Election Night Special
(Racy music)
Cleese: (talking very fast,
as do all the commentators): Hello, good evening and welcome to Election Night
Special. There's tremendous excitement here at the moment and we should be
getting the first results through any moment now. We're not sure where it will
be from, it might be Leicester or from West Byfleet, the polling's been quite
heavy in both areas. Ah, I'm just getting... I'm just getting... a buzzing
noise in my left ear. Urgh, argh! (removes insect and stamps on it). And now
let's go straight over to Leicester.
Palin: And it's a straight
fight here at Leicester and we're expecting the result any moment now. There
with the Returning Officer is Arthur Smith the sensible candidate and next to
him is Jethro Q. Walrustitty the silly candidate with his agent and his silly
wife.
Idle: (clears throat) Here
is the result for Leicester. Arthur J. Smith...
Cleese: Sensible Party
Idle: ...30,612. (applause)
Jethro Q. Bunn Whackett Buzzard Stubble and Boot Walrustitty...
Cleese: Silly Party
Idle: ...32,108. (applause)
Cleese: Well there's the
first result and the Silly Party has held Leicester. What do you make of that,
Norman?
Palin: Well, this is largely
as I predicted, except that the Silly Party won. Er, I think this is largely
due to the number of votes cast. Gerald.
Chapman: Well there's a big
swing here to the Silly Party, but how big a swing I'm not going to tell you.
Palin: I think one should
point out that in this constituency since the last election a lot of very silly
people have moved into new housing estates with the result that a lot of
sensible voters have moved further down the road the other side of number er,
29.
Cleese: Well I can't add
anything to that. Colin?
Ian Davidson: Can I just say
that this is the first time I've been on television?
Cleese: No I'm sorry, there
isn't time, we're just going straight over to Luton.
Chapman: Well here at Luton
it's a three-cornered contest between, from left to right, Alan Jones (Sensible
Party), Tarquin Fin-tim-lim-bim-lim-bin-bim-bin-bim bus stop F'tang F'tang Ole
Biscuitbarrel (Silly Party), and Kevin Phillips Bong, who is running on the
Slightly Silly ticket. And here's the result.
Woman: Alan Jones...
Cleese: Sensible
Woman: ...9,112. Kevin
Phillips Bong...
Cleese: Slightly Silly
Woman: Nought. Tarquin
Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim bus stop F'tang F'tang Ole Biscuitbarrel...
Cleese: Silly
Woman: 12,441. (applause)
Cleese: Well there you have
it, the first result of the election as the Silly Party take Luton. Norman.
Palin: Well this is a highly
significant result. Luton, normally a very sensible constituency with a high
proportion of people who aren't a bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga.
Cleese: And we've just heard
that James Gilbert has with him the winning Silly candidate at Luton.
Idle: Tarquin, are you
pleased with this result?
Palin: Ho yus, me old beauty,
I should say so. (Silly noises including a goat bleating).
Cleese: And do we have the
swing at Luton?
Chapman: Er... no.
Cleese: (pause) Right, well
I can't add anything to that. Colin?
Ian Davidson: Can I just say
that this is the second time I've been on television?
Cleese: No, I'm sorry there
isn't time, we're just about to get another result.
Palin: And this one is from
Harpenden Southeast. A very interesting constituency this: in addition to the
official Silly candidate there is an unofficial Very Silly candidate, in the
slab of concrete, and he could well split the silly vote here at Harpenden
Southeast.
Jones: Mrs Elsie
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Cleese: Silly
Jones: 26,317 (applause).
Jeanette Walker...
Cleese: Sensible
Jones: 26,318...
Cleese: Very close!
Jones: Malcolm Peter Brian
Telescope Adrian Blackpool Rock Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable Brrroooo Norman
Michael (rings bell) (blows whistle) Edward (sounds car horn) (does train
impersonation) (sounds buzzer) Thomas Moo... (sings) 'We'll keep a welcome in
the...' (fires gun) William (makes silly noise) 'Raindrops keep falling on my'
(weird noise) 'Don't sleep in the subway' (cuckoo cuckoo) Naaoooo... Smith.
Cleese: Very Silly
Jones: ...two.
Cleese: Well there you have
it, a Sensible gain at Harpenden with the Silly vote being split.
Palin: And we've just heard
from Luton that Tony Stratton-Smith has with him there the unsuccessful
Slightly Silly candidate, Kevin Phillips Bong.
Idle: Kevin Phillips Bong.
You polled no votes at all. Not a sausage. Bugger all. Are you at all
disappointed with this performance?
Neil Innes: Not at all. As I
always say:
Climb every mountain
Ford every stream,
Follow every by-way,
Till you find your dream.
(Sings) A dream that will
last
All the love you can give
Every day of your life
For as long as you live.
All together now!
Climb every mountain
Ford every stream...
Cleese: A very brave Kevin
Phillips Bong there. Norman.
Palin: And I've just heard
from Luton that my aunt is ill. Possibly gastro-enteritis, possibly just
catarrh. Gerald.
Cleese: Right. Er, Colin?
Ian Davidson: Can I just say
that I'll never appear on television again?
Cleese: No I'm sorry, there
isn't time, we have to pick up a few results you may have missed. A little pink
pussy-cat has taken Barrow-in-Furness -- that's a gain from the Liberals there.
Rastus Odinga Odinga has taken Wolverhampton Southwest, that's Enoch Powell's
old constituency -- an important gain there for Darkie Power. Arthur Negus has
held Bristols -- that's not a result, that's just a piece of gossip. Sir Alec
Douglas Home has taken Oldham for the Stone Dead party. A small piece of putty
about that big, a cheese mechanic from Dunbar and two frogs -- one called
Kipper the other not -- have all gone 'Ni ni ni ni ni ni!' in Blackpool
Central. And so it's beginning to look like a Silly landslide, and with the
prospect of five more years' Silly government facing us we... Oh I don't want
to do this any more, I'm bored!
Palin: He's right you know,
it is a bloody waste of time.
Chapman: Absolute waste of
time.