FVR: Erap, may gift ako sayo galing India. 10-foot snake.
ERAP: Ows! Niloloko mo ako! Hindi ako ganun katanga! Walang feet ang snake!

Isang araw, si Erap nasa likod ni FVR sa pila sa ATM.
ERAP: Hahaha!! Alam ko na PIN number mo!
FVR: Talaga? Ano?!
ERAP: Apat na asterisk.

Bakit nakatitig si Erap sa juice bottle?
Kasi nakasulat concentrate.

CHINA: We'll send a man to space by year 2010.
RUSSIA: We'll send a man to the moon.
USA: We'll send a man to Mars.
ERAP: We'll send a man to the sun.
SCIENTIST: Impossible! It's very HOT!
ERAP: Stupid! We'll send him at night!

During a State Dinner with the Wives in Washington DC.
Bill to Hillary : Please pass the sugar SWEETHEART;
Blair to wife : Please pass the honey HONEYBUNCH;
Erap to Loi : Please pass the Pork PORKYPIG.

ERAP: Mga kababayan di na natin problema ang komunista, di na natin problema ang imperialismo, ang problema na natin ay AKOMISMO!

ERAP: See that man selling peanuts at Quiapo? I helped him before, now his son is at Ateneo.
FVR: Really? What's he taking?
ERAP: No! He also sells peanuts at Ateneo.

Erap at a ballet performance.
He sees the dancers tiptoeing and twirling.
ERAP: Tsk! Tsk! Silly choreographers! Why didn't they just find taller ballerinas?

ERAP: Totoo ba ang narinig ko na babawasan na raw ng 4 letters ang alpabeto?
JINGGOY: Kanino ninyo naman nadinig yan tay?
ERAP: Sinabi sa tv kagabi na aalisin na ang ROTC.

ERAP in New York bumps into a blackman.
BLACKMAN: Hey watch it! You MUDAFUCKA!!!
ERAP: Gago to a, MADAFAKA rin sana!!!

Erap orders pizza.
WAITER: Sir do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 or 8?
ERAP: 4 na lang baka hindi ko maubos pag-8!

Erap paging Jinggoy: 'Jinggoy, you left your beeper in the house'.

Erap to operator: Pwede bang malaman kung ano ang time difference ng Philippines sa U.S.?
OPERATOR: Just a minute, Sir...
ERAP: Oh I see...thanks!

Erap to Taxi: to the airport hurry!
1st sign: airport 50m
2nd sign: airport 10m
3rd sign: airport left
ERAP: You stupid, you�re too slow the airport already left!

Erap was about to return a bottle of coke when he suddenly went back home.
WIFE: Why did you return?
ERAP: I forgot my hat. It says return with cap.

Erap while hailing a taxicab in Makati.
Erap: Magkano papuntang San Juan?
Driver: Ikaw lang bang mag-isa?
Erap: Bakit, di ka ba sasama?

Erap while in a State Visit to Washington DC.
Bill Clinton: You know, we Americans hate you Filipinos going TNT in our country. Sorry if I'm frank.
Erap (Shocked): It's okay, I thought you are Bill.

FVR to Erap: Sorry I'm late. Na-stuck kasi ako sa elevator for 2 hrs.
Erap to FVR: OK lang yon, ako nga na-stuck ako sa escalator for 3 hrs eh!

Pano mo malalaman kapag ginamit ni Erap ang computer? May liquid paper sa monitor.

Returning from Australia...
ERAP: "Ganda ng animals don lalo na yung dangaroo!"
BODYGUARD: "Sir, baka kangaroo?"
ERAP: "Hinde! Sabi ng sign 'Please don't touch, these animals are dangerous!'."