That I Made Without Any
Grown-up Help At All!
I think I look likeI need some kind of medication!
John R. Woodward
812 Elizabeth Drive
Tallahassee, Florida 32303
Home: (850) 224-0523
Cellular: (850) 443-6630
[email protected]
Yahoo! IM: john_r_woodward
Employment
Brandt Information Services, Inc. 1999 -- 2001
Network Administrator
Duties: Maintained a network with 25 workstations and 12 servers (including four production web servers) with full responsibility for installation, configuration, upgrades, troubleshooting, backups, security and the conversion of an NT domain to a Windows 2000 Active Directory structure.
Gambro Dialysis of Tallahassee and Quincy 1994-1997
Social Worker
Center for Independent Living of North Florida, Inc. 1987-1994
Outreach Counselor
Florida State University Division of Blind Services Office 1984 � 1987
Reader/Tutor
College Park, Maryland Hillel Dining Club, 1979 � 1984
Cook/Assistant Manager
Education
Master of Social Work in Clinical Social Work, Florida State University, 1986
Bachelor of Science in Psychology with minors in Education and Law Enforcement,
University of Maryland, 1982
Computer Related Training
Microsoft Certified System Engineer Program, Keiser College, 1999
MS Certified Database Administrator, Productivity International, 1999
Computer Certifications
Microsoft Certified Professional
Microsoft Certified Professional + Internet
Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer � NT 4.0 and Windows 2000
Microsoft Certified Trainer
Tests Completed: Networking Essentials, Windows 95, Windows NT4.0 Server, Windows NT4.0 Enterprise Computing, Windows NT4.0 Workstation, TCP/IP, Administering Internet Explorer 4.0, Internet Information Server, Proxy Server, Windows 2000 Accelerated Exam
Personal Data
Published freelance writer; single and in good health.
References Available Upon Request
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My sure-fire home remedy for the symptoms of cold and flu: Boil some ginger root and lemon juice together. If you need to wake up, make tea with it. If you need to sleep, drink it as-is. Ginger root keeps well in the freezer; one good piece will see you through the Winter. If you can't get fresh
ginger root, use the crystalized ginger.
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The Correct Way To Make Chili Con Carne -- A Sore Point With Me
Every year I compete in a Chili cook-off an every year I lose miserably. A Texan told me that's because I don't make spaghettie sauce and call it Chili, which is exactly true -- in Florida, people have NO CONCEPT of chili Con Carne.
I'm a Texan on my Mother's side, so I make an authentic Texas Chili with no compromises. To begin with Chili is a spicy beef stew made from real meat, not hamburger. Second, you only put beans in it you are po'. I'm not 'po.
I begin my grinding dried red peppers, New Mexico peppers, ancho peppers and black pepper into a fine dust, along with a BIG bunch of cumin. I mix this with salt and onion poweder. This is my chili powder.
Brown the meat, add beef stock and then simmer for two hours with the spices and as much garlic as your guests can stand. The gravy shold be thick. Use crushed tomatos if you want, but NEVER tomato sauce.
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I wrote this essay for Open Mike night at Borders Bookstore:
A SKINK AND SOME FINCHES
By John R. Woodward
I shared my house with a lizard once. He arrived unannounced and probably took up residence with me quite some time before we ever came face to face, early one morning when I came upon him as I searched through the couch for my car keys. I pulled out the left-side cushion and there he was, peering at me from a wrinkled little reptile face for an instant before he flicked his body around and vanished into the foldout bedframe. That turned out to be our closest encounter; thereafter, I saw just hints of his presence - mostly a green and brown tail tip disappearing so quickly I wasn't always sure I had seen anything real. At times he could almost have been spots before my eyes. He was a skink, one of those drab, monochromatic cousins of the Chameleon family, with their silly-looking, splayed stickypad feet. There are more skinks in a medium-sized Florida city like Tallahassee than there are registered voters in the entire state. A skink normally finds his niche in a rain gutter or under a porch. This little fellow - I'm just guessing his gender, of course, or perhaps projecting a bit - probably lived by my front door and snuck in while I had it propped open. Darwin only knows what he expected to find once he got inside.
I spent most of our summer together thinking of a way to get rid of the misplaced little beast. I wasn't worried about the effect of his habits on my household hygiene. Skinks are insect-eaters, and he lived under my couch, where I am sure there are a few insects from time to time, because I often eat on the couch and I don't always vacuum the crumbs as they fall. Skink probably found enough bugs to keep him healthy. If he missed the company of other animals, there were always dustbunnies around. But skinks require a steady supply of water to keep their skins supple and there were no handy sources of water available to him in the living room, just an occasional beer not-quite-finished. I had guilty visions of a desiccated lizard dying of alcohol poisoning on my coffee table, but more than that I was afraid that thirst would finally get him one day and I would soon learn of his demise through, well, the stink of the skink, if you follow me. Something like that happened at a clinic where I once worked. A squirrel got in, two nurses chased it into the ventilation system, he starved to death and we all breathed fermented squirrel for a week.
I didn�t want to catch Skink. I just wanted to move him back outside. If I had tried to grab him, I would probably have squeezed him too hard (little lizards are fragile) and he would have bit me if he got the chance. In any event, he was too quick and too aware of my movements. After some thought, I tried moving the couch and vacuuming under it, in the expectation that Skink would be disturbed enough to break for open ground, at which point I planned to chase him/her/it out the front door with a broom. This scheme got no results except that the third time I vacuumed with my front door wide open a moth got in and my neighbor complained that noise made her dog restless.
Eventually I realized that I hadn't seen even a wisp of skink for several weeks. Nor had I gotten a whiff of skink. Either the little intruder found his own way out, or Mother Nature somehow found another way to deal with the problem. I looked and looked (acting almost obsessed), but I never found his tiny skink corpse. Since the Summer of the Skink I've had the experience of helping a friend to clean out an abandoned toolshed, and in that toolshed I found several mummified lizard corpses that had dried out almost to the thinness and pliability of paper. I looked at several of them closely and it seemed that the flesh had utterly disappeared from within their skins. Even the bones had somehow lost their sturdiness. I have no scientific explanation for this; how can solid flesh - even tiny examples of it - dry up and vanish? Perhaps some insects simply ate out the innards and found the skins inedible. At any rate, my little skink co-inhabitant seems to have found a way to die with as much reticence as he lived.
Whereas I had a skink in the couch once, my parents have had finches in the plastic for years. This started eight years ago when my mother hung some plastic potted vines over her front-door steps. Within a couple of weeks, the tiniest little birds imaginable moved in, built nests and laid eggs. Every January they come back. The female plastic-vine finches are an ordinary-looking lot: light brown on top with brown-speckled breasts. They surely didn't choose plastic foliage for the sake of concealment, because only living vines wilt to match their shade of brown. The males are a bit showier, with breasts that look dipped in raspberry sauce. Mother Nature didn't breed these birds for size. The biggest ever was not quite four inches long, and he was a real freak, a finch giant. The average plastic-vine finch is not-quite two inches long with a slightly longer wingspan. The moth that came uninvited into my house the day I tried to disturb the skink with the vacuum cleaner, and succeeding only in scaring a Labrador retriever, was as big as my parents' finches. As to the finch babies, they are invisible inside the plastic tangles. Even when they are big enough to learn to fly, they are hardly as large as the end of my thumb and every time I see one taking a first flight I can't believe that such a tiny body puts out enough power to hold itself aloft. The only thing big about the finches is their voice. They can cheep up a storm, to use my mother�s phrase, but fortunately they are musical, confine their singing to the daylight hours and quiet down in the presence of people.
Like my skink, the finches seem to flourish in human-dominated space, largely by ignoring us until we get up close. The finches aren't so shy as the skink, however. They won't run away from their nests just because we're coming and going on the front porch. They conceal their bodies behind the hard plastic leaves and stick their heads out to watch us. Their location offers some notable safety advantages, which surely offset any occasional inconveniences. Squirrels can't get at their nests, and other suburban mammals - like domesticated cats and cruel ten-year-old boys - don't hang around on a stranger's doorstep. Predatory birds don't have room to maneuver under the overhang.
According to the experts, little finches have an average lifespan of four years or so, which means we are well into our second generation, and perhaps our third. So far, they have taken in stride one complete replacement of all the plastic plants. It didn't seem to matter to them. I'd love to know if the finches are aware at any level that they are living in artificial greenery. Many animals, particularly birds, can't even adapt to changes in real foliage. The red-cockaded woodpecker, another Florida native, annoys us no end because he will live only in old-growth forests, and so many people want to cut them down. It would be so much better for him if he could raise his young in scrub pine, especially the rows of neatly-spaced pines left behind when a cut forest is replanted. Instead, the red-cockaded woodpecker obstinately dies, which has not stopped us from cutting down his forests, alas. Meanwhile, the little finches couldn't be happier. My skink visitor shared the same talent for getting by. To him, my couch was just a big, funny-smelling rock. Mother Nature had been preparing him to handle big creatures like me for millions of years, and he was better at dealing with me that I was at dealing with him. I like it that we can exist side by side with some animals, each going our own way, without the need for us to turn them into pets, or make special arrangements for their well-being. In an age when we ourselves are the greatest predators, it humbles me to see that even a little lizard can live right under my rump and ingore me.
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Of all the jokes I've made up, this is my favorite:
Did you hear that Santa Claus needed a new reindeer to help pull his sleigh?
Well it's true -- Dasher wouldn't come in under the salary cap.
So Santa puts an ad in the paper that says, "I need a new reindeer to help pull my sleigh. And the first reindeer to answer the ad prances into the room and says right away, "Oh, Santa, what an honor it is just to be here to meet you! You've been my idol and my role model since I was a tiny little faun! I think what you do for the children of the world is so WONDERFUL, and to think that one day I could help to pull your sleigh -- why, this is the happiest moment of my life!"
So Santa says, "That's very nice to hear, son. What's your name?"
And the reindeer says, "Oh, please, Sir, I'm Rupert, the brown-nose reindeer!"
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All About Me:
Favorite Food: Nam sod (Thai)
Second Favorite Food: Jerk Chicken (Jamaica)
Favorite Beer: Kingfisher (India)
Favorite Wine: Clocktower Port (Australia, would you believe it?)
Favorite Hard Stuff: Matusalem Dark Rum (Jamaica)
Favorite Coffee: Southern Pecan
Favorite Tea: Constant Comment (mmmmm!)
Hobbies: Computers, Cooking, Wine, skinnydipping, politics, collecting art, Harry Potter
Favorite Books: Flags in the Dust (William Faulkner), The Stranger Beside Me (Ann Rule) and The Miner's Pale Children (W.S. Merwin.)
Favorite Bands: The Beatles, The Doors, Little Feat
Favorite Song: "Still My Guitar Gently Weeps" (We'll never forget you, George!)
Favorite TV Show: Six Feet Under
Favorite Movies: South Pacific, 2001 and Silence of the Lambs
Favorite Activity: The Florida Outdoors
The Weirdest Thing About Me: I collect Mormon True Crime books. I also collect true crime books about offenders named "John Wayne."
If I Could Have Anything: Well, I really want another full-time job. Temping stinks.
My Volunteer Work: At the local battered women's shelter
Projects I Will Probably Never Finish: The Cold and Flu Season Cookbook and Smokin', my cookbok for owner of Brinkman-style water-smokers.
Anything Else: No, I think this will do for now.
www.Sugarquill.net is the greatest of all Harry Potter boards. I do basic lessons on computer and Internet security there, drawing examples from the world of Harry and his friends. Search for the phrase "DADA LESSON" amoung the topic headings on the "Parseltongue" message board.
Everybody who cares about the Internet should visit Steve Gibson's web site and have him test the security of their computers (it's free!): grc.com
I never let the day go by without checking Slate.com and the Dilbert cartoon.
Number 10: Peeves!
Number 9: The Firebolt recall
Number 8: Pretty soon Aunt Petunia is going to spot one of the gnomes.
Number 7: Winky and Dobby BEGGED me to be the godfather; how could I refuse?
Number 6: Sirius made me give him a flea bath.
Number 5: . . . and now Professor Lupin wants one.
Number 4: I'm pretty sure Ron and Hermione are keeping some kind of secret from me.
Number 3: Some woman in an alternative universe watches everything I do and writes it down.
Number 2: They never should have changed the Quiddich rules to restore the Zone Defense.
. . . and Harry Potter's Number One Peeve:
Every time Ricky Martin comes on the radio, my scar starts *KILLING* me!
Hermione Granger's Top Ten Peeves
Number 10: Ron switched my conditioner with that stuff Snape uses.
Number 9: I can't believe it . . . four bottles of butterbeer, and we're playing Spin the Bottle with Malfoy!
Number 8: Fred and George turn Neville into a frog, and guess who has to kiss him?
Number 7: Those darned scab elves
Number 6: If I didn't know better, I'd swear that Professor McGonagall was pregnant.
Number 5: Crookshanks is acting awfully pleased with himself lately.
Number 4: The 1000-galleon limit on my Flourish & Blotts charge card
Number 3: When Harry starts talking Quiddich, I have to do an insomnia charm.
Number 2: I stayed up all night finding the errors in Professor Flitwick's new book, and he wasn't greatful at all!
. . . and Hermione Granger's Number One Peeve:
If Ron doesn't get rid of that Veela poster, I'm going to feed him to one of Hagrid's pets!
Ron Weasley's Top Ten Peeves
Number 10: Hermione's latest Arithmancy project, the one where she had to count all my freckles
Number 9: Fred and George tried to get me to try on some new dress robes . . . like I'd fall for that!
Number 8: The other owls have a nickname for Pig. They call him "Snack."
Number 7: Forget his hair . . .ever get a whiff of Snape's *BREATH*?
Number 6: Dad's new Muggle fixation: Pokemon.
Number 5: Mom's new hobby: feng shui
Number 4: I have this recurring dream: I'm being chased by thousands of Muggle girls. What's up with that?
Number 3: The St. Patrick's Day feast
Number 2: Karaoke night at the Three Broomsticks: the only thing Harry loves more than Quiddich
. . . and Ron Weasley's Number One Peeve:
Whenever Fluer walks in the room, Crookshanks tries to bite me!
The Top Ten Funniest Things That Happened During Our Fifth Year at Hogwarts
Number 10: When Hermione was doing her Arithmancy homework, accidentally divided by zero, and briefly turned herself into an imaginary number.
Number 9: Crabbe's boils and Goyle's crabs
Number 8: The Sadie Hawkins dance, when Moaning Myrtle showed up dragging Malfoy
Number 7: Our little Halloween visit to Ms. Rowling's ex
Number 6: The stunt Fred and George pulled during Sushi Night
Number 5: Rita Skeeter came back and all the Gryffindors followed her around humming Beatle tunes.
Number 4: The night the Slytherins went skinnydipping and Colin got pictures
Number 3: Who would have guessed that Neville's animagus form would be a 12-foot croccodile? Not Snape, that's for sure.
Number 2: When Hagrid got crocked and gave Fudge a wedgie.
. . . and the funniest thing that happened during our fifth year at Hogwarts:
The class trip to Euro Disney!
Dobby and Winky's Top Ten Household Tips
Number 10: When you is running out of dragon's blood to use as a stain remover, use your own!
Number 9: If you is holding socks before your face and saying "Darn socks!" while concentrating very hard, they will!
Number 8: Before morning coffee, all wizards is bad, dark wizards!
Number 7: Busy house elves is not having time for potholders, Sir!
Number 6: When rubbing Masters feet at night, best to use the fingers with fewest scars!
Number 5: Hover charms is best to raise a mattress when you is desiring to fold sheets in hospital corners!
Number 4: Owl pellets should be moistened before you is picking them up, so that are not falling apart and making worse messes!
Number 3: Before serving stew, house elves is *NEVER, EVER* forgetting to remove the bay leaf!
Number 2: Fwoopers is highly offended when Daily Prophets lining cage is not changed daily!
. . . And Dobby and Winky's Number One Household Hint:
For Master's spur-of-the-moment dinner parties, you is making quick and attractive centerpiece by transfiguring pinecones to gold and silver and then arranging candles among ivy; as Muggle Stewart says, this is a good thing!
Lavender Brown's Top Ten Dating Tips
Number 10: Quiddictch players can be dreamy, but they tend to have a wee bit of trouble "getting off the stick."
Number 9: The first witch to mix Love Potion with her lip gloss paid for it. And every witch since.
Number 8: Slytherins are all hands.
Number 7: Some Hufflepuff boys are VERY handsome, and they take direction well.
Number 6: Seriously consider a Prefect. They're very clean and smell *SO* sweet.
Number 5: No matter how cute he is, if a Gryffindor has a choice between keeping his date with you and saving the world, he'll make the wrong decision every time.
Number 4: Dear, all that stuff about kissing frogs was written by MUGGLES, don't you know.
Number 3: Need a chaperone? Nearly Headless Nick understands that the word should mean "lookout."
Number 2: If Ravenclaw boys were as smart as they think they are, they would know enough to stop talking about how smart they are.
. . . And Lavender Brown's Number One Piece of Dating Advice:
Beware the bushy-haired mousy ones who never seem to take their nose out of a book. They're just biding their time . . . sizing things up . . . waiting to strike . . .
Rita Skeeter's Top Ten Articles After Hermione Let Her Out Of The Jar
Number 10: Devastatingly Attractive Blond Daily Prophet Reporter Confesses She's An Animagus: The Inside Story
Number 9: The Ministry of Magic is Doing A Pretty Good Job, All Things Considered
Number 8: Blast-Ended Skrewts: They Kind of Grow On You
Number 7: Tri-Wizard Tournament Ends In A Tie, And That's All We Have To Say About It
Number 6: Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office "Underfunded" Say Prominent Ministry Officials
Number 5: Until Elves Are Free, We Are All In Chains
Number 4: New Discoveries in Arithmancy
Number 3: Diagon Alley Merchants Give Good Service, Value
Number 2: "Hogwarts Moves With The Times": An Interview With Albus Dumbledore
. . . and the Number One Article by Rita Skeeter After Hermione Let Her Out Of The Jar:
How 'The Boy Who Lived' Became 'The Boy Who Lived For Quidditch'
Gilderoy Lockharts Top Ten Peeves
Number 10: . . .
Number 9: Erm ,can I get back to you on this one?
Number 8: Ahhh, it's on the tip of my tongue . . just give me a moment.
Number 7: Dear me, this one seems to have slipped my mind, too!
Number 6: I can't quite recall . . . most embarassing . . .
Number 5: Has anybody seen my wand? I've gone off and left it somewhere.
Number 4: Something about a boy and bird and a hat and sword . . . goodness, that can't be right, can it?
Number 3: And red hair . . . I'm sure about the red hair . . . I think.
Number 2: Defense Against the *what?* It sounds dreadfully dangerous . . .
. . . and Gilderoy Lockhart's Number One Peeve:
I could swear all those pictures of myself are laughing at me!
The Top Ten Personals In Yesterday's Daily Prophet
Number 10: SWWtHu, 55, enjoys watching Quidditch, long walks in the hills, quiet evenings by the fireplce ISO SWz Hu/Gr/Ra, 50 - 80 n/s n/d Social drinker. No kids, games or engorgement charms.
Number 9: SWwzSl, 45, educator n/s n/d Social Drinker working in education, enjoys Quidditch, 1 sm tattoo ISO WtSl, 30 -- 50 pref black hair: Let's explore our Dark Sides together.
Number 8: Desperately Seeking Susan, will be at Three Broomsticks tommorow sunset
Number 7: MWWtGr, 45, red/blue BBW seeks WzAny for discreet afternoon trysts, your place
Number 6: If you are a pleasant Wt with nice feet, I will remove your socks. Wool pref.
Number 5: 2 cute 2 b 4gotten! SWwtHu, 25, blond/blue, seeks Wz 22 - 26 seriously into the Weird Sisters. No scars, tattoos or piercings. U R ready 4 me if U know how 2 Party!!!
Number 4: SWWzGr, 45, touch of grey ISO extremely discreet Wt Gr/Ra/Hu dog lovers pref
Number 3: SWMSq, 55, not ashamed of who or what he is, ISO FSq similar, cat lovers pref
Number 2: GWWzSl, mature w/good build seeks similar Sl. No head games.
. . . and the Number One Personal Ad In Yesterday's Daily Prophet Was:
Earn Up To $5,000 Per Week In The Privacy Of Your HomE: 1-800-555-6875!
Then Top Ten Things On Crookshanks Mind:
Number 10: You know the big black dog? He can turn himself into a human! Poor fellow, he has to do it quite often.
Number 9: Haven't seen that rat guy around in a long time. Nobody seems to miss him.
Number 8: I could go for some ham right about now.
Number 7: I can smell 168 different potion ingredients on the greasy one's robe.
Number 6: The house elves fear me.
Number 5: Fish is good. Fish is really, really good. I hear the lake is full of fish.
Number 4: Whenever Mistress and the red-haired one are in the same room they break out in pheromones. I suppose they'll have kittens one of these days.
Number 3: Mrs. Norris isn't much of a date.
Number 2: There's bacon somewhere nearby!
. . . and the Number One Thing On Crookshank's Mind:
It's time I marked some more territory!
The Top Ten Rejected Harry Potter Merchandising Ideas:
Number 10: The Snape plushie.
Number 9: The Cornelus Fudge action figure
Number 8: My First Butterbeer (TM), for the 6 - 9 y/o market
Number 7: Bobotuber seedlings
Number 6: All the Buffy crossover stuff
Number 5: The Gringotts Home Security System
Number 4: The Dark Mark henna tattoo
Number 3: Unicorn Blood Diet Supplement
Number 2: A tasteful line of maroon sweaters
. . .and the Number One Rejected Harry Potter Merchandising Idea:
Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, with all the disgusting flavors included . . . No, wait
. . . they DID that one!
The Top Ten Scenes that Ms Rowling Made Warner Brothers Cut From Their Original Screenplay for HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE:
Number 10: The scene where Harry saves the beautiful Russian agent by killing two giant sharks with just his penknife
Number 9: The car chase
Number 8: Hermione's gratuitous shower scene
Number 7: "Harry . . . I am your father . . ."
Number 6: The Regis cameo
Number 5: When Hermione has to go down in the dungeon and play head games with the insane professor to collect data for her psychological profile of Voldemort
Number 4: When Ron is trapped in the skyscraper with the terrorists
Number 3: Harry and Ron meet the informer in the seedy strip bar
Number 2: The X10 camera advertisement popup window
. . . and the Number Scene that Ms. Rowling made Warner Brothers cut from their original screenplay for HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE:
The one where Harry and Ron each think Hermione is in love with the other, so they
both volunteer for the suicide mission!
The Top Ten Things Harry, Ron and Hermione Learned
During Their Summer Visit to New York City
Number 10: A bar in Queens is not a good place to brag about "catching the snitch."
Number 9: Manhatten has an all-wizarding community just like Hogsmeade. It's called "the Village."
Number 8: "See here, American house-elves gotta a good t'ing goin' widda Teamsters, an' we don't need no wonky Brit dame tryin'a mess it up! Now get outta here, da three a' youse, before I start breakin' some heads!"
Number 7: The people on Wall Street didn't really want to see a bull in the market.
Number 6: American Muggle airports have a kind of Sneak-O-Scope called a "metal detector" . .
Number 5: . . . and a Phoenix-feather wand sets it off.
Number 4: Black is not the color for robes this year.
Number 3: The United Nations is in serious need of an herbal cleansing.
Number 2: Forget the guidebooks. All the good clubs are 18+ and Unplottable.
. . . and the Nunmber One Thing Harry, Ron and Hermione Learned During Their Summer
Visit To New York City:
You want to see some Dark Magic? Check out the network suits who came up that
"Fear Factor" crap!
The Top Ten Rejected Names for Book Five:
Number 10: Harry Potter, and the Money Keeps Rowling In!
Number 9: When Harry Met Hermione
Number 8: Harry Potter Confidential
Number 7: Harry Potter and the Agonizing Delay in Getting This Book Out
Number 6: Harry Potter and the Riot at Borders
Number 5: Harry Potter and the Million Muggle March
Number 4: Harry Potter and the Amazon Denial of Service
Number 3: Harry Potter and the Order of Linux
Number 2: Harry Potter's Guide to Phoenix, AZ
. . .and the Number One Rejected Name for Book Five:
Harry Potter . . . 'Nuff Said!
The Top Ten Hogwarts Faculty Members Who Haven't Been Mentioned In Canon Yet:
Number 10: Professor J-C. Van Damme -- "Defense Against the Martial Arts"
Number 9: Professor U. Z. Profilakticus --"Reproductive Hygiene" (6th years ONLY)
Number 8: Professor S. Rushdie -- "Middle East Studies"
Number 7: Professor J. Cochrane -- "Advanced confundus"
Number 6: Professor Ur -- "Mythological Archetypes in Ancient and Contemporary Magical Practice"
Number 5: Professor W. Bloch -- "Woodshop"
Number 4: Professor Samedi -- "Seminar in Carribean Magical Theory and Methods"
Number 3: Professor G. Lucas -- "Industrial Light and Magic"
Number 2: Professor A. Andersen -- "Illusion-Based Accounting"
. . .and the Number One Hogwarts Faculty Member Who Hasn't Been Mentioned In Canon Yet:
Professor James "The Amazing" Randi -- "Muggle Studies"!
If you didn't get Number One, James Randi is a special kind of Auror -- he catches phony wizards and faith healers. Click here for more information: www.randi.org/jr/index.html
Top Ten Really Bad Harry Potter Riddles
Number 10: What's the first word an Auror's child learns to say?
Dada.
Number 9: What do you call a sorcerer who wears a white shirt, bow tie, sandals with socks and a pocket protector?
A Dork Wizard.
Number 8: What do Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle do to avoid punishment when they're late for class?
They just slither in quietly.
Number 7: If the caretaker confiscates your best friend's Exploding Frisbee while you are playing with it, what do you tell him?
It got Filched.
Number 6: What do they call the entrance to the Headmaster's office?
The Dumble-door
Number 5: What do Fred and George have in common with the end of a tennis tournament?
They're both match-sets.
Number 4: How many house-elves does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one.
Number 3: Why is Dean Thomas like Professor Trelawney's closet?
They both smell like Lavander.
Number 2: Why did the doctor make young Mr. Crouch give up drinking?
It made him Moody.
. . . and the Number One Really Bad Harry Potter Riddle:
Why did the hippogriff cross the road?
To eat the chicken!
THE TOP TEN WORST HARRY POTTER CROSSOVERS
Number 10: When Buffy tries to slay Professor Lupin
Number 9: The visit from Enron . . . y'know, the Texas Elf who's always borrowing money
Number 8: Professor SinesTRA turns out to be the old Green Lantern villain SinesTRO
Number 7: You can't Apparate into Hogwarts, and you can't transport there, either.
Number 6: The Trio visit the Marvel Universe and the Punisher tries to shoot them, just on general principles
Number 5: Hermione's brief role as Nancy Drew's new best chum
Number 4: The CHARMED witches all try to hit on Charlie Weasley
Number 3: Mulder and Scully investigate Cedric's death
Number 2: Ever notice that when Lord Vader/s mask come's off, he looks a LOT like Lord Voldemort?
. . . and the Number One Worst Harry Potter Crossover:
Fluer on BAYWATCH!
RITA SKEETER'S TOP TEN "COME HITHER" LINES
Number 10: I'm sure you must have the nicest *wand* . . .
Number 9: Didn't I see you at an Order of Merlin meetig . . . First Class, right?
Number 8: I bet YOU don't need any Moste Potent Potions!
Number 7: A witch could start to dream, gazing in your eyes . . .
Number 6: The Leaky Cauldron is crawling with yokels tonight. Let's go somewhere quieter . . .
Number 5: If I don't keep an eye on you, you'll Apparate right into my heart!
Number 4: I bet your Animagus form is a Tiger, right?
Number 3: Oh, I'm so giddy tonight? Did you cast some kind of SPELL on me, you rascal?
Number 2: (touches arm lightly, leans forward and whispers) "Tell me all about your Mark . . ."
and the Rita Skeeter's Number One "Come Hither" Line:
. . . Ignore the little Veela skank across the bar. I could teach that hussey things she'll never even dream of!
MAD-EYE MOODY'S TOP TEN SECRETS
Number 10: Favorite Muggle TV show: LAW AND ORDER
Number 9: The hidden stash of POPULAR MECHANICS he likes to read at night
Number 8: That flask was his retirement gift
Number 7: Too lazy to ever sort his laundry
Number 6: Became an Auror because, let's face it, career opportunities for crazed, paranoic loaners are really limited
Number 5: The four year on-and-off thing with Celestina Warbeck
Number 4: Not a dog person
Number 3: The whole "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" thing comes from an old Nick Fury comic
Number 2: Pigs out on Girl Scout cookies
and Mad-Eye Moody's Number One Secret:
If you think the expoding trash cans were bad, wait'll you see how he rigged the septic tank!
SWWzRa, 41, blond/hazel ISO SWt Gr/Ra/Hu, pref BBW and red/any, kneazle a plus