The Toad Elevating Moment

 

 

 

CAPTION: 'THE TOAD ELEVATING MOMENT'

 

(Pompous music. Mix to spinning globe and then to two men in a studio.)

 

Interviewer: (Terry Jones) Good evening. Well, we have in the studio tonight a man who says things in a very roundabout way. Isn't that so, Mr. Pudifoot?

 

Mr. Pudifoot: (Graham Chapman) Yes.

 

Interviewer: Have you always said things in a very roundabout way?

 

Mr. Pudifoot: Yes.

 

Interviewer: Well, I can't help noticing that, for someone who claims to say things in a very roundabout way, your last two answers have had very little of the discursive quality about them.

 

Mr. Pudifoot: Oh, well, I'm not very talkative today. It's a form of defensive response to intense interrogative stimuli. I used to get it badly when I was a boy ... well, when I say very badly, in fact, do you remember when there was that fashion for, you know, little poodles with small coats...

 

Interviewer: Ah, now you're beginning to talk in a roundabout way.

 

Mr. Pudifoot: Oh, I'm sorry.

 

Interviewer: No, no, no, no. Please do carry on ... because that is in fact why we wanted you on the show.

 

Mr. Pudifoot: I thought it was because you were interested in me as a human being. (Gets up and leaves)

 

Interviewer: Well... lets move on to our guest who not only lives in Essex but also speaks only the ends of words. Mr. Ohn Ith. Mr. Ith, good evening.

 

(Enter from back of set as per Eamonn Andrews show Mr. Ohn Ith. He sits at the desk)

 

Mr. Ith (Eric): ... ood ... ing.

 

Interviewer: Nice to have you on the show.

 

Mr. Ith: ... ice ... o ... e ... ere.

 

Interviewer: Mr. Ith, don't you find it very difficult to make yourself understood?

 

Mr. Ith: Yes, it is extremely difficult.

 

Interviewer: Just a minute, you're a fraud

 

Mr. Ith: Oh no. I can speak the third and fourth sentences perfectly normally.

 

Interviewer: Oh I see. So your next sentence will be only the ends of words again?

 

Mr. Ith: T's... ight.

 

Interviewer: Well, let's move on to our next guest who speaks only the beginnings of words, Mr. J ... Sm... Mr. Sm... good evening.

 

(Enter Mr. Sm.)

 

Mr. Sm (John): G... e...

 

Interviewer: Well, have you two met before?

 

Mr. Sm: N...

 

Mr. Ith: ... o

 

Mr. Sm: N...

 

Mr. Ith: ... o

 

Interviewer: Well, this is really a fascinating occasion because we have in the studio Mr. ... oh ... I ... who speaks only the middles of words. Good evening.

 

(Enter Mr. Oh I.)

 

Mr. I (Michael): .... oo ...... ni...

 

Interviewer: Um, where do you come from?

 

Scot: . .. u... i... a...

 

Interviewer: Dunfermline in Scotland. Well let me introduce you, Mr. Ohn Ith...

 

Mr. Ith: ... ood ... ing.

 

Scot: ... oo ...... ni...

 

Interviewer: J... Sm...

 

Scot: ... oo ...... ni...

 

Mr. Sm: G... Eve...

 

Interviewer: Yes, well, ha, ha, just a moment. Perhaps you would all like to say good evening together.

 

Mr. Sm: G...

 

Scot: . .. oo...

 

Mr. Ith: ... d

 

Mr. Sm: Eve...

 

Scot: ... ni...

 

Mr. Ith: ... ing.