Rat catcher / Wainscoting

 

 

(Cut to interior: the Concrete's sitting room. Mrs. Concrete is sitting on the sofa, knitting. Mr. Concrete enters.)

 

Mrs. Concrete: (Michael Palin) Have you been talking to television again, dear?

 

Mr. Concrete: (Terry Jones) Yes, I bloody told 'em.

 

Mrs. Concrete: What about?

 

Mr. Concrete: I dunno.

 

Mrs. Concrete: Was it Reginald Bosanquet?

 

Mr. Concrete: No, no, no.

 

Mrs. Concrete: Did he have his head all bandaged?

 

Mr. Concrete: No, it wasn't like that. They had lots of lights and cameras and tape recorders and all that sort of thing.

 

Mrs. Concrete: Oh, that'll be Ray Baxter and the boys and girls from 'Tomorrow's World'. Oh, I prefer Reginald Bosanquet, there's not so many of them. (the doorbell rings) Oh - that'll be the rat catcher. (she lets the rat catcher in)

 

Rat catcher: (Graham Chapman) Hello – Mr. and Mrs. Concrete?

 

Both: Yes.

 

Rat catcher: Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, how very nice. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Leslie Ames, the Chairman of the Test Selection Committee, and I'm very pleased to be able to tell you that your flat has been chosen as the venue for the third test against the West Indies.

 

Mrs. Concrete: Really?

 

Rat catcher: No, it was just a little joke. Actually, I am the Council Rat catcher.

 

Mrs. Concrete: Oh yes, we've been expecting you.

 

Rat catcher: Oh, I gather you've got a little rodental problem.

 

Mrs. Concrete: Oh, blimey. You'd think he was awake all the night, scrabbling down by the wainscoting.

 

Rat catcher: Um, that's an interesting word, isn't it?

 

Mrs. Concrete: What?

 

Rat catcher: Wainscoting ... Wainscoting ... Wainscoting ... sounds like a little Dorset village, doesn't it? Wainscoting.

 

(Cut to the village of Wains Cotting. A woman rushes out of a house.)

 

Woman: We've been mentioned on telly!

 

(Cut back to Concretes' house.)

 

Rat catcher: Now, where is it worst?

 

Mrs. Concrete: Well, down here. You can usually hear them.

 

(Indicates base of wall, which has a label on it saying 'Wainscoting'.)

 

Rat catcher: Sssssh

 

Voice Over: Baa ... baa ... baa ... baa ... baa ... baa...

 

Rat catcher: No, that's sheep you've got there.

 

Voice Over: Baa ... baa.

 

Rat catcher: No, that's definitely sheep. A bit of a puzzle, really.

 

Mrs. Concrete: Is it?

 

Rat catcher: Yeah, well, I mean it's a) not going to respond to a nice piece of cheese and b) it isn't going to fit into a trap.

 

Mrs. Concrete: Oh - what are you going to do?

 

Rat catcher: Well, we'll have to look for the hole.

 

(We follow them as they look along the wainscoting.)

 

Mrs. Concrete: Oh yeah. There's one here.

 

(She indicates a small black mouse hole.)

 

Rat catcher: No, no, that's mice.

 

(He reaches in and pulls out a line of mice strung out on a piece of elastic. Then he lets go so they shoot in again. The rat catcher moves on. He moves a chair, behind which there is a three-foot-high black hole.)

 

Rat catcher: Ah, this is what we're after.

 

(The baa-ings get louder. At this point six cricketers enter the room.)

 

Cricketer: (John Cleese) Excuse me, is the third test in here?

 

Mr. Concrete: No - that was a joke - a joke!

 

Cricketer: Oh blimey, (exeunt)

 

Rat catcher: Right. Well, I'm going in the wainscoting.

 

(Cut to 'Wains Cotting' woman, who rushes out again.)

 

Woman: They said it again.

 

(Back to the sitting room.)

 

Rat catcher: I'm going to lay down some sheep poison.

 

(He disappears into the hole. We hear:)

 

Voice Over: Baa, baa, baa.

 

(A gunshot. The rat catcher reappears clutching his arm.)

 

Rat catcher: Aagh. Ooh! It's got a gun!

 

Mrs. Concrete: Blimey.

 

Rat catcher: Now, normally a sheep is a placid, timid creature, but you've got a killer.