akira Kurosawa's Dreams, A Scene at the Sea, Gods and Monsters, One True Thing, Kikujiro, Kind Hearts and Coronets, Woman in the Dunes, Le Samourai, Love! Valor! Compassion!, The Man Who Wasn't There, The General, Our Hospitality, Sherlock Jr., College, Videodrome, Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask, Best in Show, Altered States, One Wonderful Sunday, Everyone Says I Love You, The Fly, Taboo, The Virgin Suicides, Yojimbo, Husbands and Wives, An Actor's Revenge, The Funeral, Minbo, Fires on the Plain, Ran, Good Morning, The Animatrix, and Onibaba.
I also intermittently eat, sleep, drink.
Of course you could find out about what amazing things I am doing if you sign up for my JOHN'S BREAKING NEWS email service. I will email you with amazing news about my life within moments of its occurance! Soon your email could be treasure trove of john information from "Today I ate a turkey sandwich!" or "I just thought about it, and I think its wierd that speedometers go up to like 130 when it is illegal and there is no justifiable reason for going anywhere close to that fast!" All this could be yours! Act Sometime!
But now I have a reson not to update for an obscene amount of time. That's right. The impossible happened.....I AM EMPLOYED. Yes, a production company here in portland, Picture This, has seen fit to give me an internship there.