06.02.03 CHEWING ON A FEEDBACK LOOP
First order of business: Dustin.....I will get you for that. They don't call me John "That Guy Who Gets Back At Other People For What He Feels Is An Attack On Him But In Reality It Is Just A Joke And He Should Really Loosen Up" Meyers for nothing.
I am pretty positive that searching for a job is turning me into a crazy person (turning is to strong a word, it's probably more of a slight veer). I have begun to treat my resume and cover letter with John Nash-like scrutiny in an attempt to solve the cryptographic puzzle they present. I am absolutely positive that if I can make every word just right and have the layout appear in just the right particular way then I will be hired. So I change "Operated camera" to "Camera Operator," I tie a bow around the descriptions of my less-than-glamourous jobs, and I bold instead of italicize to appear more forceful and self assured.
Then I wait by the phone, pleading with it to ring as if it were prom night all over again. But no one ever calls except friends returning my calls and the automated voice from the public library which tells me that "John Mayers" can come pick up the items he has on hold.
The process seems to be continuing ad ifinitum. As one position slips through my fingers, another one appears because as they say, "God never closes a door without opening a window" (It must be noted that this is only because God is extremely claustrophobic and ever since they started Cat Heaven the whole place smells a bit off).
My last post mentioned my lacking of any super powers. It turns out I could be wrong. Here's why:
I cannot take vitamins. I was given a bottle of vitamins when I was home last and the first time I took one I threw up about 10 minutes later. I was told it was because I just ate and that my body was recieving too much iron and had to expel it. I didn't take one for awhile after that. Recently I tried again, this time no meal was eaten in temporal proximity to it. I almost threw up several times and spent the whole day with a stomach ache. Kathleen told me I needed to eat something when I took it.
Now there are probably a number of explanations about why this occurs. Maybe that particular brand doesn't sit well with me, maybe I am getting too much iron, or maybe there is something else in the vitamin that is causing this internal ruckus. However, I have come to my own conclusion: I am allergic to healthy things. Years and years of drinking soda and eating junk food have made my body completely reject anything that could be good for me. In fact, I am also convinced that if trend continues, I should soon be able to actually repel healthy things that I come in close proximity to in the same way similar magnets do, causing them to fly away from me with alarming speed. I could perhaps use this potential power to stop villainy.
REPORTER: "M'am, you were a hostage at the bank robbery, how did this mysterious yet handsome hero stop the crooks?"
LADY: "He tried to eat a carrot."
05.26.03 CONCIMIENTO DE LA COSA POR SU CAUSA
Of all the super powers I fail to possess, the one of which I have not a single iota of is the ability to resist hype, which is why I saw Matrix Reloaded. Though I don't possess amazing powers, I do have at least one thing in common with the archetypal "super hero" beyond a collection of multicolored tights: arch enemies. I've got scores of them, ranging from mild villains (Jerk Wearing Flip-Flops) to my supreme nemesis: Crazy Middle-Aged Woman Who Lives In My Building.
Unlike most super hero/villian relationships, neither one of us took part in the other's creation (I'm assuming she was crazy when I got here). And also unlike them, we don't really fight and I'm pretty sure she does not realize that she is my nemesis. Is this because most of this is concocted in my paranoid overactive imagination? Yes, but more importantly it is due to her one supreme act of villainy: constantly forgetting who I am. Every conversation I have had with her has involved her asking me at least once if I lived in the building. On our third run in, she physically pushed me out of the door to the building and forced my to prove that my key in fact opens the lock. (after proving this I immediately had to go inside and do some pushups to regain some level of manly integrity). I thought this would drive home my living here...nope.
In truth, it was and is the pushing incident that still keeps her in the nemesis position, though The Apartment Manager is gaining fast using the same nefarious "even though we've talked on multiple occasions, I refuse to remember your name" ploy but also playing the insidious and controversial "I'll just call you 'Big Guy' instead" card.
...I miss cable.
But I should put such selfish thoughts aside, as it Memorial Day, a solemn occasion where we remember those who have fallen in battle during such conflicts as World War II,Vietnam, and the Cola Wars. I lit a candle for those brave souls who never made it home and for Crystal Pepsi.
05.12.03
I'm getting on a soapbox here and I'll try to be brief (partly because someone has converted said soapbox into a soapbox racer and I am hurtling down a very steep hill and finding it difficult to remain standing).
Last post I harped for a bit on the de-regulation of media. I cannot begin to stress how awful this deregulation could be. You know how radio sucks and it's the same everywhere? All media is going to become like radio if this deregulation continues to happen. You know the movie The Insider? Same deal. If there is a negative story about a company or person that the owner of all the media in your area has an interest in, then you probably won't see it. To simplify this into the most basic terms: imagine if every media outlet was Fox News. (This is a genuine concern since Rupert Murdoch, Mr. Tabloid himself, is pushing this legislation)
Go here to read a clearer, less inane summary of the situation. Also, click on the link to send a letter to your representatives and the FCC demanding that this doesn't happen..
This update wasn't anything close to funny..I'll try to think of something better for next time...well maybe not better but something that at least shares a passing glance with funny, even if funny looks away suddenly, covering its eyes and praying I didn't notice it.
05.01.03 A MOMENT OF STATIC
At 7:15 tonight they pulled the plug on a very close friend of mine...cable television. When we moved in, we found that our building had a bulk cable rate thanks to a deal with then cable provider, AT+T. Now, Comcast has replaced AT+T and that means no more bulk deal and if we want the basic extended cable package we had, we would have to pay over twice what we were paying.
It troubles me greatly that in the past year alone cable rates have risen 7% compared to inflation which has risen 1%. This is an industry in need of some serious competition (look what competition did for the price of long distance). Having only one provider means that you are blackmailed into their package deals. Remember when you could buy HBO and Cinemax in a package deal? Not any more, now you have to order the $60 package which gives you octillion HBO's, all of which manage to show Scooby-Doo at the same time, and fistfuls of channels no one wants or needs. And this is of course thanks to media deregulation, a process which could be exacerbated soon with new FCC rulings, but don't expect to hear about it from the media....for some reason.
I've noticed something recently that I think I can use to my advantage. It seems that a lot of people have gotten so complacent that if you tell them the same thing over and over again, they will repeat it and accept it as truth. You know, she's still Jenny from the Block, Saddam has WMD's, Soup is good food. So from this moment on, I am employed. If anyone asks, tell them I am employed. In fact, use any number of adverbs, adjectives, and descriptive phrases to describe just how employed I am. You could say, "He is monstrously employed," "lip-smackingly employed," or even "He's so employed it hurts me." This could result in a couple of things: 1) I actually become employed, or preferably, 2) companies become convinced I am employed by them and start sending me paychecks.
In science news, a strange thing occurred today. I glanced out my window and saw blue in the sky. What's worse, there was absolutely no rain! I was afraid to go out for worry that the lack of moisture in the air would immediately dry me out until I was some sort of withered husk. But curiosity won over with a little help from ingenuity. I melted together a bunch of plastic bags and put them around my person and filled them with water. This "wetsuit" allows me to freely venture out into rainless territory. As I sloshed my way down the street I noticed that hanging in the air was this gigantic bright light. I am not sure where it was coming from and why no one else seemed to be bothered by the fact that our traditional grey cloudy weather has been replaced by this mysterious beacon. There were in fact very few clouds, and those I did see where white as sheets. I think this is because either 1) the heat from this light dried the clouds out leaving these pasty ghosts of these once glorious water makers, or the more plausible explanation 2)the appearance of this bright light has scared the clouds away and those that remain have become both white and frozen with fear. I want to do more research on this "sun" as the so called experts call it. What is it? Why did it come to Portland, the birthplace of rain? I plan to spend all day tomorrow studying it closely by staring endlessly at it.
Until then, and in lieu of cable, I shall spend my time finishing my as-of-yet-untitled album, which includes songs such as the hastily composed rock tune "Diggy Wa Wa Woobajoo," the classic "I'm Going to Eat This Ham (With My Mouth)," and the powerful, heartwrenching ballad "The Preponderance of Convergence Points Between Classic Western Cartesian Dualism and Eastern Philosophies as Evidenced in Late Twentieth Century Popular Culture, Baby"
04.26.03 NEW AND NOT VERY IMPROVED...
Ok, so clearly I'm trying out a new design that is less painful to look at. It may only be temporary depending on how interested I am in continuing to mess with it. There may also be a few bugs. but those may/may not be fixed depending on my decision to keep this site/do least amount of work possible. Other than the new look of this page and slight reorganization, you can still find the same quality you fight hard to enjoy.
On Thursday we had two earthquakes with epicenters 10 miles NW of Portland, rating 3.1 and 3.9 respectively. As a testament to my powerful senses of observation, I didn't notice anything. I was out walking around and upon returning to the apartment, Kathleen asked me if I felt the quake and told me our building was shaking. Me, I still had no idea what was going on and was in fact surprised to find that I lived in Portland, Oregon.
Fun fact: I paid 10 times more on my tax return than the city's power company did!