I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls at night. I drive a cool car, and dress in black. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the way of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for refugees, write award winning operas, manage time efficiently, and my lasagne has earned me international acclaim.

For fun, I occasionally tread water for three days straight.

I woo women with my God-like piano playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed and cook thirty minute brownies in just twenty minutes. I am a Master Psychic, an Expert Ninja, a Veteran Magician, and an outlaw in Mexico, Peru, and China. Rambo was my understudy. I can make high-grade Plutonium from common household chemicals. I was the first Shao Lihn.

I transcend the physical world and know all the tricks of the trade.

Using only a back hoe and a large glass of common water, I single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Twice. I teach Kentucky bluegrass cello. I was scouted for the New York Mets, offered the role of Stanley Ipkiss in "The Mask", and built the first WORKING "Stargate". And all in one night. I am the subject of numerous documentaries throughout time. When I'm bored, I orchestrate the rise and fall of entire civilizations.

I am immortal. I have the sacred blood of Kings.

I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electronic appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics world-wide swoon over my original line of evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I am caller number nine, and I win the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured all over North America with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration.

I bat one thousand.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me, scientists marvel at me, and governments fear me. I can hurl knives at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read "Paradise Lost", "Moby Dick", and "David Copperfield" in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dinning room set that evening. I know the exact location of every single item in the Supermarket.

I have performed innumerable covert operations with every major intelligence service world wide.

I sleep once a week; when I do, I sleep in a chair. Once, while on vacation in Jerusalem, I single-handedly and successfully destroyed a large group of terrorists who had seized an office tower, and did it without harming a single hostage. The laws of physics do not apply to me. All my bills are paid. I was the lone gunman on the Grassy Noel. I killed Kenny.

On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full contact origami. Oswald was my scape-goat.

Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I make supernaturally extraordinary eight course meals using only a spatula and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I win bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees in Moscow. I have played Hamlet and Othello, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. I transcend the limits of time and space. I am Immortal.

I have no rival, and no man can be my equal, for I am a member of Team CyberWizard.