The CyberWizards Tips for College Survival:

For those of you who are interested, here is my background MIDI.

As of today, My bar tab has reached
$

For many of you out there, this may be your first year in college or university. Congradulations: you finally made it! You have a place to live, pocket protectors in 5 of the coolest colours known to man, a flashy briefcase with an integrated titanium combo lock, and $2.50 in your wallet. All you need now are some helpful hints to make the post-secondary simply wonderful. So, sit back, grab a beer, relax, and read on. What could be easier?

If you arrive at school only to find that there are no parking spaces available, don't panic: a full lot means a day off!


Carry a cell phone with you at all times so you can call your teachers just to say, "I'm on my way! Save me a seat!"


When you finally do reach your class,you are not expected to take any notes, because photocopies of every lesson will be provided mid-semester to help you study for your open book exams.


Show your instructors that you are interested in what they are teaching by shouting out things like, "AMEN! TEACH IT, BABY!" or "YEE-HAW! LEARN ME SOME MORE!"


Be sure to bring games to every class held in a computer lab. After all, you're here to have fun, right? Besides, your instructors love quake as much as you do!


If you - for any legitimate reason (ie, the season premiere of "Nikita" was on) - cannot finish an assignment, fear not. Simply leave your half-finished scribbles on the windshield of your instructor's car, and they will finish it for you.


This is a biggie: Wednesday is laundry day. Bring all your dirty clothes to the campus and hand it to anyone who looks like they might be a staff member. Be sure to mention any soap allergies - we wouldn't want that sensitive skin of yours to chafe!


Whenever passing through the caffeteria, help yourself to all the salt, pepper, and creamers you need to stock the appartment kitchen. Special orders for ketchup, mustard, and vinegar are taken every Thursday at 2pm.


If your appartment is looking a little bare, a good place to get things for a face lift would be the Design and Visual Arts building. Art studentsand instructors want to give you their masterpieces because one day they are going to be famous and above your sofa is where they want it to be. Trust me.


If your car happens to break down, push, tow, or drag it to the front of the Automotive building (open 24 hours for your convenience!). It will be replaced with a brand-new, fully loaded vehicle of your choice!


Make friends at lunch and save money too by asking everybody in the caffeteria, "Excuse me, are you going to finish that?" Or "Hey, pal, you done with that?"


Similarily, if you're in the bar and you find yourself short on cash, tell them to put it on your tab. Thay really love that.


Are you in need of some good books? Well, look no further. "C'Mon! Get Happy! - The ultimate guide to picking up the opposite sex" can be picked up in the campus bookstore, or in the Student Council Office. Charmers include, "I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?"


Finally, here's a little known fact that could bring you that much closer to your diploma: extra credits are always given to those who document their nights out. Especially your weekends. Your instructors and classmates want to know all the juicy details: how inebriated you were, how many sidewalks you "defiled", even who you went to bed with and how long it lasted before you both passed out. No, really. They do!

Well, there you have it. The honest truth. I know you probably can't remember all of these, so if you go to the "File" menu on your browser, and select "Print", I'll understand. Don't worry if you can't retain everything you've just read. As long as you remember your name and the College Motto of Schools Everywhere: "We care so you don't have to!"