TEACHER: Who can give me an english question?
PUPIL: My teacher is beautiful, isn't she?
TEACHER: Very Good! Translate it in tagalog.
PUPIL: Ang guro ko ay maganda, maganda nga ba?

JUAN: Pedro nasaksak ako! Walang hinto ang tagas ng dugo ko. Please call me a doctor�call me a doctor!
PEDRO: Sige, you�re a doctor! Doctor ka Juan! You�re a doctor! Doctor kaaaaa!

AMO: Yaya! Bakit mo itinapon si baby palabas ng bintana?!!
YAYA: eh kasi sir, sabi ni ma'am "yaya, pag wala nang Pamperssi baby i-Huggies mo nalang.."

Kit: Ano yang nasa papel nay an?
Len: Listahan ng mga takot sa akin!
Kit: Patingin nga! Baka nandito pangalan ko?
Len: Bakit lalaban ka?
Kit: Oo!
Len: E di tanggalin! Problema ba yun?

Father, ako po ay nagkasala. Nagfifinger po ako araw-araw.
PARI: Ilan taon ka na ba iha?
19 na po.
PARI: Susmaryosep, sa edad mong yan dapat kinakantot ka na.

MAN: I will give $1M to anyone here who have had sex with a ghost?
FARMER: ME!!! I have done that!
MAN: Really? You have had sex with a ghost?
FARMER: Oh sorry, I thought you said GOAT.

2 prostitutes after work passes by a stinking estero.
PROSTI 1: Hmph! Ang baho! Amoy titi!!!
PROSTI 2: Ay sorry ha! Dumighay kasi ako eh!

3 daughters to Dad:
Girl 1: I'm going out with Pete to eat.
Girl 2: I'm going out with Vance to dance.
Girl 3: I'm going out with Chuck to...
Dad: Sorry you're staying home!

A Chinese man is being taught what to say while giving tikoy.
Repeat after me: 'Auntie Tikoy masarap!' (inulit ng Chinese)
Bilisan mo: AuntieTikoymasarap!, AuntieTikoymasarap!

A couple was pumping away in bed.
MAN: Spread your legs wider! (urgently after)
MAN: WIDER! WIDER!
GIRL: What the fuck are you trying to do? Get your balls in?
MAN: No, OUT!

A man consulted his doctor, why his dick is yellow.
DOCTOR: "Hmmm...soap and water would do and tell your girlfriend to stop eating cheesecurls!

A man see's a gay man wiping semen off the floor, the man asks him 'What happened? Did you jerk off?' The fag answered 'No, i farted'

A newcomer in hell complaining to satan that the girls there are beautiful pero 'walang butas'. Satan replied: 'Pag may butas yan e di nasa langit ka na!'

A priest lost his male chicken and he asked around..."Anyone got a cock?" All men stood up. "No, I mean anyone seen a cock?" All women stood up. "No! I meant anyone seen MY COCK?" All nun stood up.

After foreplay:
BF: Why do you always play with my dick everytime we have sex?
GF: Well, I kinda miss it!
BF: Why did you always do that to your past boyfriends?
GF: Hell no! It's because I used to have one!

American woman trying to speak Tagalog: Depet megpekebeit keyo, pera you will go to heaven et mekita nyow eng angel ne may meleking pekpek (wings).

ANAK: Mommy, puwede na ba akong mag-bra?
MOM: Hinde pwede!
ANAK: Baket naman? 15 yrs old na ako ah.
MOM: Tumigil ka nga Boyet!

At 9 pm the husband said: "Honey, pwede?"
wife replied: "NO!"
At 10pm, he said: "Honey, pwede na?"
she said "No please!"
At 12am he said: "Honey, pagod na ko, bubunutin ko na!"

At the hotel a man accidentally hits a girl's breast:
MAN: If your heart is as soft as your breast you'll forgive me.
GIRL: If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 469!

ATE: Bea say 'ball'.
BEA: Bolbol!
ATE: Hinde!
BEA: Dede!
ATE: Say 'ate'!
BEA: Tite!
ATE: You're not making me happy!
BEA: Pipi!
ATE: Sus!
BEA: Suso!
ATE: Stop it!
BEA: Etits!
ATE: I'll kick your ass!
BEA: Kiking makatas!

Bading nasa meatshop...
BADING:"Pabili nga ng 1 whole German sausage."
TINDERA:"Chop-chopin ko na?"
BADING:"Wag!!! Anong kala mo sa pwet ko alkansya?!"

BF pinapakita ang birdie niya sa GF.
GF: "Bakit nakayuko?"
BF: "Kasi natutulog. Hawakan mo."
GF: "Bakit nagalit?"
BF: "Kasi ginising mo. Himasin mo."
GF: "Bakit may lumabas?"
BF: "Lumuha kasi masaya!"

BOY: Dad I broke my eye glasses when I kissed my girlfriend!
DAD: How can that happen son?
BOY: Dad, she closed her legs!

BOY: Let's play WAGWAG.
GIRL: What's that?
BOY: You'll take your clothes off and I'll lie on top of you......and you'll say "WAG! WAG!"

BOY: Sigurado ka bang akin yang pagbubuntis mo?
GIRL: Oo naman. Tatlo na tinanong ko di raw kanila. Ikaw na lang natitira kaya siguradong sigurado na ako.

Couple about to be wed in a week.
GIRL: I want you to know that I am very flat-chested.
BOY: It's ok, my dick's like a baby.
On honeymoon...Girl faints to see boy's dick like a baby...8 lbs, 21 inches!

Couple making love and son was awakened by the noise. Son heard dad saying 'I feel like coming' 'Wait' answered the wife 'Coz I feel like coming too' At that moment, son came running ang said 'Wait for me I'm coming with you!'

DAUGHTER: Daddy, what is incest?
DAD: Shut up! Just keep on sucking!

General check-up:
DOKTOR: Lola, kelan ho ba kayo huling nakipagtalik?
LOLA: Mga 1955.
DOKTOR: Matagal na ho pala ano po?
LOLA: Di naman, 20:55 pa lang eh.

GENIE: I will grant you one wish, what will it be?
MAN: I want to be in between Kate Winslet's legs?
GENIE: That's easy. Are you sure?
MAN: Yes.
GENIE: By my power, you are now a napkin!

GIRL: Pano ba?
BOY: Sipsipin mo.
GIRL: Ganito?
BOY: Oo, tapos higupin mo.
GIRL: Ayoko kadiri!
BOY: Arte mo naman! Wag mo tignan.
GIRL: May buhok sa dila ko!
BOY: Siyempre sisiw yan eh!

Husband and wife...
WIFE: If you want to have sex, press my right breast once. If you don't want press my left breast once.
HUSBAND: OK, if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if you don't want pull it 100 times!

Husband reading while wife is sleeping. Then he fingers his wife and went back to reading.
Wife said: "Ay, bitin!"
Husband said: "I don't want to have sex just wanna wet fingers to turn the page!"

Japan, US & Nigeria aboard PAL about to crash.
JAPAN: Put jewels coz rescuer first look for rich.
USA: Put make-up. They look for pretty.
Black takes panty off and said: They look for the "blackbox"!

Lady in a diner sees the cook flattening a burger patty with his armpit.
LADY: "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!"
WAITER: "You should be here in the morning and see how we make the donuts."

Lady in a sexshop.
LADY: Ddo yyoou sselll vviibbrrattorrs?
CLERK: Yup!
LADY: Tthhe bbigg bbllaacckk onesss?
CLERK: Yup. why?
LADY: Hhoww ddo yyoou tturnn iitt oofff?

MAN: If I see you naked, I'd die happy.
WOMAN: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing!

MAN1: I saw my wife in bed with my best friend.
MAN2: What did you do? MAN1: Beat her up!
MAN2: And your bestfriend?
MAN1: Dragged his ass and said 'BAD DOG!'

Man 1: My wife is so dumb she bought a car and she doesn't know how to drive.
Man 2: Oh yeah? My wife is dumber i saw her bag filled with condoms and she doesn't even have a dick!

May dalawang langaw na nakapatong sa taas ng tae.
Sabi ng isa: "Pare sandali uutot lang ako."
Sagot ng pangalawa: "Ang bastos mo naman, di mo ba nakikita kumakain tayo!"

May tatlong baklang nagswi-swimming nang may biglang lumutang na condom.
Bakla: Hoy mga loka, sino sa inyo ang umutot?

MISIS: Tangina mo!
MISTER: Tangina mo rin!
MISIS: Hayop ka!
MISTER: Hayop ka rin!
MISIS: Supot ka!
MISTER: Yun nga lang!

MOM:"Our son is masturbating again. Better talk to him."
DAD:"Son, don't you know you will go blind doing that?"
SON:"Dad, I'm over here!"

MOMMY: O anak, bakit ayaw mo magpaligo kay yaya mo?
BOY: Ayoko nga! Kasi nung pinaliguan niya si Daddy, nakita ko kinakagat niya sa pitotoy!

Nagtatalo si balls at dick.
Balls: Bakit hindi mo ako sinasama pag pumapasok ka sa loob?
Dick: Akala mo ba masarap sa loob? Suka nga ako nang suka eh!

Old man to faith healer: Can you give me an erection?
Faith Healer: I can make the blind see, I can make the lame walk, I can cure cancer, but I can't raise the dead!

On a honeymoon, the girl discovered that her husband has 1 wooden leg. She wrote her mom: "Ma, my husband has only 1 foot" Mom replied: "That's good, your dad has only 5 inches"

One sperm said to another: "How much further till we reach the ovaries?" The other sperm replies: "Relax, still a long way. We just passed the tonsils."

Pantyline Call: Hello, puwetde bra pukibaba ang iyong titipono. Kanina pa kayo dyan nagkukuwentutan!

PEDRO: Ma'am o si Danilo naniniko!
TEACHER: Danilo, hindi mo ba alam na masakit ang maniko!
DANILO: Yehey! wala ng klase! Masakit daw ang mani ni ma'am!

Priest teaching a nun how 2 swim...
NUN: Will I really sink if you take your finger out?

SECRETARY ANSWERING A CALL: Hello, I'm sorry but Mr. Manyak is OUT at the moment...no wait he's IN...no he's OUT...IN...OUT...IN...OUT...INnnn...Ahh! Sir, you wanna answer the call?

SON TO DAD: Why did you name me Conrado Domingo, now my friends call me condom!

SON: Dad! nakipag-sex ako sa teacher ko!
DAD: Talaga? Halika inuman tayo. Let's celebrate your coming to manliness.
SON: Bukas na lang, ang sakit ng pwet ko eh!

SULAT NI MRS. PARA KAY MR.
MRS: Hon RCPI (Rush Come Puke Intay)
MR: Mahal PLDT (Puke Linis Dating Titi)
MRS: PT&T (Puke Tuwang-Tuwa!)

TEACHER: What part of the body goes to heaven first?
STUDENT: Feet!
TEACHER: Why?
STUDENT: Coz when I went into my Mom's room, her feet were in the air and she kept saying, O God, I'm coming!

There are three roosters, a normal, a retarded and a gay.
NORMAL: Cockadoodledoo!
RETARDED: Dudlecokadu!
GAY: Any-cock-will-du!

Two GAYS
Gay1: Fafa, kati ng puwet ko pakamot naman o! (Kinamot ni Gay2)
Gay1: Kamutin mo pa Fafa! (Tuloy ang pagkamot hanggang sa loob)
Gay2: Ano to? Bat may relo???
Gay1: Happy b-day Fafa!!!

Two lovers torrid kissing...
GIRL: "I think I swallowed your gum."
BOY: "Don't worry, it's just my phlegm!"

WHAT IS THE ESSENCE OF A WOMAN?
Venezuela: PORQUE REGLA CON TODO PACASTA MALA IMPORTANTE BIRHEN KA PA.
Puerto Rico: PERFECTA FIGURA MALA IMPORTANTE MALAKE PUKE!

WOMAN TO DOCTOR: Thank you for making me a virgin again for my wedding night. It was perfect, the blood the pain and it only costs P50. How did you do it?
DOCTOR: I tied your pubic hair together.