The Spam Sketch

 

 

(Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned helmets on. A man and his wife are lowered from the ceiling via wires into their seats.)

 

Man (Eric Idle): You sit here, dear.

 

Wife (Graham Chapman): All right.

 

Man (to Waitress): Morning!

 

Rat bag Waitress (Terry Jones): Morning!

 

Man: Well, what've you got?

 

Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;

 

Vikings (starting to chant): Spam spam spam spam...

 

Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...

 

Vikings (singing): Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!

 

Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.

 

Wife: Have you got anything without spam?

 

Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.

 

Wife: I don't want ANY spam!

 

Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?

 

Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!

 

Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?

 

Vikings: Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)

 

Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?

 

Waitress: Urgghh!

 

Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!

 

Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

 

Waitress: Shut up!

 

Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

 

Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.

 

Wife (shrieks): I don't like spam!

 

Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam and spam!

 

Vikings (singing): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

 

Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.

 

Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?

 

Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown out her words by singing the Spam Song)