The Spanish Inquisition Sketch
(Old-time phonograph music is heard and the caption on the screen, seen against industrial stacks, reads:) JARROW, NEW YEAR'S EVE, 1911 (After a brief pause another caption comes up reading:) JARROW, 1912 (Lady Mountback, sits in a stylish drawing room knitting. Loud knocking is heard at the door.) Lady Mountback (Carol Cleaveland): Come in. (In comes Reg, a tall man dressed in working clothes and clutching a cap.) Reg (Graham): Trouble at th' mill. Lady M: Oh no! Reg: One o - Lady M: What sort of trouble? Reg: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle. Lady M: Pardon? Reg: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle. Lady M: I don't understand what you're saying. Reg: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One of the cross beams has gone out of skew on the treadle. Lady M: Well, what on earth does that mean? Reg: *I* don't know! - Mr. Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition! (JARRING CHORD. The door flies open. In come three evil type cardinals in red robes. Cardinal Ximinez of Spain regards them with a nasty grin. He is flanked by Cardinal Biggles, Terry J, and Cardinal Fang, Terry G) Cardinal Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise!...Surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... (Reg and Lady Mountback look bored. They have obviously blown any chance at a dramatic entrance.) *Amongst* our weapons.... Hmf... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surpr.... I'll come in again. (They turn back and escape out into the hall, waiting again for their cue.) Reg: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. (JARRING CHORD - They burst in again) Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! ...Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (Longish pause. He turns to Biggles.) I - I can't say it - you'll have to say it. Biggles: What? Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...' Biggles: (rather horrified) I couldn't do that... (Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again) Reg: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. (JARRING CHORD - The cardinals enter. Biggles is now in front, looking lost.) Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um.... Ximinez: (under breath) Expects... Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um... Ximinez: Inquisition. Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect - Ximinez: Our chief weapons are... Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er... Ximinez: Surprise... Biggles: Surprise and -- Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. (He has jumped back out into front by now.) Phew! Ah! ...Our chief weapon is surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges. (Fang steps forth and produces an ancient-looking scroll. He has a strange voice.) Fang: Yew arr hereby charged that yew did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. (dances) 'My old man said follow the--' Ximinez: That's enough! (To Lady M) Now, how do you plead? Lady M: We're innocent. Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER.') Ximinez: (Gesturing wildly) We'll - soon - change - your mind - about - THAT! (Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING') Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! (He retches a bit and hits himself) Now, Cardinal --the rack! (Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger.) Ximinez: (furious) You....! (He stops himself and resignedly decides to just pretend.) ...Right. T-tie her down. (Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the dish rack. They laugh diabolically. Ximinez moves to the other end of the room and looks extremely depressed. When it is over, the rack has been attached loosely to the front of Lady Mountback's dress.) Ximinez: (trying to seem diabolical) Right! How do you plead? Woman: (defiantly) Innocent. Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack... a turn. (Biggles stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders) Biggles: I.... Ximinez: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake. Biggles: I... Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid! Biggles: Shall I...? Ximinez: No, just PRETEND, for God's sake! (BIggles immediately launches into diabolical laughter) Biggles: Ha! Ha! Ha! (Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the rack.) (In the back of the room, Reg is calmly puffing on his pipe when the doorbell rings. He detaches himself from the scene [not too hard to do] and answers it. Outside there is a dapper BBC man, John, with a suit and a peculiar goatee. Continue with the “Jokes and Novelties Salesman Sketch”)