There's Been a Murder/Sgt. Duckie's Song

 

 

(Cut to room, with doctor, mother, and son.)

 

Doctor: That's not a part of the body.

 

Mother: No, it's a link though.

 

Son (Graham): I didn't think it was very good.

 

Doctor: No, it's the end of the series, they must be running out of ideas.

 

(Inspector Muffin the Mule bursts through the door.)

 

Muffin (Michael): All right, don't anybody move, there's been a murder.

 

Mother: A murder?

 

Muffin: No... no ... not a murder... no what's like a murder but begins with B?

 

Son: Birmingham.

 

Muffin: No ... no ... no ... no ... no...

 

Doctor: Burnley?

 

Muffin: Burnley - that's right! Burnley in Lancashire. There's been a Burnley.

 

Son: Burglary.

 

Muffin: Burglary. Yes, good man. Burglary - that's it, of course. There's been a burglary.

 

Doctor: Where?

 

Muffin: In the back, just below the rib.

 

Doctor: No - that's murder.

 

Muffin: Oh... er no... in the band... In the bat... Barclays bat.

 

Son: Barclays Bank?

 

Muffin: Yes. Nasty business - got away with £23,000.

 

Son: Any clues?

 

Muffin: Any what?

 

Son: Any evidence as to who did it?

 

Muffin: (sarcastically) Any clues, eh? Oh, we don't half talk posh, don't we? I suppose you say 'ehnvelope' and 'larngerie' and 'sarndwiches on the settee'! Well this is a murder investigation, young man, and murder is a very serious business.

 

Doctor: I thought you said it was a burglary.

 

Muffin: Burglary is almost as serious a business as murder. Some burglaries are more serious than murder. A burglary in which someone gets stabbled is murder! So don't come these petty distinctions with me. You're as bad as a judge. Right, now! The first thing to do in the event of a breach of the peace of any kind, is to... go... (pause) and ... oh, sorry, sorry, I was miles away.

 

Doctor: Ring the police?

 

Muffin: Ring the police. Yes, that's a good idea. Get them over here fast ... no, on second thoughts, get them over here slowly, so they don't drop anything.

 

Mother: Shall I make us all a cup of tea?

 

Muffin: Make what you like, Boskovitch - it won't help you in court.

 

Mother: I beg your pardon?

 

Muffin: I'm sorry, sorry. That's the trouble with being on two cases at once. I keep thinking I've got Boskovitch cornered and in fact I'm investigating a Burnley.

 

Son: Burglary.

 

Muffin: Burglary! Yes - good man.

 

(Sound of police siren and sound of cars drawing up outside.)

 

Doctor: Who's Boskovitch?

 

Muffin: Hah! Boskovitch is a Russian scientist who is passing information to the Russians.

 

Son: Classified information?

 

Muffin: Oh, there he goes again! 'Classified information'! Oh, sitting on the 'settee' with our 'scones' and our 'classified information'! (The door opens and a plainclothes detective plus ten PCs [the Fred Tomlinson Singers] enter.)

 

(A door opens and a plainclothes detective plus ten PCs, the Fred Tomlinson Singers, enter.)

 

Muffin: Ah! Hello, Duckie.

 

Duckie: (Terry Jones) Hello, sir. How are you?

 

Muffin: I'm fine thanks. How are you?

 

Duckie: Well, sir, I'm a little bit moody today, sir.

 

Muffin: Why's that, Duckie?

 

Duckie: Because...

 

(Rhythm combo starts up and Dective Duckie sings. Superimposed caption on screen: 'SGT DUCKIE'S SONG')

 

Duckie:

I'm a little bit sad and lonely

Now my baby's gone away...

I'm feeling kinda blue

Don't know just what to do

I feel a little sad today.

 

Chorus of PCs:

He's a little bit sad and lonely

Now his baby's gone away

He's feeling kinda blue

He don't know just what to do

He's not feeling so good today.

 

Duckie: (solo)

When I smile

The sun comes flooding in

But when I'm sad

It goes behind the clouds again.

 

Chorus:

He's a little bit sad and lonely

Now his baby's gone away

He's feeling kinda (they stop abruptly and say)

Et cetera, et cetera. (applause)

 

 

Muffin: A lovely song, Duckie.

 

(Eurovision girl comes in.)

 

Girl: (Eric Idle) And that's the final entry. La derniere entree. Das final entry. And now, guten abend. Das scores. The scores. Les scores. Dei scores. Oh! Scores. Ha! Scores! (cut to scoreboard in Chinese) Yes, Monaco is the winner - hall Monaco is the linner- oh yes, man, Monaco's won de big prize, bwana ... and now, here is Chief Inspector Jean-Paul Zatapathique with the winning song once again.

 

(The accompaniment starts as the singers hum the intro. Cut to flashy Eurovision set. Zatapathique steps onto podium.)

 

Voice Over: (Michael Palin, hushed tone) And so, Inspector Zatapathique, the forensic expert from the Monaco Murder Squad sings his song 'Bing Tiddle Tiddle Bong'.

 

 

Zatapathique (Spoken):  Quoi? Quoi? Tout le monde, quoi?   Pourquoi?  Le monde....... le monde!  Bete....... Le monde....... d'habitude....... (music begins).... mais........ je pense......

(Graham's characters starts screaming loudly and incoherently while the choir sings rapidly)

Bing tiddle tiddle bang
Bung tiddle tiddle bang
Bung tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle
Bung tiddle tiddle bong
Bung tiddle tiddle bing
Bung tiddle tiddle bang
Bing (tiddle tiddle)
Bing (tiddle tiddle)
Bong (tiddle tiddle)
Bang bong bing (tiddle tiddle)
Bang (tiddle tiddle)
Bong (tiddle tiddle)

Bing tiddle tiddle bang
Bung tiddle tiddle bang
Bung tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle
Bung tiddle tiddle bong
Bung tiddle tiddle bing
Bung tiddle tiddle bang
Bing (tiddle tiddle)
Bang (tiddle tiddle)
Bong (tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle)
Bang bong bing (tiddle tiddle)
Bong band (tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle)
Bong bang (tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle)

Bing tiddle tiddle biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.

 

(Credits over. Zatapathique finishes and bends over exhausted. An arrow indicates his rear)

 

Voice Over: Number thirty-one. The end.