Mr. and Mrs. Git
(A
cocktail party in Dulwich. Quiet party-type music. Constant chatter.)
Host:
Ah, John. Allow me to introduce my next-door neighbor. John Stokes, this is A
Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. Ah!
Mr.
Git (Terry Jones): Hello, I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face
for a moment just then, but you needn't worry - I'm used to it. That's the
trouble of having a surname like Git.
John:
Oh ... yes, yes.
Mr.
Git: We did think once of having it changed by deed-poll, you know - to Watson
or something like that. But A Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Watson's just as bad
eh?
John:
Yes, yes, I suppose so.
(Mrs.
Git, John Cleese, approaches.)
Mr.
Git: Oh, that's my wife. Darling! Come and meet Mr.... what was it?
John:
Stokes-John Stokes.
Mr.
Git: Oh yes. John Stokes, this is my wife, Dreary Fat Boring Old.
John:
Oh, er, how do you do.
Mrs.
Git: How do you do.
(Mrs.
Stokes appears.)
Mrs.
Stokes: Darling, there you are!
John:
Yes, yes, here I am, yes.
Mr.
Git: Oh, is this your wife?
John:
Yes, yes, yes, this is the wife. Yes. Um darling, these, these are the Gits.
Mrs.
Stokes: (slightly shocked) What?
John:
The Gits.
Mr.
Git: Oh, heaven's sakes we are being formal. Does it have to be surnames?
John:
Oh, no, no. Not at all. No. Um, no, this... this... this is my wife Norah, er,
Norah Jane, Norah Jane Stokes. This is A Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. And
this is his wife Dreary Fat Boring Old Git.
Mr.
Git: I was just telling your husband what an awful bore it is having a surname
like Git.
Mrs.
Stokes: (understanding at last) OH! Oh well, it's not that bad.
Mr.
Git: Oh, you've no idea how the kids get taunted. Why, only last week Dirty
Lying Little Two-Faced came running home from school, sobbing his eyes out, and
our youngest, Ghastly Spotty Horrible Vicious Little is just at the age when
taunts like 'she's a git' really hurt. Yes.
(Mrs.
Git gobs colorfully into her handbag.)
John:
Do ... do you live round here?
Mr.
Git: Yes, we live up the road, number 49 - you can't miss it. We've just had
the outside painted with warm pus.
John:
(with increasing embarrassment) Oh.
Mr.
Git: Yes. It's very nice actually. It goes nicely with the vomit and catarrh
we've got smeared all over the front door.
Mrs.
Stokes: I think we ought to be going. We have two children to collect.
Mr.
Git: Oh, well, bring them round for tea tomorrow.
Mrs.
Stokes: Well...
Mr.
Git: It's Ghastly Spotty Cross-Eyed's birthday and she's having a disemboweling
party for a few friends. The Nauseas will be there, and Doug and Janice Mucus,
and the Rectums from Swanage.
Voice
Over: (and caption) 'And Now a Nice Version of That Same Sketch' (Cut to
exactly the same set-up as before.)
Host:
John! Allow me to introduce our next-door neighbor. John, this is Mr. Watson.
Watson:
Hello. I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face just then but you
needn't worry.
(Cut
to nun.)
Nun:
I preferred the dirty version.
(She
is knocked out by a boxer. Cut to Women's Institute applause film.)