The Ferret Song (I've got a Ferret up my Nose)

The Ferret Song is one of my personal favorites.  Written by John Cleese and Graham Chapman in their pre-Python days (it was for "At Last, the 1948 Show") it will never cease to make you smile.

There are two versions. Here is the short version:

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose
(He's got a ferret sticking up his nose.)
How it got there I can't tell
But now it's there, it hurts like hell
And what is more it radically affects my sense of smell
(His sense of smell)

I can barely see a bare-bottomed mandril
(Slyly eyesing his other nostril)
I really don't know what to do
But if he jumps in there too
I shall be the proud possessor of a nasal zoo
(A nasal zoo)

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose
(Worst of all it constantly explodes)
"Ferrets don't explode," You say
But it happened nine times yesterday
And I should know for each time I was standing in the way

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose
I've got a ferret sticking up my nose.
How it got there I can't tell
But now it's there, it hurts like hell
And what is more it radically
Affects....My sense of smell!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is the longer version:

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose
(He's got a ferret sticking up his nose.)
How it got there I can't tell
But now it's there, it hurts like hell
And what is more it radically affects my sense of smell
(His sense of smell)

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose
(It starts singing when he wears his formal clothes)
I can almost stand the noise
But at parties it destroys
My hard earned and carefully cultivated social poise.

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose
(Worst of all it constantly explodes)
"Ferrets don't explode," You say
But it happened nine times yesterday
And I should know for each time I was standing in the way

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose
(It pokes its head out every time he blows)
I can stand it for a while
Altough it's absolutely vile
It's not as bad as last week when I had a crocodile

I can barely see a bare-bottomed mandril
(Slyly eyesing his other nostril)
I really don't know what to do
But if he jumps in there too
I shall be the proud possessor of a nasal zoo
(A nasal zoo)

I've got a ferret sticking up my nose
I've got a ferret sticking up my nose.
How it got there I can't tell
But now it's there, it hurts like hell
And what is more it radically
Affects....My sense of smell!!!!!!!!!!!!!