'Take Your Pick'

 

 

(A simple game show style set with Michael Miles grinning type standing at center of it.)

 

Michael Miles: (John Cleese) And could we have the next contender, please? (a pepperpot walks out onto the set towards Michael Miles) Ha ha ha... Good evening, madam, and your name is?

 

Woman: (Terry Jones) Yes, yes...

 

Michael Miles: And what's your name?

 

Woman: I go to church regularly.

 

Michael Miles: Jolly good, I see, and which prize do you have particular eyes on this evening?

 

Woman: I'd like the blow on the head.

 

Michael Miles: The blow on the head.

 

Woman: Just there. (points to the back of her head)

 

Michael Miles: Jolly good. Well your first question for the blow on the head this evening is: What great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to physical states?

 

Woman: I don't know that!

 

Michael Miles: Well, have a guess.

 

Woman: Henri Bergson.

 

Michael Miles: Is the correct answer!

 

Woman: Ooh, that was lucky. I never even heard of him.

 

Michael Miles: Jolly good.

 

Woman: I don't like darkies.

 

Michael Miles: Ha ha ha. Who does? And now your second question for the blow on the head is: What is the main food that penguins eat?

 

Woman: Pork luncheon meat.

 

Michael Miles: No.

 

Woman: Spam?

 

Michael Miles: No, no, no. What do penguins eat? Penguins.

 

Woman: Penguins?

 

Michael Miles: Yes.

 

Woman: I hate penguins.

 

Michael Miles: No, no, no.

 

Woman: They eat themselves.

 

Michael Miles: No, no, what do penguins eat?

 

Woman: Horses! ... Armchairs!

 

Michael Miles: No, no, no. What do penguins eat?

 

Woman: Oh, penguins.

 

Michael Miles: Penguins.

 

Woman: Cannelloni.

 

Michael Miles: No.

 

Woman: Lasagna, moussaka, lobster thermidor, escalopes de veau a l'estragon avec endives gratineed with cheese.

 

Michael Miles: No, no, no, no. I'll give you a clue. (mimes a fish swimming)

 

Woman: Ah! Brian Close.

 

Michael Miles: No. no.

 

Woman: Brian Inglis, Brian Johnson, Bryan Forbes.

 

Michael Miles: No, no!

 

Woman: Nanette Newman.

 

Michael Miles: No. What swims in the sea and gets caught in nets?

 

Woman: Henri Bergson.

 

Michael Miles: No.

 

Woman: Goats. Underwater goats with snorkels and flippers.

 

Michael Miles: No.

 

Woman: A buffalo with an aqualung.

 

Michael Miles: No.

 

Woman: Reginald Maudling.

 

Michael Miles: Yes, that's near enough. I'll give you that. Right, now, Mrs. Scum, you have won your prize, do you still want the blow on the head?

 

Woman: Yes, yes.

 

Michael Miles: I'll offer you a poke in the eye.

 

Woman: No! I want a blow on the head.

 

Michael Miles: A punch in the throat?

 

Woman: No.

 

Michael Miles: All right then, a kick in the kneecap?

 

Woman: No.

 

Michael Miles: Mrs. Scum, I'm offering you a boot in the teeth and a dagger up the strap?

 

Woman: Er...

 

Voices: Blow on the head! Take the blow on the head!

 

Woman: No, no. I'll take the blow on the head.

 

Michael Miles: Very well then, Mrs. Scum, you have won tonight's star prize, the blow on the head.

 

(He strikes her on head with an enormous mallet and she falls unconscious. A sexily dressed hostess in the background, Graham in drag, strikes a small gong. The three bishops rush in and jump on her.)